Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Starting again...

When i experience a session as i did on Saturday it seems to empty me... and i don't know where to start again.........

i have read the comments and they touched me.... and i thought i should answer them.. but there were no words in my emptiness.... Today Jo asked me some questions about Saturday .. and they have been echoing in my mind... stirring me to write again.... maybe to open up the blinds i closed on Saturday and peek a little more into the session..........

Jo asked:
Is it satisfying for you? Is it something you like to experiment?? And if not, what is the substitut you love enough to 'endure' that...???

i think i understand what she was asking...... and i will try to answer ...... if i am off base please tell me Jo.........

Was Saturday satisfying for me........ YES..... in a very strange and weird way it was. The session was not about my needs or wants.. it was about Sir. BUT more than that... it was an attitude adjustment.. i had been wicked and wild and rude to Sir (i am embarassed to admit it publically - but i was) If Sir had not done an "attitude adjustment" things would not have improved.. i would have felt .. for lack of a better word .. powerful... and i do not wish to be powerful... i do not exist to be powerful.. in fact power makes me very uncomfortable and very cranky and just a little bit scared.

Is it something i like to experience (i think that is what you meant Jo??) YES........ because somedays .... things spiral out of control and i feel like i am tossing in the wind.... i need that attitude adjustment to bring me back to reality.. to anchor me and help me feel safe.... the best example i can give (and yeah i have probably given it before) is a child who is living with no fences.. no boundaries... they can go where they want.. do what they want... and it scares them to death .. to feel safe they need the fences and the boundaries .. that is when they feel the most loved and cared for.. and secure.

If not what is the substitute you love enough to endure that??? As much as i answered YES to the previous question.. the answer was also NO....... i don't think anyone loves to have pain that cuts to their very soul.........there were no soft touches.. no caresses .. no loving words during the session.......... it was an attitude adjustment .. and i knew it.. felt it deep inside of me.. and that hurt more than the whips and floggers and canes. i do not substitute anything to help me endure it. NOTHING. i let myself be emptied......... left empty .... until once again i am ready to be open and allow the goodness that is my relationship with Sir to fill me again....... to know Sir loves/cares for me enough to correct my bad behaviours is worth the "enduring".........

(i have posted a little something to the photojournal - for those of you who are interested)


  1. Anonymous1:05 am

    Hummm... thank you for answering... and this is something I feel thast I need but never get...
    And I know I will never get it... not in this relationship... He wants, but he cant... and I am the one running the show while he sould be doing it...
    We are at a turning point right now... or whe fix it, or we go on our own... and I admit that I'm tempted to go on my own... but how can I do that with his initial in my skin? his rings inmy piercings?? How can I do that?? I don't know.. all I know is that I am right now more than frustrated, and will be bery happy if he could only realize what is missing...
    Humm... I like your answer... a lot.. you are very special to me... ;-)

  2. Anonymous1:32 pm

    i dont think i tell you enough how much i enjoy reading your blog.

    i don't comment often but i do read it religiously.

    Thanks for sharing,


  3. well the submissive feeling come true through your words as usual


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