Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Continuing Battle






For about a week now I have been thinking about a winter wardrobe.  Last spring my daughters gave me the height of shit because I was still wearing "big" clothes -- and still buying "big" clothes.  

I think I have come to terms with going down 6 dress sizes -- weighing less than what I weighed before my first baby.  And I have been sorta looking/thinking about what to buy for the winter....... and making myself look at dresses instead of oversized sweaters and leggings to hide in.

BUT ya know -- when I look in a mirror (it's rare -- but occasionally I actually do look) I most definitely do NOT see what others see.  It fucks with my head ya know?  I have been told that 'the years have been good to me -- that I look hot" (had that one more than once).  I have been told how great I look -- my daughter even called me skinny when she was down .......... I am most definitely NOT skinny!!  thinner yes I will accept that cause there's no denying it anymore ...... but the other adjectives?? not so much acceptance.

Yesterday I was chatting with Hands -- and he said he hoped one day I would be able to see myself through someone else's eyes.  I'm definitely working on it with my therapist -- cause I think until I can actually "see" myself, this battle with food will continue.

For now I will replace my winter wardrobe with the right size dresses -- and maybe one or two oversized sweaters and leggings just cause they are comfy (small smile) 
I will keep working out at the gym - lifting weights - hoping for more body definition and maybe in time I will look in the mirror and see the "real" me.

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Day 6 of the Photo Challenge






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