Wednesday, September 20, 2006

performance anxiety

i don't know if this problem is exclusive to me.. or if others feel it........ but i have performance anxiety. (not THAT kind of performance anxiety!!!) When Sir and i first met .. we played publically most of the time.. only occasionally playing here at the house. i loved going to the clubs .. getting up on the equipment and flying off with my fairies...........

Over time the clubs around here have come and gone........ there are a few private ones.. but most of them are the kind that swan's Master, Rahereteric, has come to define as s/m - stand and model. The last time Sir and i went to a club here, most of the equipment was draped with fashion statements rather than users. It was next to impossible for Sir to swing a flogger never mind the whip. i believe we caused more than a few folks to gasp and turn away.. and we weren't even playing that hard!!!

So now we play only at home.. and only occasionally have a hard session. (i am NOT complaining.. just stating facts) This summer at camp.. Sir and i watched some scenes that left us breathless. i knew then i wanted more of THAT... of that type of play.. of that type of exhibitionism (and i am NOT an exhibitionist by nature - more by nurture)

In less than 2 weeks we are supposed to be going up to our Nation's Capital for a private party. Basically it can be an "anything goes - leave your "safe sane and consentual" at the door type of party. (we are going as long as the new grandbaby doesn't decide to come that weekend) and i am suffering from performance anxiety. i know i know i should leave it all in Sir's hands....... BUT i want to play hard .. i want it to be a WOW experience for us and for those watching... and i am worried i will wimp out..... i don't know about anyone else.. but when i don't have practice sessions (for lack of a better term) i worry about wimping out.. about blowing my chance to perform....... thus the title performance anxiety.

And as i write this i think to myself .. it sounds like we are "players" and i don't ever want to be JUST a player - someone who dresses the part and plays occasionally and is glad to return to vanilla life...... i am just missing our hard sessions here at home.. i am anxious to raise that bar.. to move things to the next level..... to squeeze in some hard play between the vanilla responsibilities of our lives...... so that i never have to worry about performance anxiety........


RAheretic's swan said...

I always -- ALWAYS -- go through this "performance anxiety" thing ahead of playing out in public. For me, it is partly because we get to do it so rarely, partly because, like you, I hate the thought that I might wimp out and appear like "just another player," partly my inability to just let it go and let it be. I never have truly wimped out in actual fact, but I still worry and fuss and rehearse it endlessly. We are, some of us, I think, just like this.

I hope, when it comes down to it, that you will get to go, have a glorious time, and feel restored to something very precious and connecting.


SeaRabbit said...

I'm dying to go public... but He isn't ready... I'm sure you will go fine and perfect... Just about your last trip... and you'll see as I do... ;-))
Keep faith in yourself!!

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