Monday morning dawning

I actually saw the sun come up this morning........... not because I had to..... but because we had an alarm malfunction

I have been thinking for the last couple of hours what to write about the weekend...I had the sub group meeting on Saturday and we all had a good discussion on values..... and Sunday W and i got up early and headed off to Montreal for our monthly food shopping - AND - to join in the family birthday celebrations for middle grandson - who turned a BIG 7 on the weekend.

It was for the most part - a very vanilla weekend.  In fact I do believe that 24/7 looks an awful lot like vanilla life.

I think I had some skewered idea that 24/7 was gonna look a whole lot different - and I am having some trouble adjusting to the reality....... I think I thought life would involve a whole lot more of W ordering me and my obeying............ but it boils down to, we both do what needs to be done.  (and I do try to stay out of his hair as much as possible and do try NOT to talk him to death - without much success so far)  We do attend a couple of munches a month - which keeps the contact with the community.  

All in all life is good - the days run together - and weekends aren't as important as they were when I worked.  

Which means for the most part - the Monday "weekend report" entry will probably go the way of the dodo bird and be replaced by........................ ????   Time will tell.

Happy Monday everyone.

Sunday Sentiments

Values

 

Sometime last year I put out some feelers to see if this new community we had moved to would be interested in having a sub group.... a group that would meet once a month (or so) to discuss topics suitable for submissives... not a group for gossip...not a group for Dom bashing (or sub bashing either for that matter) ... just a group to support each other in our struggles/journey with submission.

Today is our 4th meeting.  Our topic is "Values".

Just for the record -

"values define the principles and standards which determine the extent to which human action or conduct is right or wrong. They encompass a wide range of universally accepted character traits such as compassion, kindness, humility, and loyalty " (to name just a few)

I know - personally - my value system is the same - the exact same - in my vanilla life as in my BDSM life.  But I suspect that there are some (maybe more than some) who have two separate sets of moral values - and I am guessing that the BDSM values may have a lower standard.  

I can't help but wonder if folks ever think about their life in kink framed by some set of values. 

As I sat outside in my quiet garden this morning - thinking - musing - I realized that my values are pretty basic - Honesty, trust, compassion, loyalty, these are some of the values I live by.

And the joke has always been (and probably always will be)  "in morningstar's world" this that and the other thing would never happen.  And it confuses the hell out of and annoys me when I see basic values (at least in my world) being thrown out the window for an hour or two of fun.   I think that is why I often feel I don't know "the rules of the game"...  why I feel more than a little lost and confused at public events.  Why more times than not - I just want to leave and run home to the safety of our lil home.  

So this afternoon's meeting will be educational for me.  Perhaps I will learn the "rules of the game" so to speak.  Get a handle on how others view Values and their importance in life - both in and out of the BDSM world.

And maybe - just maybe - this discussion will in some small way help me with my "Crisis"

 

Homework

My second homework assignment for my photography class was to go a local nature park and take 12 shots of things that interested us........ using, of course, everything we have learned so far in class.  That means no "automatic" - everything has to be weighed and measured and a tripod must be used.  (I hate tripods - cause they are bulky and awkward to drag around - especially through a nature trail)

But here are a few of my favourite shots from the assignment - I won't bore you with all 12............

Crisis of faith

 
Definition:
Crisis of faith is a term commonly applied, especially in Western culture, to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one's preconceived beliefs or life decisions.


I realized last week that I was feeling very conflicted about BDSM - THE lifestyle - and - if I am going to be totally honest - the people in it.  

I still have a clear picture of who I am - and where I should fit, in the scheme of things.  My   problem stems from everyone else around me.  When this lightbulb moment happened - I thought to myself - this must be why some people go off and join monasteries or nunneries.  The world around me seems out of focus - off kilter - running amok and I don't feel I fit in to this brave new world - so to speak.  

I want to go back to the basics........... but no one seems interested in the basics anymore.  Mostly people are quibbling - and pointing fingers.  Mostly people are vying for attention "I am the best" - for notoriety (and claiming their not!!!  never would!!!  that they are SO different from all the others who are prancing peacocks)  It feels like people are going for the shock value (have you seen all the blood and gore pictures over on Fetlife??)  It feels to me like folks are searching for fast faceless fucks and  quick fixes. 

The beauty and grace is gone.  It is the stuff television shows and movies are made of.  It's all make up and dress up and let's pretend.  It's all for show.  It's shallow and base and it makes me want to "get me to a nunnery"............... I am having a crisis of faith.

