Bitchy

IF you are not in the mood to read a bitchy rant.. i suggest you move on for today.......

Today is the last day of my Easter break (a break i think i richly deservered!) i had plans.. nothing that would excite too many folks BUT i was gonna go out and purchase my all time favourite perfume ........ just smelling it makes the day bright (if you are interested i only wear 'angel' by Thierry Mugler) .....BUT before i could even digest breakfast i got hit by one of my killer headaches. i crashed on the sofa and have barely moved since........

and while i was lying on the sofa cursing this damn headache .. cursing the sun shining in my eyes.. cursing the world in general... i got to thinking about the monthly munches that are organised here in the Great White North ..... and the time and effort it takes.. the time and effort we go to try and bring out folks.. play parties.. different restaurants around the city...... and still on a really good month we get 15 - 20 people.. most of the time it is more like 8 - 10. AND despite the fact we ask for RSVP's so we can notify the restaurant ahead of time.. most of the time folks don't bother to RSVP.. or they DO and don't show........ what is wrong with people???!!! Trust me when i say...... if it was left up to me our munch would go the way of the dinosaur.

AND then i got thinking about this blog.. and how many people drop by each and every day....... this blog averages over 200 visits a day!?? and then i got bitchy over that.. i get that many visitors and only 3 or 4 comments on a good day??!! i don't believe i write that well that it leaves the reader speechless......

AND then i got thinking about my ISP and how bloody stupid they are....... i have been fighting with them for over a week now....... i want to download (actually i have downloaded) their security manager (an anti virus program) i tried to upgrade over a week ago to the PLUS so that i would also have spyware protection (as my current spyware was running out) and BINGO there was a problem.........ohhhh they put it on my bill alright.. BUT everytime i downloaded the software i got the same damn software i originally had.. without the spyware! i asked them (via the net) to send me the CD so i could upload it without problems and they agreed (that too was done via email) and today the CD arrived and it is for MSN Premium which i never ordered and don't want .. but guess what??!! i am also being billed for. i tried reaching their Customer Satisfaction department.. now this department is an interesting lesson in Customer relations.. first off they don't seem to follow office hours.. twice now i have called at 4:30 to hear a recording that the offices close at 5 but ooooops sorry we closed early today???!! Today they called me .. not to try and fix my problem.. but to tell me that unless someone in technical support or some other department refers me to them they won't talk to me....... huh??????? Customer Satisfaction does NOT want to talk to unsatisfied customers.... what is THAT about??

So after 5 days off.. 5 days might i add that i had such high hopes for.. it comes down to me lying on the sofa with a bitchy headache.. being bitchy....... this is only one of the many reasons it is smart that i basically live alone........ i will now crawl off and find a nice deep hole and pull the top in over me.......... the rant is over.

Sensory Deprivation

my dear 'friend' swan wrote a comment on my entry "being invisible".. it was a good comment. it was a sit up and take notice comment.

swan wrote:
"I imagine, if you are like me, you KNOW your place. It is just that you cannot FEEL it when your body does not get the feedback it craves. It is the sensory deprivation that is difficult to manage if it goes on for very long... a feeling that comes to resemble the beginning stages of starvation...."

swan was right..... i DO know my place. i am - for the most part - quiet when i should be quiet, i try extremely hard to NOT top from the bottom, i follow task lists left for me for the days when i am alone, i bow (most of the time) to Sir's needs and wants and ignore my own... because after all any good submissive/slave will tell you - her needs are always secondary to the Doms.

BUT should they be?? what happens when the sub's needs are so far down the list of priorities that they seem inconsequential?? When the only time left for her needs are late at night.. or squeezed in between this and that?? what happens then to the submissive's mind set?? Is this not a form of sensory deprivation??

Sensory deprivation is something that is often used in BDSM circles.. hoods, white noise, gags, blindfolds, cupboards. It is all quite exciting and fun. BUT the type of sensory deprivation swan was talking about and made me sit up and take notice has very little to do with toys.. it has a whole lot to do with just being ignored.... or the submissive part of me. And that submissive part of me is having a major melt down.

i feel anxious and cranky and am prone to tears. Sir HATES with a passion all 3 of those emotions in me.....and yet i have no idea how to control them. My body's need for endorphins is rising proportionately higher and faster than the pain i am receiving. And then i am feeling guilty for the wanting / needing/ yearning.

Saturday evening scared me. Scared me silly. Sir brought up the wooden paddle with the holes.. the one that hurts like the dickens and leaves my ass as hard as a rock with deep tissue bruising.

