The Blackness

 (please understand - this is MY take on Sado/masochism!  It is something I try to hide from myself but mostly others.  AND - it is only a small part of me. )


Just recently I have been trying to help people understand the black side of me - the masochist side of me........ 

It is the exact opposite - EXACT OPPOSITE - of what I have with Daddy Dom.  When Daddy Dom comes to visit - there is excitement and joy and light and sparkles and rainbows (ok ok I am being silly)

When I played with a Sadist before - a long time ago - I discovered that I had to work to get into the blackness - into that side of me.  He would write words to me - of what he was going to do.  He would whisper in my ear - when we walked into the play area - all the things he was going to take from me.  

Part of the appeal - for the masochist that is in me in playing with a Sadist - is the fear ........... the tightening of the stomach ........ the fear creeping in - spreading out and filling my body and brain with the blackness.  That part comes first - before the Sadist even arrives - anticipation, fear, nerves - they fill the mind and engulf me totally and completely.

The Sadist thrives - maybe even feeds on - the nerves, the fear, the quivering body bent before them.  They aren't there to please me.  They are there to take every ounce of submission from me.  I submit to the pain to please ......... I even ask for more when I don't think I can take even one more..... to please.  

And when there is nothing left inside of me - and I can't take even one more to please - then - then my legs give out and I slip to the floor a quivering crying puddle of pain. 

And if the Sadist is pleased - then the masochist dances with the fairies and all is well and good and pleasing.

BUT to get there - to that point - there is the mind first - preparing - going to that place that will welcome the Sadist.  Searching out that blackness way in the back - locked behind the light...... pulling it out -  embracing it - and getting there...... sometimes just minutes before the Sadist arrives.  

Because the Sadist wants to see the quivering body that is theirs to hurt.