Permission

On Friday I put The Journey on Hiatus - on Saturday W asked me if I had permission to stop writing on The Journey.

I have been thinking about that....the permission thing.  And no I did not have permission to take a break from writing.  And I was wrong to just do it,  (though truthfully I believe if I had told W I was done with writing for now he would have shrugged his shoulders and told me to do what I wanted - he's like that you see) 

BUT that isn't any reason to have just stopped without permission.  

So I think I will pick up where I left off before this whole permission thing - I do have some thoughts on 24/7 and it not being some fun fantasy of whips and chains and floggers oh my !!!  (though - with my luck - W will probably ask why I started writing again without permission........... le sigh............ sometimes one can't win for trying)

Nothing

 

I have tried and tried this morning to write - I have poured out words upon words - and erased them.

Maybe what W said is true - that it all just becomes very boring and mundane to write / read .........

So - for now - until the words are less boring less mundane - I am going to take a break from blogging.  

Klutz

The pictures that one sees of Tai Chi are always so beautiful - and the people doing it so very graceful.

I always thought it would be fun to take Tai Chi classes.  But between work and family I never seemed to find time.

Well now I am retired - with all sorts of time on my hands.  So I signed up for classes  - 4 months of classes!!!

Today was my first class.

Now I have never considered myself to have 2 left feet - or to be unable to follow simple directions........... but dear god!!!  Tai chi may just defeat me.   I couldn't even remember which foot was my left foot !!!  

KLUTZ !!

I think it is gonna be a long long time before I am one of those graceful folks doing Tai Chi in the early morning dew........... thank god I signed up for 4 months!!

Going Exploring

Saturday there was a train show in a town about an hour away from us.  W decided, instead of taking the highway, (boringgggggggggg) we would take the back roads and have a bit of an adventure.

We had a beautiful day for our exploration/adventure.  Sun shining bright - the air crisp and cool (truthfully I would have liked a little more heat - but hey it is mid September!)

I of course brought my camera along - still working on the homework project - and trying to reinforce the lessons learned at last week's class.

W spotted the following, down one of the country lanes and pulled over and stopped so I could take pictures to my heart's content........... Can you imagine having a fence like this???

I kept wondering which door opened into the "magic" garden - and thought it all felt a little bit like something from "Alice through the looking glass"

We made it to the train show and to be honest I think I need lesson 2 to be able to take pictures of moving trains in mixed lighting.......... BUT we did head off into the town for lunch and then a walk down Main street - and had a poke around in some of the more interesting shops.  

Along Main street I had this "thing" about the brick walls down the lane ways........... 

Once done in town we decided to head North for a bit and pop in on some friends.  They live in a 100 year old house on the river.  I have always loved their gate to the back yard...................

And then heading home we spotted this barn covered in bird houses and you know I had to have a shot of that!!! 

  Sunday we had a couple of things on the agenda - one being  vegging out at home.  But a friend invited us to an impromptu barbq and potluck supper so I whipped up a casserole  - grabbed some squares from the freezer (left over from the collaring last weekend) and off we went.  We had good fun with friends even met someone new (which truthfully isn't that difficult for us - seeing as we're still the newbies around here)


And then it was time to head home again......... 

What a weekend of exploring we had !!


 

  

Sunday Sentiments

Homework

Actually this week I didn't really have homework for my photography class - but as I am struggling with the concept of apertures and shutter speeds - I decided to try a few shots without the "automatic" setting.  

One of the assignments coming up - is to take 10 pictures of the same thing - with different shutter speeds and different apertures........... I figured I would get a head start.  So the other evening right around sun set I grabbed my camera and headed outside.  

My dear teacher has a love of water - ponds - puddles.  And hey I am not beyond earning a few extra marks by sucking up (cheeky grin).  I took - I don't know - about 20 shots of two leaves floating in a puddle of water on the top of container on the front deck.   It got old real fast..................

I will spare you the 20 shots   - but here is one ......................

Something made me look up   -  the sun had almost set - and there in the night sky was a rainbow.  I knew I would get basically one shot at it.... so I went for it.............

I don't feel quite so at odds with apertures and shutter speeds.......... and figure things can only improve from here.................

Walking a fine line

I have been collared for 4 days now (collared for those that don't know - means owned - property of)  I have been collared before - this should be easy right ? like riding a bike - you don't forget - you just get back on and start pedaling as fast as you can ........... and balance.