He also brought up the crop .. the one that stings and bruises (if i am ever gonna be bruised that is the one that will do it!)



He started with the paddle .. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP.. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP......over and over. At first it hurt.. but i didn't cry out.. it was making me angry. It was making me mad. And then it made me cry... not because it hurt.. but because i wanted more and more and more and i knew from the clock i wasn't gonna get it.

Then Sir switched to the crop and it wrapped a little bit and caught the side of my thigh a couple of times and i yelped and pulled away. But i quickly went back to my place over the footstool - because i just didn't care. and that scared me. And i think my reaction was worrying Sir too because in mid stroke He stopped and told me to come and hug Him.. and i did.. and i asked if it was over and He studied me and told me to resume the position and i did. And it started all over and in my head i kept thinking "why doesn't this hurt??" because it wasn't. and that scared me. It was like the pain inside of me was so much greater than the pain Sir was giving me. And that scared me.

i don't know what is wrong with me.. i do know swan's comment about sensory deprivation makes as much sense as anything else i have come up..............

i also want it noted - publically - that i love this man i call Sir with my whole being...... i know His faults and His foibles and His good sides... and love Him because of all of it, despite all of it.

poker face

If i ever believed that i have a poker face - time and experience has taught me otherwise. i have been accused of clearly telegraphing my emotions and thoughts. In fact a few years ago a member of my staff filed a grievance against me.. mainly because i "rolled my eyes" at her. (Of course the whole thing was thrown out BUT i was advised to try and keep my emotions / feelings concealed).

My children have always complained about "my faces".
My Sir complains (and punishes me) for "my faces"
Friends have complained i "roll my eyes" - which is just another way of saying "my faces".

This is obviously becoming a big problem for me. The interesting thing for me - though - is when i work really really hard at controlling "my faces" i am then asked repeatedly by everyone what is wrong??!! It is the same when i bite my tongue and work very hard at not being cheeky - everyone thinks i am angry or sick or upset....... go figure !!

What i think is wrong....... though i may be totally wrong here.. is that everyone places wayyyyy too much value on what i think/feel or how i look. Some people need to be a whole lot more comfortable with who they ARE... and not worry so much about what i think.. if indeed i am thinking about them. (did you follow THAT bouncing ball??) Just because i am sitting opposite you in a room full of people does not mean that i don't hear other comments and perhaps.. just maybe?? my rolling eyes are in reference to something other than what You have said??? or maybe i am bored and thinking about something that happened yesterday or the day before that.. and my face shows my reaction to THAT.. ok ok i know that is rude and if i am with company i should be hanging on their every word........ but hey..sometimes my mind wanders........ and shit happens !!!

Anyway...... i am feeling very much caught between a rock and a hard place.. i think perhaps i need to change my attitude to one of simpering devotion to every one and every thing that is said.. smile politely and nod a lot......

And if there is any doubt .. right about now.. about what i am truly feeling.......

alls well

It was THE best weekend !!! In the grand scheme of things it wasn't anything spectacular..but it just felt terrific !!

On Friday night Sir needled my ass and i was cringing and yelping and crying.. god it hurt!! He was sliding them in ever so slowly and it hurt like the dickens....... hurt sooooooo good!!

On Saturday morning Sir went off to the train store and left me home to get some much needed cleaning done.. relaxed .. no stress.. (god it is so easy to see the fur balls in daylight .. instead of by lamp light after work.. after dinner when i am pooped) Saturday afternoon Sir brought up two toys.. and had me over the foot stool for a session. It hurt too.. hurt sooooooo good! Sir stopped for a second or two to tell me that the needle holes were re-opening and i was bleeding again...... it was more an observation.. almost like discussing the fact that it is raining after a day of sunshine.....
Saturday night we met up with some friends from the States and had an "interesting" pizza supper....... gotta love hotels with menus for restaurants in different cities !!! (but that is another whole story !!)

And Sunday was laundry day .. and quiet day.. recharge the nearly dead battery day.......

nothing spectacular.. but it was warm and fuzzy and just plain nice.............

OH yeah..... and i actually managed to play an April fool's joke on Sir - something i am never very good at.......... BUT .. if you go to the Fictional Journey.. and scroll down past the recent story.. You will find an April Fool's announcement........ (which was put up bright and early on Sunday morning) and for those of you who don't understand french...... Poisson D'Avril is the french translation (rather literal) for April Fools..........

Tasks

i don't have many tasks.......... but the one i must abide by is that on the first of each month i must have a new story posted on the Fictional Journey....... please click the link on the right ..........