thoughts...

Well it has happened again...... my subbie brain is bouncing around from here to there to eternity........... it has to come out or i will explode... (the reference point for most of this blog is from Sir’s blog )

Somedays i feel i can't win for trying...... i have a number of faults....... and i know them!! One of them being that i am anal ...... absolutely anal!! ....... about things having a place and being in their place. Mostly because if i don't operate that way i lose things.. and then i get angry/frustrated cause i can't find things. It is also a trigger for me.. losing things.. not being able to remember where they are........ how many times as a kid did i get heck for losing stuff?? i found the only way to protect myself was to be anal about where things went..... Now we all know it is the sub's job to take care of the Master's toys. i had worked out a rather neat plan for all Sir's toys... they hung on the wall in the play room. Neat tidy and i always knew where everything was. BUT.. best laid plans and all that... the toys move.. they go to play parties.. they go upstairs .. they move.... (sometimes i swear they move on their own!!) And over the last few weeks Sir has been giving me the dickens cause i don't know where things are.... and that old familiar knot in my stomach has reappeared.. Then i realized that sometimes while i am off dancing with the fairies i will put things away and have no memory where..... sometimes Sir will put things away.. and He puts them where He thinks they go best... which is FINE folks!!! absolutely fine... but i need to know where that is! when i am not dancing with my fairies..

Anyway.. all of this is to say i have been feeling stupid and forgetful and inadequate when it came to keeping track of the toys (look at what i went through over the lost cracker on Saturday night) But i was having trouble trying to explain to Sir what was going on...... and i know i made a cheeky (at least i meant it as cheeky)crack about His moving something i was looking for and not telling me.. Well on the weekend Sir moved a beautiful wooden box that sits in the living room and holds some of our BDSM toys..... i was aware that He moved it.. i heard Him move it.. i understood why He moved it......... of course when i needed the damn box.. what did i do?? i went instinctively to the place it usually is......... and then pointed out to Sir how He had moved it.. and i had thought it was lost........... (does anyone understand what i am trying to say here???? i am so damn lost)

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Ok i need a lesson in organising that does not involve mapping everything out.... i need a lesson in how to handle failure and not fall apart (in case you hadn't noticed i am something of a perfectionist and very hard on myself from time to time) i need a lesson on how to stop myself from rolling my eyes and how to keep a poker face......... and yeah maybe i need a lesson on just accepting..........
hells bells maybe... (searching for words to describe this light bulb moment) .... maybe this is all about giving over control........ maybe as much as i like to think i have given over control..... maybe i really haven't??? maybe having everything in it's place and mapped out is really a big control issue........... i am off to scratch my head about that one.........

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oh my god i am in SUCH trouble......... i am never going to be able to visit Texas.... i have more than 4 dildos/vibrators........ if you want to know what i am rambling about you have to check out The Michael’s blog and watch the video he has put up..

i will now pick my jaw up off the floor and move on.........

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Changing the subject completely...... to something a whole lot more fun.. and a whole lot more cheerful........... i am going to be changing the look of The Journey this week...... Christmas is coming and i have signed up for the Holidailies........... same as last year..... and December 1st is fast approaching.... time to get this blog whipped into some holiday spirit...........

Munches and hugs..

Sunday was our monthly munch (get together for dinner with other like minded people in the scene here in the Great White North). i used to adore going to munches .. back when.. loads of people came out (30 or more) and interesting topics got discussed.. or a sub or two got chastised.. back when..............

Now we are lucky to manage 15 people out....... and yeah yeah i get it Sir !! it doesn't take all that much organising on my part any more... BUT......... it does seem an awful lot of effort for a handful of die hard supporters .. friends actually.. and sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to have them here for dinner..... ok ok it defeats the whole purpose of a public munch .. i know i know!! AND i also know that there are a whole mess of people out there who don't have any sort of active community to 'munch' with so quit my bitching...........

Anywayyyyyyyyyyy.. This month it was even more difficult for me to get showered and changed and get my ass out the door cause it was our Canadian version of the American Super Bowl......... and my all time favourite team "Alouettes" were playing...... but being the good sub i am (stop choking!!!) i did shower and change and get my cute lil ass ready ........

When i went downstairs to join Sir.. there He stood .. tack bra in hand... with that evil wicked grin.. only Doms can get .. on His face. i struggled into the tack bra.. feeling every pin point prick like a needle being inserted. i held my breathe while Sir tugged and tightened and shifted and arranged everything just so. Then off we went.

At the munch......... Sir took great delight in having me greet everyone with a big hug... Everyone of course was more than willing to give me bear hugs... especially once they learned i was wearing the tack bra. The really good thing about the munch..... they had a large screen TV and i did get to watch (between hugs and gasps) my dearly beloved Alouettes lose to the BC Lions.

Thankfully.......... Sir left Monday morning with no further damage to my bruised, spotted and aching breasts.........

(i have posted to the photojournal - see the link at the right)

ouch

Now i don't want to be known as a whiner.... BUT ......... after Friday's session with the tack bra dontcha think that my breasts deserved some respite???

BUT ohhhhhhh no... after an absolutely fun day with Sir Christmas shopping and putting up Christmas lights and planting reindeer (do ya think i will grow a reindeer tree??) Saturday evening found me in my usual spot lying at Sir's feet watching TV.

At some point Sir moved around so that He was positioned directly above me..... His hand reached down and pulled up my snuggly sweatshirt exposing my breasts............. Then He began to squeeze them .. and slap them.. and grab the nipples pulling them directly upwards as far as (no no .. farther than that !!!) they would go... squeezed them tight.. shook my breasts... and then after a twisting turn released the nipples allowing the breasts to plunk down (plunk down is the best description i can come up with!!)

