Thursday, April 03, 2014
Best Laid Plans
I had a plan for when I retired and came to Kingston - came to W. It was a pretty simple plan - I was going to make W happy - I was gonna make his life as easy as possible - I was gonna take care of him.
It seemed to me - being an outsider looking in - that all W's life - he had sacrificed his joy to take care of family/friends. He has driven to doctor's appointments - nursed and advocated and cared for family/friends his whole life. NOW I was gonna be with him - I was gonna take care of him - He wasn't gonna have to be the caregiver anymore (well not to the extremes he had had to his whole life)
And now here I sit the morning of my second biopsy and I can't help but cry - cause he is having to do it again,.... he is having to drive me - to advocate for me - to care for me. It isn't fair !! and it makes me angry and sad and a whole mess of other emotions I can't even identify.
And on top of that - I am not even very nice to live with right now. I don't talk much - I don't want to snuggle - or be a brat - or anything. I feel like I might shatter and fall apart if anyone so much as touches me.............. this is NOT how I planned things!! Damn it!! not how I planned it all!!!
I had great plans. And now they are but bits of a dream blown away like dust. AND I want to tell W I am sorry - and I can't - the words won't come.......... the tears come but not the words. I am just so sorry.