Thursday, April 20, 2017

The War

Eating disorders are like invisible bogey men -- hiding under the bed -- in the cupboard -- never EVER really gone for good.

I have been doing really really well the last couple of months -- eating 1200 calories a day without a fight -- without feeling sick -- without any side effects.  (and for CG -- grinning -- and not in one McDonald's meal either !!)  And the scales haven't budged -- well not more than one pound up or down.

But slowly almost unnoticed the feelings have started creeping back in.  Last week I pulled out a dress for Easter -- a dress I haven't worn since I bought it.  I got such a knot in my stomach that maybe it wouldn't fit -- maybe I was getting 'fat' again.  

Then I started to think about the summer coming -- and being at the campsite with Sir Steve -- and needing 'camping clothes' especially shorts and a decent bathing suit.... and the feelings just swamped me. 

I started to count how many weeks I have before I need to wear summer clothes and started calculating how fast I could lose the last 20 pounds I have always wanted to lose. 

My voices started whispering in my ear ' just cut back on your calories... go to the gym more.... walk more eat less.... you did it before you can do it again'  

I am saying this out loud (so to speak) cause I don't want to hide it -- I did that the last time -- I want to fight the urge not to cut back on food and increase the exercise -- I LIKE being healthy -- but I so want to lose the last 20 pounds!!  I SO want to buy shorts and swimsuits and not feel fat in them!  

That dress I thought wouldn't fit -- I wore at Easter -- got compliments on it even -- and I hated it!  Every time I looked in the mirror I looked so fat in it!  It looked too tight -- too small -- All I could see was the fat piling on my body.

And so the war begins again ........ the desperate need to lose 20 pounds in 2 months and the knowledge I must eat ..........  


Anonymous said...

This time of year is always hard for me too hon. Be gentle with yourself, rely on your safe foods, the ones that you can eat without feeling bad about, and remember that healthy wins every time. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't trust my own brain or what I saw in the mirror, so, I found that one person I could trust to tell me the truth and started listening to him instead. He's happy with my body, and he's the boss, so that has to mean that it's where he wants it and he will tell me of that changes. I've found the eating disorder craves control, so I took it away and gave it to someone else who deserved it. It's an uphill battle, and likely always will be. At least if you were a drug addict you wouldn't be forced to sit in front of your drug of choice 3 times a day. Remember that we love you :) and talk to that Sir of yours...tell him how you're feeling. I can almost promise you that he will take you seriously and do what needs to be done to help, he seems to me like that kind of Sir.. ( which I know is confusing at times since you have never had a functional one before)

Giant hugs


Bleue D'âme said...

Keep on doing that moment by moment things. Huge hugs.

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