I believe it is the balance that is my downfall.  I keep falling off the proverbial bike. And it is tying me up in knots (forgive the pun)

The basics are ok - it is ... what shall I call it??? - the fine tuning of  being owned that I am messing up.  (AND please don't anyone tell me to talk to W - or any other comment about communication - in the real world - sometimes talking doesn't work - it just doesn't)

In our negotiations W made it quite clear that  he was not going to change - and I wasn't to try!  I have been hyper vigilante about not changing him.  Example - W is used to eating "bachelor type meals" I want to cook for him - make him nice dinners (at least) and He doesn't always get it... He would be happy with frozen dinners or hot dogs and hamburgers all the time.  I am trying to find a balance between his easy meals and my desire to make nice dinners... a sort of / kind of 2 days of my meals 1 day of easy bachelor food - 2 days of my meals and  so on......(does that make sense??)

I also know that W feels that he is always the one taking care of others............ and as much as he enjoys it .............it can get old pretty damn fast.  So I didn't want to be one of the ones who needs him to "take care of them"........ I want to be strong and independent and take care of myself for W........... but deep down inside I want to curl up and let W take care of things.......

Example - I had a doctor's appointment the other day - wayyyyyyy downtown (which here in Kingston is a laugh - it is about 15 minutes from us) and I was getting stressed about a) going to the doctor and b) going alone and maybe getting lost.  W took me...... and I felt guilty.  On the way home we stopped at a clothing store cause I wanted to see if I could pick up some exercise clothes (my plan is to start taking Tai Chi classes at the end of the month) ......... W didn't come into the store and I lost track of time going through all the racks of clothes trying to find what I needed - and landed up not finding anything!!  When I got outside - W made a crack about how long it took.............

Yesterday we were supposed to go grocery shopping - only W's car got rear ended while he was putting air in the tires - some little 19 year old decided to park her SUV in his trunk (no one got hurt!!)  And so the rest of the morning was dealing with that - and a quick visit to the body shop.  W said at some point "another day wasted".  And as the other two days had been running around with me - I felt guilty.

I am desperately trying to find the fine line between being a "roommate/wife" and being his submissive............. I know what I want - I want to curl up and let him take care of things...take care of me....... but then W would be spending time on me - and not having time for himself right??? and dear god in heaven - the very last thing I want is to be seen/perceived as a burden - a chore - a pain in the ass.

So ...............

I am pedaling as fast as I can and trying as hard as I can to find the balance.......... it's the balance that's doing me in.

 

Back to School

During the months leading up to my retirement - when asked what my plans were - I would say "I am going back to school".  It was fun to watch their shocked expressions.... school??!!!  (and I could hear them saying "at HER age??!!")

One of the first things I did when I arrived in Kingston on July 1st - after I kissed W and unpacked - was to look up when the next photography classes started at the local college.  Registration was August 12th - classes started Sept. 10th.

Yesterday was Sept 10th.  And so it was, that at 5:30p.m. last evening, I headed off to my first class of photography in my new BIG school.  

W had warned me - W had suggested we do a dry run around the school to find my classroom.  But did I listen?? no no... it was ok ... I knew the class was on the 3rd floor - how difficult could it be??

Let me say this - right here and now!! 
1)  I will not be running late next week 
2) I will pay attention to land marks around the building - like the fact I am in the orange wing - and everything in the orange wing is ORANGE!!
3) I will bring the floor plans supplied by the college
4) whenever I leave the classroom I will leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back!

After 3 hours of watching slide shows of the teacher's artsy fartsy over exposed blurred colour slides - 

- listening to words like apertures and shutter speeds and trying to find the silly button that would make my camera click like everyone else's camera - I drove home in the dark (doesn't the city of Kingston pay their electric bill - half the street lights were out!!) brain aching - eyes blurred - body tired.  

I asked myself why in god's name I wanted to do this??? Go back to school - night school at that !! - with a bunch of 20 / 30 somethings.............and the answer was - I  want to learn this!!!  and I WILL learn this !!  (even if I have to do remedial work at home - LOL)

Now if you will excuse me - I have homework to do................
 

BSBZ

BSBZ are  the letters on my license plate.  A lot of people here in Kingston get "vanity" plates which can say anything (almost) you want.  I had thought of getting one until I got my assigned plate - and the girl who gave it to me said "How clever - 'busy bees' "  and that did it for me.... I am 'busy bees' !!

All that was to lead in to how busy we were this weekend...  the collaring ceremony in and of itself was enough - BUT - we had 2 friends stay over night from Montreal and one friend from Ottawa. All the house guests wanted to be on the road by 9 a.m Sunday (give or take) so I was up bright and early and had scrambled eggs, toast, bacon, coffee and juice on the table by 8:00 a.m.   Our Ottawa guest left shortly after 9 - our Montreal guests moved to the living room with a second cup of coffee and chatted away till 11:00 a.m.

