The silly goose me spent yesterday looking back on the weekend - picking it apart - analyzing everything - worrying that somehow I hadn't lived up to his expectations.
Left over damage from previous relationships had me grading my sexual abilities - and finding myself failing!!! I worked myself into such a state - that I almost couldn't accept he had invited me to spend next weekend with him.
After all he hadn't called me Monday night right??? SO (in my brilliant logic) he had had time to think it over and decided he didn't want me - didn't need my insecurities - didn't need my inabilities to perform sexually.
I had work to do yesterday - a lot of work - rush work - and I could not focus to do it... I fussed and fussed and as the day went on I was almost catatonic - then I had a brilliant idea! I'd call him during the day when I knew he wouldn't be home and leave a casual message on his phone............. and put the ball in his court - "call me back if you want to"
I went back to my work - but with one eye on the clock - and as 5:30 rolled around - and no call - I made myself calm down - because the weather had been awful - snow and more snow - he would probably be late getting home.
Just after 6 I was in the kitchen making dinner when my phone rang.......... by the time I picked it up I was grinning...........
Yes it was him............
He'd had an awful day at work - and wanted to hear about my awful day at work........ I stammered out some stupid reason - but finally 'fessed up I couldn't get him out of my head.
He laughed......... and asked me (with this cheeky tone) what exactly couldn't I get out of my head ....... was it his excellent cooking - the terrible movie - what ???
I sat here blushing...... finally mumbling I couldn't get the bedroom scene out of my head....... and wondered (blushing here and mumbling) if he had been thinking of the bedroom scene as well.
He laughed out loud. Said if he had thought too much about the weekend - period! - he wouldn't have been able to get any work done........ told me he was in the bath warming up - and did I have any clue what my voice was doing to him??? cheeky man!! cheeky bantering between the two of us......
Then he casually asked if I wanted to come over - right then and there - and he would fix me dinner ................. I was speechless......... not only did he not have any problems with our weekend - he wanted to see me NOW!!! Thankfully it was snowing up a storm and I had no desire to face it........... otherwise I might have been having dinner in bed (cheeky grin)
He reassured me that he thoroughly enjoyed the weekend ........ all of it - nothing excluded. He asked if I had given any thought to bringing my toothbrush this coming weekend.......... duh!!! that's all I had been thinking of........
We talked for a few minutes more - I was feeling all warm and fuzzy when we finally said goodbye ........... my fussing over the weekend was just me being a silly goose!!
I do have to learn to stop being so critical of myself. I have to learn to trust my instincts - AND to act on them....... IF I don't do something right he will show me how............ I will learn ........... and maybe just maybe the voices in my head - the ones that tell me I am a disappointment sexually will get quieter and quieter until I don't hear them at all anymore......... and that will be a very good thing!!