Thursday, April 03, 2014

Best Laid Plans






I had a plan for when I retired and came to Kingston - came to W.  It was a pretty simple plan - I was going to make W happy - I was gonna make his life as easy as possible - I was gonna take care of him.  

It seemed to me - being an outsider looking in - that all W's life - he had sacrificed his joy to take care of family/friends.  He has driven to doctor's appointments - nursed and advocated and cared for family/friends his whole life.  NOW I was gonna be with him - I was gonna take care of him - He wasn't gonna have to be the caregiver anymore (well not to the extremes he had had to his whole life)

And now here I sit the morning of my second biopsy and I can't help but cry - cause he is having to do it again,.... he is having to drive me - to advocate for me - to care for me.  It isn't fair !!  and it makes me angry and sad and a whole mess of other emotions I can't even identify.

And on top of that - I am not even very nice to live with right now.  I don't talk much - I don't want to snuggle - or be a brat - or anything.  I feel like I might shatter and fall apart if anyone so much as touches me.............. this is NOT how I planned things!!  Damn it!!  not how I planned it all!!!

I had great plans.  And now they are but bits of a dream blown away like dust.  AND I want to tell W I am sorry  - and I can't - the words won't come.......... the tears come but not the words.  I am just so sorry.

4 comments:

Sir said...

" Love means never having to say sorry "

W

Anonymous said...

Listen to Sir... he said it so lovingly beautiful! Let him comfort you, Morningstar you won't shatter. He is the Dom and knows what you need right now.

Joyce

Blondie said...

Just know that I have been reading your blog and I am praying for you. Helping a loved one isn't always work, helping out of love is love

Anonymous said...

It's obvious that W loves you very much and chooses to be there for you, no matter what. I'm sure he understands that you cannot be the perfect sub right now. Please don't waste your energy feeling bad about that.
Sending healing thoughts and positive energy your way...