Sunday Sentiments

Making it "Ours"

Sir Steve promised (after the mess of the ceiling leaks) that we would start redecorating the house.

We've decided on colours for every room in the house........ the paint for the living room and hallway and kitchen has been purchased......... 

Today Sir Steve is starting in the living room

 here's the 'before' shot

Colour me happy and excited........... 

Spring Break

Today is the beginning of my spring break.  The lil one will be at her mother's all next week.  And that is a VERY good thing!  I am more than ready for a break from being 'step mom' and all the questionable joys that go along with that title.

I posted on FB something about my doing the happy dance because of spring break... and asked the question "is it wrong that I'm doing the happy dance?".  What surprised me was a comment I received from an acquaintance..... she said... 

 I am actually quite impressed with the fact you can tolerate being step mom to such a young child. I have ZERO interest in every playing step mom again. Cudos to you for stepping up daily

At first I didn't know what to say........ I still don't know what to say....... It's not like I had a choice ya know?  It was a package deal -- Dad + lil one.  I thought it over a lot .... I thought I had a good handle on it..... I was wrong of course.  There's no way you can really understand what it means to become a mom again -- at my age.  You can't fully grasp the amount of compromise and sacrifice that needs to happen.  It's way different from becoming a mom ......... I did that in my 20's when I was young and stupid and had energy.  

I could have stayed in my apartment.  I could have made my own life -- and only spent time with Sir Steve on weekends when he doesn't have the lil one.  Had a grown up relationship -- part time.  I am guessing more than a few people would have done just that.  But I don't do anything half way ya know?!  I waited all these years to have him in my life -- to be in his life -- why would I wait another 10 years or so?! 

Are there days that I feel put upon and taken advantage of ....... oh yeah... days when I feel like I am the only one doing homework and working on social skills and how to take responsibility ...... oh yeah... are there days that I want to just pack it in and leave ... oh yeah.......... will I give up........ nope not gonna happen. 

So I will go back to doing my happy dance at having 10 whole days off !

Stuck.....

When my girls were little they used to say that 'Mom' had two sets of menus...... the winter one and the summer one.  And they were right...... winter meals involved hardy meals -- meat and potatoe types of meals -- summer meals involved a barbecue and salads mostly.

When I was living on my own I didn't have the two different menus -- I just kinda ate what I felt like ...... as the spirit moved me sort of thing.  Now I am back to making family dinners I am back to the two menus............

AND dear god !!  I am so bored with winter dinners!!  I am stuck.  I swear if I make another curry chicken... or meatloaf... or sausage dinner or even a pasta casserole I will implode.  

I  think it came to a head this weekend.  Mother Nature was teasing us with lots of sunshine and almost warm temps (well it was kinda / sorta above freezing) and Sir Steve and I went for a drive in the country.  We stopped at this restaurant that we had read excellent reviews on for lunch.  I ordered their hamburger......... on a pretzel bun.  I took one bite and thought I had died and gone to heaven........ It had been cooked over an open flame and tasted just like summer!   It made me wistfully dream of camping and fires and barbecues and wine in the sunshine.

Monday it snowed a bit -- yesterday it snowed more.  and it was winter COLD again.

Tonite we are having sausage and pasta for dinner (combining two winter meals into one ... le sigh... I am so stuck)

Anyone else fed up with winter dinners?  Any suggestions how to break the monotony??

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On an entirely different topic......... 

I want to thank the folks who sent me private messages asking if I was ok because there hadn't been a blog for over a week.  Even Sir Steve commented on how I hadn't posted since February...... geez louise!!  saying it that way made it sound like FOREVER when it had actually only been a week (grinning)  me thinks he likes knowing what's going on in my screwy head.

I guess I felt like there was nothing much to say........ winter blahs me thinks....... I'll try to be more regular again...... so no one worries :)

Life is indeed very good when I am missed. 

And life goes on.......

About a year ago -- my youngest daughter announced that she and her hubbie were going to take the boys and go on a cruise this year.  It was the first real family holiday they had ever had.  I was happy for them.  (ok I wondered how they could afford it -- but that's just the mother worrying)

Then at a family function in November the other grandmother announced she couldn't wait for the cruise......... that she was going......... and that my daughter and hubbie had paid for her...... (though she did say something about paying them back a little bit at a time)

I was gob smacked.  I thought "family" holiday meant mom, dad, and the boys.  Apparently I was wrong.  and it hurt.  A lot.  The thought screamed at me "guess you're not family"

I did try to approach the subject (ok ok my method was pretty passive aggressive ) and daughter said " so come too".  Sorry there's no way I could wrap my head around finding the money for a flight/cruise and assorted expenses in under a month.  AND if I was really wanted ........ why wasn't I 'invited' a year ago?!

I thought I had handled the whole situation -- put it behind me.  Until Sunday when they left......... and posted a "family" pic at the airport....... Mom Dad 3 boys AND the other grandmother. It hurt me -- deeply.   

This week my voices have been nattering at me......... mostly stuff like I drove her away... wasn't attentive enough .... didn't do enough for her.... looking back - far back -- tough mother I was... probably not a particularly good mother.  That's why she has settled on the inlaw family as her family......... I deserve it......... (that sort of thing)  But I only have to look at my eldest daughter to know I did something right in my mothering.... something right for one of them.  

It's not a good week for me to try and be rational about this...... after 2 months I have cut back those nasty drugs again...... and my body and mind are reeling....... 

Sometimes life can be hurtful........ and that's not a good thing.