Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Love





I have 'loved' many times ......... and each time it was different - didn't feel the same - wasn't the same.

I have been thinking how quickly we jump to use the word "love" -- but I wonder if it isn't just 'lust' -- or an insecurity poking it's head out -- 'I love you (please love me too) because I am insecure'
OR 
I love you because you are new and exciting and you make me feel things that are warm and fuzzy and wonderful.  (which is in my mind lust)

No matter how deeply I have fallen in lust with someone  over this past year - the word "love" has never come to mind.  At first I thought it was because my heart was so broken from the ending of my last long term relationship -- or that I had built a really good strong tall wall around my heart.  


I have talked with friends about my reluctance to say "love" -- or even to feel "love" .... is there /was there something wrong with me???    I don't even know what the word means anymore!

I actually looked up the meaning of "love" -- it means "to have an intense feeling of affection" .  So now I am really confused...... (grinning) affection isn't what I picture in my mind love looks like.  Damn have I been wrong all these years?? I always thought "love" was some extreme emotion - the strongest emotion - the be all and end all of emotions.

I realized maybe I needed another way of looking at "love" - another definition........ 
I went back to my "roots" (seems to be my theme this week) ..... at my brother's wedding I read a verse on 'love' 

"love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs"

Ok so maybe I do "love" -- but by a different definition than I originally held..... 

Love in my humble opinion should not hobble you - it should allow you both space to grow - space to BE.  Maybe it is the poly in me - I don't know - maybe it is just a more mature/experienced way of looking at a relationship - at love.  Maybe for me - it isn't necessary to say the words "I love you" - maybe for me - it is about allowing you to be who and what you are - without trying to change you....... 

OR maybe it's just that I am weird (grinning)




1 comment:

Blondie said...

As long as you love yourself in all ways, the rest is however you see it. With age comes wisdom.