We had just said "goodbye" to them - and Sir had sent me down to curl up on the couch in the "man cave" when friends from Kingston dropped by to bring us a small stool.  Soon we were having coffee in the living room hashing over the ceremony a bit.. when it came up that they were planning on heading down to the Multi cultural festival downtown.  

Sir and I threw on some clothes (that is NOT to say we had been naked!! - get your minds out of the gutter !!  shame on you !!)  and off we went too.  

What fun we had visiting the 10 - 12 countries represented in Confederation Square.  We had lunch in the Philippines, watched the highland fling, poked around booths with crafts, admired all the colourful clothing.......... and just had a great time.  Around 1:30 (I believe) there was a demonstration of Japanese drumming.  We all decided to watch it.

It was pretty interesting to watch and best of all they offered a workshop to any and all interested participants.

I couldn't resist and neither could friend W (not MY W - but friend W) MY W and friend W's wife went and found a front row seat to watch our humiliation.  I was so enthusiastic to learn this japanese drumming that I didn't notice friend W and I were the only adults lined up.....two adults in the midst of 20+ kids - little kids at that !!!    
ugh......... I had a moment or two where I nearly chickened out - then said "screw it - I'll be the eccentric old lady!!"

My W had great fun taking unflattering pictures of my ass during the warm up exercises (which you will NOT see) ........... but when it came to the actual drumming he did catch a reasonably good pic of me................

When the drumming was done and friend W and I had picked up the contact information for the group (we are seriously considering joining the group) we all headed off home for a "quiet" evening at our respective houses. 




 Think that is the end of my story / the end of our weekend?? Think again.....


Just after W and I had curled up in the man cave for a quiet evening in front of the television............. W got a message from a submissive who needed a shoulder and an ear.  So we told her to come over and we'd talk

And talk we did - until after 11:00 pm - so much for my plans of an early night.  

BSBZ  - that's what we are!!  and I am lovin' it ! 

Announcement

I know I have been absent from The Journey for a bit......... but I have had a really good reason!  an exciting reason !!  a secret that is no longer a secret!!

After a few years of  re-negotiating and talking and (most importantly) loving............

On Saturday Sept 7th at 5:00 p.m. W and i had a re-collaring ceremony in front of 20 new and old friends.

I spent last week (well truthfully longer than that) getting ready for this big day.  We held the ceremony here at the house and had our guests (all 20 of them) stay for dinner.  I cooked and cleaned and got butterflies - and cooked some more.  

But I am pleased to say that the ceremony and dinner went off better than I had hoped, and I am now (once again) collared to Sir.


Here are just a few pictures of the event............... you will notice that keeping with my obsession with all things oriental - I wore a kimono. 

 here i am in the bedroom getting dressed with a close friend's help 

the event was planned to be held in the new oriental garden

However Mother Nature didn't cooperate 

and the rain moved us inside to the living room 

 the actual collaring

W tied rope around my obi to symbolize the bond between us 

 

 And then it was "let them eat cake" time......... 

As well as chicken pastries, ribs, steak kabobs salads and  sweets galore  

And now the next chapter in our life together begins.......... together, loving, and happy!

 

Bad Dream

There were voices lots and lots of voices - raised voices - yelling voices 

And I heard my voice yelling "Master John noooooooooooooooo"

And then I heard a woman's voice saying "front door " and I jumped awake from that dream of raised voices thinking someone - some raised voice - had broken into our little home - my safe refuge.  But it was only the security alarm shutting off ........ only the start of a new day with no raised voices ......... and my heart stopped thumping...............

Poke poke

W humored me yesterday - and yes I do mean humored - I think he could have found umpteen other things to do with his afternoon - but he humored me by doing needle play.  

When we were in Toronto for that Chinese festival - he purchased a couple of boxes of needles.  Not the ouchy - make pretty pattern needles - but my favourite - acupuncture needles (which is not to say they aren't ouchy - just not as ouchy as the other needles)

I stretched out on the sofa and he went to town sticking me..................

I always think needle play must get a little boring for the "needler" as once the needles are in there isn't much else for them to do............  W would wander past every once in a while and rub his hands over the needles - making them vibrate - or pushing down on them - making me moan softly.

It was quite interesting when W decided to give me an orgasm -  all the while he was working inside me with one hand - the other hand was slapping the needles and rubbing them............. I wasn't sure what brought me to the earth shattering mind blowing orgasm - W inside me - or W outside me playing with the needles.