At one point i tried to grasp His wrists to slow Him down?? discourage Him?? i really have no idea why i thought i could change His plans by grasping His wrists........ to prevent knee jerk grabs at His hands i landed up lying on my hands..... and focusing on the different sensations between pinching, twisting, pulling, and shaking. There really IS a difference if you take time to notice........ honest !! true !!!

i am left wondering if Sir's Christmas spirit is manifesting itself in tit torture........ stay tuned.. when i figure it out i will let you all know!!!

transitions.......

psssst come close.. do i have a blog for you... all about transitions !!!!

Usually my Sir is pretty much like Raheretic (swan's Master) .. He just expects me to be there when He arrives....... there is no little ritual that He uses to get me there.. i am just expected to be there!

On Friday when i drove into the parking lot of our little condo.. i was half surprised to see Sir's car already tucked into it's space. i mumbled a little bit under my breath that i had the time it takes to empty my car and walk to the door - to pull myself through the transition and be there !!! i entered the house and stood looking (dumbly i might add) at two black bags sitting by the front door. i lifted my eyes to see our friend and Dom - Clouddarklight - sitting in the wing back chair in the living room - there truthfully aren't any words to describe the tableau that played out in front of me.. or inside me!!! My heart was pounding and i wasn't the least bit sure of what was going on... was i going to be sent to the kitchen to make coffee?? was i going to be gestured to come and sit at Sir's feet???

i was told in no uncertain terms to go upstairs and strip and bring the tack bra back down. Everything seemed to move so fast.... the tack bra was strapped on.. and pulled tight.. i picked up Cloud's black bags and carried them down the stairs to the playroom.......... Sir and Cloud were busy discussing where i would be hung........ (the chains won out) and without a "by your leave" i was strung up and the quirt was removed from its place of honour on the wall and was being used on my ass..... i gasped ... my mind was racing to catch up.. just 15 minutes ago i was getting out of the car - dressed like the teacher i am.. carrying my purse and briefcase and all the outward signs of a woman in control....... and here i was naked (except for the tack bra) hanging from chains in the ceiling being stroked and hit with a quirt.....

Just a small side comment here........... having a tack bra on... good and tight.. and then having one's arms stretched to the limits clipped to chains .. tends to bring ticky tacky pin prick ouches to the underside of one's breasts (more so than just normally wearing it) .. but i wasn't worried.. i had been here before.. no matter how much it hurts.. no matter how much it feels like my breasts are being slowly mauled and turned into raw hamburger meat.. there is never a mark to show for it..kaya promised.. never a mark!! .. i was calm .. i wasn't worried !!

Sir and Cloud took turns for a bit working over my ass with the quirt... then Cloud selected one of my least favourite tawses and started to work on my ass... Sir was using the quirt on my pussy and bra covered breasts... There was a fair amount of bantering going on between the two men... my mind was trying very hard to keep up with it all.. the talking/bantering.. the pain on my pussy.. on my breasts.. on my ass...

Then Sir suggested that it was probably a good time for Cloud to bring out the new toys He had made......... i have been the "toy test dummy" before for Cloud's toys... and i knew for certain that the only thing that WAS certain was that the next few minutes were gonna be lessons in surprises .. and pain........ and different sensations...

The first toy Cloud used felt .. in the final analysis.. razor sharp......... biting cutting slicing into my skin........ it got a rating of 9 out of 10 (cause i never ever give a 10 out of 10!!) This toy had me dancing my subbie jig of pain........

Cloud handed off that toy to Sir and reached for the next one.... While Sir was flicking away at my clit jewelry and breasts (still wrapped safe and sound inside the tack bra) Cloud went to work on my ass with the second toy...... i remember murmuring it felt pretty much like a flogger - much like my "stings like a thousand bees" flogger only with a little less bite.........

The Cloud reached for the final toy........... final being literal and figurative.......... that one nearly finished me off.. it felt much like a whip.......... with a hell of a wrap around..... more than once the tongue would lash around my hip and catch the edge of my pussy...

Sir was working on my breasts.. but every once in a while He would wander around behind me and i would feel the tempo pick up.. feel the sting that only Sir can give me.. and then Sir would wander back around and go to work on my breasts again........ at one point.. and for the life of me i have NO idea what toy it was .. but the toy caught the bra and flicked one of the tacks buried inside.. i let out a yelp that could have been heard at the North Pole i am sure !!! Sir moved over and undid the bra and let it slide up ........... He gleefully pointed out that my breast was bleeding... i glanced down to see .. yes .. i had been impaled on one of the tacks... more than one.. but one was bleeding...... all the while Cloud was busy working away on my ass and tops of my thighs..

It wasn't long after that that Sir and Cloud took me down ... and Cloud left to join His wife for dinner.. and i was left curled up at Sir's feet with fairies whispering in my ear..... welts forming on my ass... and pin point holes left in my breasts from kaya's tack bra........... KAYA!!!!!!!!

calling all strong women.........

i was reading a blog that asked the question..

how does a submissive go from this.............
to this...............

and as much as i came up with a fast glib answer - the question has had me thinking this week..............

because ....... you see......... one of the toughest things i have to do in a week is change my mind set from "boss" to "submissive". Sometimes when i get home on a friday afternoon i am tired and exasperated and find it very difficult to bite my tongue and curb my needs / temper when i walk through the door. It is like the submissive me is hiding and just doesn't want to come out.......... i want an easy transition..... i want it to happen in the car driving home.. i want to be naked on my knees when i enter the house (which is NOT possible so don't go there!!)

i can't be the only submissive who lives in the "real" world - the vanilla world - and has to make the transition........... what helps you ?? Is it something YOU do?? or something your Dominant does .. that helps you make the transition.........

Friday is two days away.......... can i say HELP?!!!