The other day........ kaya wrote a blog about who / what is a submissive. well that's my reader's digest version.. if you want to read the whole thing click HERE
kaya was asking are you a submissive if you use a safe word to get out of all the things you really don't want to do??? Isn't being a submissive about His wants/needs/desires not yours??
Well i have an opinion.. (are you surprised??!!)
See i think if a submissive has a safe word then there are a whole mess of things in play..
like maybe she doesn't trust her Dom
like maybe she doesn't really want to give over control
like maybe it is really just a big game
like maybe she doesn't have the same relationship as i do...
i got to thinking...... after i had written this blog entry.. and decided i needed to do a little editing...
see i think sometimes i fall into the same trap that others do.. believing that the way Sir and i do things is the "only" way....... shame on me !!! This relationship works for US.. but it probably wouldn't work for many others.
Yes i have a whole mess of rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... i could/would work 12 hour days right now.. to make sure i take the breaks i am supposed to.... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i leave again.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. So each morning i leave my desk at 8:00ish and head home for breakfast and a small break.. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home... and it keeps me from working myself into a frazzle.
Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.
So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" doesn't exist in my world. AND i have to say........ i have tried BDSM part time.. i have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of wiggle room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)
i have - i think - a great example of my submission in a vanilla setting........
Take the 78th Fraser Highlanders. It is something that Sir gets a really big thrill out of.......... and He enjoys having me on His arm (so to speak) at the events.
i, on the other hand, find the whole thing ...... at best amusing....... at worst boring.
But i have never said i won't go to an event when Sir tells me about one, because, well to me that's like using a safe word. The Frasers may not be my cup of tea but it isn't about ME! It's about Sir. Sometimes i have to do a major mental adjustment to get through an evening event.. or play games in my head to make it tolerable. i have been tempted from time to time to speak my mind.. but don't because i worry it will embarrass Sir. Example.. the last formal event we went to, one of the men was asking me all sorts of personal questions about my tattoo... i kept thinking i wonder what his reaction would be if i told him about my piercing!! But didn't because .. i am a reflection of Sir..... simple as that.
Ok......... so i go to the events because it pleases Sir. i behave because i am a reflection of Sir.
BUT now it has been taken one step further.
At the last command meeting .. one of the big wigs put my name forward to be accepted as the newest "milady". UGH !! it is one thing to go to these events with Sir... it is a completely different thing to actually join the 78th Frasers. But that is what becoming a "milady" means.
i accepted gracefully and will be indoctrinated - or whatever it is they do - at the next event in November.
Why did i do this if it goes against my grain?? Because i am Sir's .. (to quote a friend) "always and in all ways".
Let me give you an example of how Sir listens to me... and hears me !! At the last Fraser event.. there was a mandatory church service on the Sunday morning... i explained to Sir that it really went against my personal views/beliefs to be forced to attend a church service. i asked if i might be excused from the service. Sir didn't answer me immediately. But on the Sunday morning i was up and dressed and out with everyone else for the pre-church festivities. i had every intention of attending. But as everyone filed into the church, Sir leaned over to me and suggested that i might prefer to sit in the garden and read until the service was over. Way to go Sir !!
Now the only real bitch i have about this "honour" ......... is the tartan. See the picture above... that is the sash the miladies wear. You can't really see the colours .. so check out Sir's kilt.
The tartan is ORANGE !!! and green.. and blue........
but the main colour is ORANGE !!!
Now my favourite colour is red - how in god's name am i gonna wear the sash over my red??? sigh........... you know you're a submissive when you make real sacrifices for your Sir............ i am gonna have to find some nice lil black top to go with my black skirt and put the pretty red jacket away...............
Does all of this make me more submissive than someone else??
Nope.. it just makes me a different submissive than someone else.. and there is nothing wrong with that at all....