tired.

Have you ever just felt so tired that putting one foot in front of the other seemed like a monumental task?? Have you ever looked at yourself while passing a window and seen your shoulders slumped so low you looked as though you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders??

That has been me for the last couple of days........ i felt this coming on.. i can't really explain why....... yeah i am not sleeping well.. and yeah i have had some emotional crap going on at work.. and yeah it feels as though it has been a very long winter of adjustments and changes (and oh yeah i don't do well with change!!)

Everything seems unfair and monumental and i can't seem to get passed it..... which isn't at all like me........ if i was still a 'young woman' i would say i was pmsing..... but i am not .. i am just plain tired..........

not so vanilla thoughts

All in all it was a good weekend.... despite the vanilla activities...... We went to a train show Saturday morning and i realized that the work i have done on the scenery isn't all that amateurish and the 'experts' fast water looks pretty much like my fast water - which is a white mess in the middle of the creek. i also got to buy a farm to go with my black smith shop - not at all what i had originally planned on doing..... the purchase (by mistake) of a black smith shop kinda changed the flow of the farm area......

Dinner with vanilla friends was ok too...... except i struggle so hard with the rules when surrounded by vanilla folks... example... i am always supposed to carry sweetener in my purse for Sir.. and the last packet had gotten mauled and mashed and i had tossed it out and forgotten to replace it. By the time coffee rolled around on Saturday night i had to hang my head because there was no sweetener in my purse... and it meant going out to the car to fetch the sweetener that is always kept there..... No one understood WHY i had to go....... and i felt like a child who was being scolded .. and i was embarassed .. and didn't really want to return........It is all so much simpler when we are with others from the BDSM community - they would laugh and tease me.. BUT on Saturday night the others looked at Sir like He was a "jerk" (for lack of better words) for allowing me to run and get His sweetener.. i much prefer the rules to be subtle and flow smoothly so no one notices.......

Sunday afternoon Sir strung me up from the chains in the basement.. it started with 20 punishment whacks.. with the plastic snake shaped shoe horn from Ikea.. and i was supposed to say "one Sir thank You Sir i have learned my lesson Sir" before the next strike..and i discovered to my dismay that a "FUCK - insert number - Sir thank You Sir " does not count towards the total and we must start over.. (please note i learned that valuable lesson on stroke 12 !!) i also learned that keeping my voice sing songy and rhythmical and a bit saucy helps get through the counting without too many "fucks"..

And then Sir moved on to the "play time"
i was cheeky and feisty and i did a lot of giggling and laughing.. i like when i am in a devilish mood when we play.. i love dancing away from the strokes and laughing when Sir grabs me by my breasts and or nipples and dares me to dance away..... BUT i still declare the flogger of a thousand bee stings is NOT a warm up toy.. no matter how gentle Sir says He is using it.. and the leather quirt and straps are definitely NOT breast toys.. and oh yeah since when did "we" agree that my breasts were to be played with??!! AND oh my god how it hurt when the quirt kept hitting my nipples dead on.. DEAD ON i say !!! and i listened to the "mood" music playing in the back ground..... and i kept thinking didn't we used to play right through the cd and play into the quiet nothingness at the end?? and i kept wondering why it is that each and every time Sir has me to the point that i am bent over nearly double with my ass up in the air ( a most embarassing position for me!) that the Lords of Acid ...or whatever the group name is... comes on singing "I want to fuck you up the ass".

And it embarasses me .. and amazes me that through all the pain.. i feel myself getting wetter and wetter .. till the whole room smells of my musky scent.. And Sir never forgets to whisper in my ear how drippy wet i am.. and how much i love everything He is doing to me... which - most of the time - just makes me wetter.

And when the song "I want to fuck you up the ass " came on.. i was bent over.. Sir using the wooden sword on my ass and soft spots with one hand and with the other was teasing my clit .. tugging on my jewelry .. making me back up into the spanks .. making my mind whirl and not focus anymore.. my need growing.. feeling His fingers slide into me.. pushing me way over the edge i had been teetering on .......... and then.. then.. wondering how He was ever going to get me down from the chains without my falling.. feeling like i was falling.. holding on to Sir tightly ..but still being aware enough to enjoy the cheeky thought of how He would yelp if i .. by mistake.. grabbed a hold of His nipple and tugged on IT for support........... and sinking to the ground at His feet .. a puddle of submissivness.. thanking Him for the session.. thanking Him for everything...........

And then being snuggled up under the blankets upstairs in the recliner.. feeling myself dosing off.. feeling warm and snuggly and seeing my fairies dancing just beyond my reach.........

tap tap tap

It was 9ish when Sir decided it was time to play with my lil ass......... i was so not in the mood........ BUT i pulled the footstool over and presented my ass to Him. He had the crop and the cane ........ that's it ..... that's all. Two of my least favourite toys... welllllllllllll i guess if i was gonna be truthful none of the toys are my favourite at 9 pm on a Friday after a long week at work.........