The thing with acupuncture needles when they have been in for a while they start to feel like a million mosquitoes biting  - W took them out when the itching became more than I could handle (never mind the fact I had to go pee soooooooo badly!)

When I saw the after pics I realized the marks left look a whole lot like mosquito bites..... 

  
Now that we seem to have gone back to the "good old days" I wonder when W when bring out the cupping set and a few of the other old toys.............. (cheeky grin) Poke poke!

Old Farts

We were invited to a dinner party on Saturday evening.  The invite said "for dinner and cards".  We accepted.

It's not always easy when you are the new kid in town to go to parties where you don't know everyone - well it isn't easy for me.  I am - by nature - shy and prefer to be with folks I know well.  But I rationalized I know W very well - and I knew one other guest very well - sooooo I would be ok.

We arrived and let ourselves into the house - as a guest on the balcony smoking told us to"just go in".  

I walked in carrying a hostess gift of wine expecting to greet the hostess and the host ... but the hostess was busy playing with the video / television.  In the end I actually followed her to the kitchen - still carrying the wine feeling a bit like a dolt and just thrust it at her and gave her an awkward hug.  

As folks arrived they congregated in the kitchen - I finally went around and introduced myself ........... because I do not know everyone!  Oh I may have met folks once before - but truthfully I do not remember them (did anyone tell me there was gonna be a 'test' months after I did meet them once??!!)

Dinner went ok - the food was ok - the conversation was weird.

Then everyone retired to the "family room" and just sort of sat around.  Conversation turned to the philosophies etc of BDSM and it was starting to flow for me.  Then - one of the male guests got up and left.............. coming back with a backpack filled with rope.  He had - apparently - asked one of the female guests if she wanted to be tied.  

The next thing I knew he was tying her - then the husband of the hostess disappeared and returned with a HUGE pile of rope.  Another male guest started to tie the hostess... and she turned to another male guest and offered him the use of her ropes to tie another female guest.

I glanced around the room (feeling very apart from what was going on) and there were 3 separate ties going on......... the original male with the original female, the hostess was being tied by a male guest  - and another male guest was tying another single female guest.

W and I............... 

Well we were left sitting on the sofa - like a couple of old farts acting as chaperones.

 First rule of BDSM is one does NOT touch anyone else's toys/ropes unless invited to.  There was no way in hell we were gonna touch the pile of rope in the middle of the room without being invited............ and we weren't invited.

Truthfully at that point I could have quite happily stood up and left - but I didn't bring it up with W - it would have been difficult to do it without making a HUGE scene.

When all the tying was over (oh stay with me here - it gets better) everyone seemed to spill out of the ropes and moved to different partners...... or multiple partners.  There was a whole lot of snuggling and touching and sexual tension.

Then one of the guests turned to us - and said  (honestly I cannot remember the context now - just the words spoken) "You two are old"............... WTF????!!!!

He made me angry - and as the famous line goes "don't make me angry - you won't like me much if you make me angry"   I thanked him for his kind words - I pointed out to him diplomatically that age is just a number and I have NO intention of "going gently into that good night" 

Shortly after I asked W if we could leave - I felt anxious and not the least bit safe or comfortable.  And so we left at 1:30 a.m.  I hear the party went on till 4:30 / 5:00 a.m.  I am not entirely sure I want to know what they did for those final 4 hours...... 

I do know that I hear occasionally here in Kingston - people bemoaning how the experienced folks are disappearing - withdrawing.  One chap even said on Saturday that he really wanted to learn about TPE and D/s relationships - but for the most part there was no one to learn from. Really??!! and this surprises you why???  

When your elders - who probably have some of this experience you are looking for - are told they are old - so old that perhaps they should be put out to pasture - the knee jerk reaction is to go "underground" ......... go private  - leave the young 'uns to play their silly little games and wonder where everyone has gone.....................

Because trust me I will NOT go gently into the good night" I intend to fill every moment of my life with 60 seconds worth of living  - I will NOT be delegated to the sofa to sit like an old fart.............. 

putting my soap box away ................

Sunday Sentiments

W sent me this cartoon yesterday - it made me smile.  You see lil miss ashes HATES when the floggers come out... and she cries while W whips my ass - and after two or three hits miss ashes takes off for parts unknown.

HOWEVER

once the toys are thrown on the floor and I am snuggled up on the couch missy reappears like magic and bats the toys and rubs herself all over them......... and if either W or I pick up one and tap her with it.. she rolls over on her back and squirms and squirms purring like mad............. weird cat (as W says!!)