Sunday Sentiments

Honestly today I couldn't decide between humour and good advice.......

 "They may forget what you said, but they 

will never forget how you made them feel"

I had to go with this one......... cause sometimes even I forget that feelings are more important than words



But then I couldn't let this one go either............. 

So humour and advice on Sunday Sentiments this week !!!

 

Oriental Zen

Back when we were "visiting" Japan and China at school - I went looking for an oriental grocery store to buy 'real' chinese dumplings for our celebration.....  There was one just down the street from me believe it or not.  I had driven past it for years and never really noticed it.  It is a small lil shop tucked into a large sprawling metropolis - easy to miss (that's my story and I am sticking to it !!)  And I found the BEST dumplings ever - and so easy to make.......... 


Well around Easter... W was telling me about going out for dim sum with an oriental friend.  They had gone to a 'real' oriental restaurant - and W raved about the hot mustard.  (W loves hot food / hot spices / hot everything!!!  which is why he's with me of course - cheeky grin) 

So I ventured back into the oriental grocery shop one day to see if I could find this hot mustard.  I had a wonderful sales clerk help me find the mustard........ and she added a hot chili sauce  - promising me that if W didn't find it hot enough for his tastes - there was one other he could try.  The same day I bought some of those delicious dumplings I had bought for the kiddies and some sweet chili sauce (I do not like hot sauces - even more so since being sick last year)

The dumplings are so easy to make that they became a bit of a diet staple around here - especially on nights when I was too tired to cook.  The sweet chili sauce was like ambrosia - my god it was delicious !!! 

Last night I didn't know what to cook for dinner.  I didn't feel like cooking.  I was feeling just a little battered and bruised from "stuff" ........... so around 7:00 I decided to whip up a batch of dumplings and sweet chili sauce.  While they were cooking I decided to break out the oriental dishes and chop sticks... to pay a little attention to the visual appeal of my meal instead of just wolfing them down and getting the meal over with. 

The picture's a bit dark - black plate on dark table - but hopefully you get the idea...
Eating with chopsticks takes time - and makes me sit back and enjoy the meal a little bit more... makes me breath while I am eating..... creates an almost Zen moment.  I took pride in the placement of the dumplings around the dipping cup..... creating (in my mind's eye) a flower........ 


And I thought to myself when I had finished - no more wolfing down meals just to get them over with........... I must start paying a little more attention to detail....... find my Zen ... relax into it.... refocus from the busy noisy life outside the 4 walls I call home... 


Take time to appreciate...............to be Zen....... at one with the quiet stillness around me.

Tied up

Honestly I haven't deserted you all - honest true !!!  It's just I have been tied up - and sadly not the good kind.............. 


Between work - and meetings for work - and finalizing details to close down the Prek (which will only get worse as June comes) - and trying to find a house on line for W (and eventually me) - and organizing a weekend in our projected new city to actually SEE those houses - and getting that visit to correspond with a BDSM event -  and coping with family drama........ I just haven't had any time or anything left in me to write here...

Looking into my crystal ball - I don't foresee any improvement in my schedule for a longggggggggggg time............ and certainly nothing in the way of interesting play time for about as long.... 

And though there is 'stuff' going on in my BDSM world - truthfully I can't find the words to write about it just yet.

I keep hanging on to the thought as long as W and I have each other - everything is gonna be ok....... better than ok........ I just have to hang on to this bumpy speeding ride until the end........... 

I hope you will all hang on with me... endure the bumps and the speed and the revving engines and land with a soft bump at the end of this journey............

Yearning

For a fleeting moment I have this desire - this yearning ............. for pain in the darkness - for a pain that lifts me high...... and leaves me hanging there...... no disruptions - just the soft round edges of pain.. just the blurry walls dancing slowly around me - just the muted sounds of silence.  No need to focus - no need to reconnect - just the quiet comfort of pain

Endings

The picture above caught my eye because it said "endings......... waiting" (well that's what I saw/read when I first glanced at it) and I thought that pretty much describes my life right now.... I am waiting for the endings............ 

But then I read the faint writing and realized it actually said " Endings are just beginnings waiting to happen"........... and it seemed a whole lot less scary and final.......... which I really needed to change my state of mind........... 

You see.......... my lil PreK out on the Island is going to close this June - after 20 years of being there.......... being a rock for the community ........ being my pride and joy... being the thorn in my side ... and of course being my impetus to learn/master accounting/math.

I have tried everything even resorting to begging........... but there is no small corner to rent anywhere.............. AND......... as I really only wanted to keep it open for one more year... 2 at the very most .......... it is time to let go .. to close it down....... to say goodbye.

Then after many years of talking about it........ W's house is going on the market this week.  He is selling and moving away...... 3 hours away ...... he is worried too about this ending.......... He has always lived (60 years of living) in the same town .......... and he is pulling up roots and moving away.  It really is a daunting proposition for everyone who does it - but more so for him ... after so long............ 

Then I am left working out my last 20 months or so alone.......... marking time till I will put my house on the market and follow him........... leaving my home town of 60+ years - my family - my job - my security and all that I know.  

The hardest thing for me is leaving the security of my job.........knowing every two weeks a pay cheque would arrive - and I would be set for the next two weeks.  I have crunched numbers till my brain hurts...... I have seen a financial adviser ........ I have stressed and cried and pulled my hair out - but the facts are the facts......retirement is going to be tight.............. 

On the plus side - cause ya know - if you look hard enough you will always find some pluses........... 
W and I will be together 24/7.......... in a lovely lil house that we will buy together...... 
We are already finding and setting down roots in the BDSM community in our new city.
I won't have to be crawling out of bed every morning before the sun rises 
I will be able to finally start taking my photography classes
I will be able to clean my house during the daylight hours and do laundry and baking and cooking like civilized folk....... and care for my W the way I have always wanted to...
AND (cheeky grin) I won't have to buy clothes cause W says I will finally be naked all the time ...... (of course the heating bill for the house will be bloody high - I don't "do" cold........ )

And so we are starting the "Ending" and preparing for a brand new "beginning"......