Sir started with the crop.. pat pat pat then whallop... some more pat pat pat whallop....... and on and on .. till i thought i was gonna scream. It would have felt ohhhhhh so nice if Sir had kept to the ass.. to the cheeks - to the nice fleshy easy to take area... but ohhhhhhhhh nooooooo.. not Sir.. He was determined to cover the whole ass area with pat pats and whallops... from the soft spot where the ass joins the thighs right up to the very tip top part of the ass..

And He didn't even wait for me to get "into" the pat pat whallop rhythm before He changed to the cane.. the dreaded school master cane... ughhhhhhh that is a miserable toy... toy??? don't even try to call it a "toy"... it is a wicked nasty evil pain giver......... that is what it is !! One hit compresses the skin and nerve endings.. leave the cane pressing into the skin for a brief time then lift......... skin then bounces back and the blood rushes back into the area and basically you get two painful reactions for the price of one!! (my Sir always did love a good deal !!)

On and on it went.. whack .. wait.. lift.. OUCH.. whack .. wait .. lift .. OUCH.... finally i honestly didn't think i wanted any more .. could stand any more.. and i wiggled neatly around the edge of the footstool - just out of reach of the cane and Sir........... then it happened.. something i have never seen/heard Sir do before.. He tapped the cane against the floor - in the exact spot He wanted me......... "tap tap tap" i actually had to look to see what He was doing............ tap tap tap.. i moved my lil ass back into position...

tap tap tap.. not a word .. not a command .. just the tap tap tap and i moved just as i was supposed to .. offering my ass up for more pain.. and again when it was just too much .. i wiggled out of reach and there it was .. that tap tap tap.. and i moved back.. and it started all over.. whack .. wait.. lift .. OUCH..........

When i woke up this morning i heard (in my memory) that tap tap tap.... that simple sound is embedded in my memory............ tap tap tap move your ass....... makes me think... for some stupid reason... of the poem.. someone came knocking on my wee small door.. someone came knocking i am sure sure sure.....

for the love of bondage

Your Bishop Bondage Position Now hold still. Keep that ass up, legs spread wide, weight only on your shoulders. And don't relax your neck or head. Even the tiniest movement in any part of your body will make the pole wobble and shake, easily visible. You wouldn't want to need to be punished for wiggling, or do you? How would you be tied up? Take the Bishop Bondage Test (only 4 questions)

on feeling full......

(as promised ... this post is about my monday night task)

Funny how things happen........ on Monday morning in my private journal to Sir i was telling Him about my need to feel full.... to feel Him in me. (i am trying to be polite here - mainly so i don't blush!!)

When i got home from work Monday Sir had sent me an email telling me that i was to masturbate every hour on the hour with my bestest friend (translation pink vibrator) and i was to put the nipple clamps on while i was masturbating. The clamps were to be removed after i had cum. Now it wasn't exactly what i was dreaming of......... but considering the situation it was the next best thing. So i started at 6:00 with my bestest friend and nipple clamps. It was strange because i really do HATE nipple clamps.. and Sir has been kind (that's the G.O.S. side of Him) and hasn't been doing much with the nipple clamps. i thought as i screwed them on (ok ok i will admit it.. not all that tight for the first few times... BUT by 8:00 i was feeling a tad guilty and did put them on tighter) that it would appear Sir is returning to nipple torture. i wasn't too sure (hell i am still not too sure) if i liked the idea. BUT if it meant having some wonderful orgasms i wasn't gonna pass up the chance.

i thought...... as in the past it has happened.. that by the 3rd orgasm i would be losing interest. BUT that wasn't the case on Monday. i am guessing my body was more needy than even i imagined. Each time it was amazingly wonderful... and didn't feel all that much like a punishment - which i most certainly deserved for declaring a subbie revolt - but it felt like a wonderful reward ......... for what i have no idea.

Then today i was feeling the twitching that i associate with the need for more activity of the sexual kind... when i came home to read an email about fisting.. and read kaya’s blog about fisting. i have to admit to thinking the gods were out to get me.. i was already feeling needy and then to read about fisting the twitching just got worse.

It also made me realize that that is one of my life long dreams....... to be fisted. It has never been accomplished - not for lack of trying. Every trick in the book has been tried to get a fist into me.. and even a small female hand will not slide all the way into me. It just doesn't happen. The diagnosis is that i am just too small. (shall i pout now?? ) Once it was said to me that it was surprising i couldn't be fisted - seeing as i had had 2 babies. Now i can't help but wonder what having children has to do with being fisted?? Does the birth of a baby leave you forever stretched?? i honestly don't know .. sometimes my lack of "education" surprises even me......... but you see .. i did have 2 babies .. but not by natural child birth.. i was declared too small to deliver them.

So i am guessing i am doomed to never experience the feeling of being filled ...... totally and completely filled. Am i missing something?? i think i am....... but then i would like to experience a few things that just ain't ever going to happen ......... and you just get over it right??