Announcement

This is gonna be short and sweet.......

i have added a new blog to my list of writing endeavors - Yes Miss

It is a blog about our search for a new submissive - the ups, the downs, the challenges and should we find someone it will be where we record the events.

And in case anyone is confused .. i have no intention of being either a switch OR a dominant...... Sir says i will be "alpha sub" .. there is only room for one Dominant in this household........

Processing revisited..

It would seem i have confused some.. upset others, and just plain bored others with my post on processing......

i will not apologize for those mixed emotions/feelings....... this blog has a dual purpose to amuse and titillate at times........ at others.. help me work out the confusion .. see through the muddied waters... and Processing was one of those times.

Cloud suggested that it could be the treatments i am on that are throwing my body for a loop..... could be ........ He also suggested that i need an ass to beat - nope no way. swan told me to hang on.. not to go there.. to just breath deeply and try and go with the flow...... good advise.

And Sir.. well Sir is distressed by my feelings......... and i don't want Him distressed.. i want to be where i was.... but maybe instead of looking backwards i need to look forward.... i need to process this new way of dealing with sessions... i need to believe my body is not broken.. just slightly bent to the left .. and that maybe things - like dripping wet on command - just won't come as automatically anymore.. This is an older body now...... and an older body on drugs (can't you see that as an ad on TV)

oh i don't know where this is going......... but my mind is sorting it out.. i am sorta poking different parts of the brain and waiting to see if it responds.. i have tried the physical stuff to stir up reactions - including the favoured vibrator (the hitachi) with not much success.. maybe it is time to try some hot hot writings/stories... jump start my imagination and see what happens.. either way i am not giving up on this old body.......... i refuse to give up !!!

Processing

i have noticed over these last weeks .. months.. that i am processing pain differently. At first i thought it was a phase that would pass... but it hasn't passed..... it looks as though it is here to stay....... and i am not that happy about it.


When the toys would sit in the living room across from me.. i would drool over them.. (ok ok.. i wasn't drooling in the real sense of the word.. more like dripping) and i was anxious to "get at it"........


Now the toys sit across from me in the living room and i try to ignore them. When a session starts it hurts.. plain old fashioned hurts....... but that's ok cause it used to hurt before too..... i would deep breath my way on top of the hurt and float away...... Sir would ask me "who loves Me" and i would quickly answer "me!!" and with enthusiasm.

Now when He asks who loves Me..... i almost want to say 'not me'.... in my head i am calling Sir every name in the book - it hurts.. He has no sympathy.. i am white knuckling my way through it.......

i thought it was the toys He selected.. the lexan cane..the blue floppy ruler... the whip.. the crops.. i realized it didn't much matter what toy He selected it just plain hurt.

Last night Sir was using the blue floppy ruler while He watched TV... the old game of watch the show - hit the subby's ass during commercials....... i was grinding my teeth..... Oh at first it was ok.. sort of a game.. but then i don't know what happened.. it wasn't ok anymore.. Sir even asked if i had had enough...... NO i hadn't had enough....... but i hadn't had anything good either. In my head i was using kaya’s safe word "stop motherfucker"... and it wasn't even remotely funny.

Somewhere between the anger and the pain......... and honestly i haven't a clue where........ it was gone.. everything was gone..... i didn't feel sensual.. i didn't feel horny or dripping .. i didn't feel the paddle (Sir had switched to the wooden paddle somewhere between one show and the next) i don't even know IF i was dripping.........

This morning my left ass cheek hurts....... a nice reminder.. of course there is no bruise..... never is...... and i have broken memories...... of giggling about Dopey and Doc and Grumpy (3 of the seven dwarfs for those of you not up on Fairy Tales) .. i remember laying against Sir's chest and running my nails over His nipples as His entwined His fingers in my hair.. a little reminder to 'behave myself' and then i remember being in bed.. of managing once again to yank the chains (that bind my ankles during the night) out of the frame...... And this morning......... well this morning i am left wondering about how i am processing pain....... and what happened.......... and will i ever get the old way back..........

Just a quickie

As the winds howl around the house..... and the snow and ice pellets and freezing rain batter the windows.... i sat and completed two tasks for Sir (who is - in case anyone is interested - stuck at home this snowy blustery night). The first task was with the ruffles have ridges clothes pegs......... and the other was an addition to the Fictional Journey (it is after all the 1st of February)

BUT i feel i should warn you..... this segment is a bit graphic and may not be for the faint of heart. You have been warned !!!

Challenges

i was having a discussion with a friend recently who asked what if one is not submissive enough? i took a long time answering the question......... i had never thought about it..... but it was a good question especially for someone just starting out in the BDSM world.

And it made me realize that there are other terms out there in BDSM land that we seldom use... almost like they are 4 letter words.. top and bottom - instead of slave/submissive and Dominant / Master.

Why is that everyone rushes along to attach the title of either slave or sub to their names.. why is that others rush along to attach the title of either Dominant or Master to their names?? And you do realize don't you........ dear readers .......... that there are folks out there in the real world who practice what we preach who don't put titles or labels to it at all....... they just DO it!!!

And if you must have a label.. and aren't comfortable with sub/slave then what is wrong with bottom and top???

i was trying to define bottom ........ and realized........ while i was musing away... that the typical definition wasn't necessarily the right one. A bottom does not have to mean a person who likes / seeks pain without the commitment.. someone who will play with anyone for the pain and pays little or no attention to the protocols of this lifestyle.

A bottom can be defined........ in my humble opinion anyway........ as someone who is working their way through the many mazes of activities that make up the wide spectrum of BDSM. A bottom can be someone who is not ready to commit themselves to the lifestyle or labels - just yet. Someone who wants to try out different activities and styles before they settle ....... much like test driving a car. You seldom drive one car and say "that's it" because just down the road is another little roadster that looks so inviting....

So why not have an entry level label of bottom?? BDSM is not a one size fits all kind of thing.... It is more a multifaceted ........ try it on and see if it fits... kind of thing.

AND for god's sakes don't compare yourself to me.. or to other submissives on line or in real life......... (and yeah yeah ... i know i compare.. and measure and push myself to reach some limit i read on line.. or saw at a party........ but for god's sakes i am not always right you know!!!) To me the most important thing about BDSM is trying out what fascinates you.. have a fitting........ ok the floggers feel rather nice.. but the whip ........ no thank you .. not on your life. A couple of clothes pegs might be nice....... but clamps - no thank you !!!!

Do you honestly think i started out playing with whips and floggers and lexan canes and needles oh my !!!!! No bloody way....... i had one little rope flogger i had made.... soft rope.. and it would give me a nice red bottom .. make it all warm.. make me feel all warm and fuzzy .. and after 15 or 20 minutes .. thank you very much i have had enough now.

AND i only came around to thinking about service submission 7 years ago when i met Sir for the first time.. He offered to teach me about bondage and service (or D/s) and i said sure why not.. kind of a lark........ a little fun for a few weeks or so. And yeah i landed up hooked BIG TIME........ but that doesn't mean everyone else will be..........

The challenge of this lifestyle may be not so much about finding the right partner.. but finding your style........ something that will fit you ... not some one size fits all that pinches here and bags there and leaves you feeling uncomfortable. The challenge comes from trying things out.. slowly and methodically... with someone who is caring and kind and understanding... That in my opinion is the real challenge !!