Thursday, April 10, 2014

MY Journey

I was trying to come up with a post for The Journey this morning.......... and to be honest I have felt for a long time now that for the most part my writing has deviated away from BDSM and is more along the lines of some vanilla house wife's bitching about life.  There just isn't (hasn't been) a whole lot of BDSM going on in this house these days.

BUT then I thought - originally this blog was really just my way of documenting my life - all my life - which means more than BDSM.  Yeah my readership has dropped off - but the main purpose is still MY writing about MY life - whatever that may be on any given day.

Today I need to document my efforts to stop smoking.  "They" say the more people who know you are trying to stop the better it is.  Now I am not too sure I totally agree with that philosophy - since I really must do this for ME.    I have found in the last week (especially) that every time I go to have a cigarette I feel guilty - guilty because I know W is aware I am smoking and I feel like I am letting him down (yet again)  But that's when I have to remind myself I am NOT doing this for him - I am doing it for ME - for MY health.............. because unlike a lot of people - I do not function well working from guilt.  It tends to make me angry and take a "who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do" attitude.  Yup - it's much better if I do this for me 

 I found the above poster and read it / studied it carefully.  OH I have always known that there were all these nasty poisonous chemicals in my beloved cigarettes - but I always rationalized smoking by saying my grandfather smoked till the day he died (at 90 something) and he died from old age.  I had someone - once upon a time - point out that the cigarettes my grandfather smoked were probably pretty much pure tobacco - not full of the chemicals we find today.  BUT I didn't listen - I believed I had good 'genes' and could smoke without fear.

Of course I learned last week - that just isn't true.   And so I made my decision to end this lifetime bad habit......... NOW.  (ok ok - as soon as I can)

When I came to Kingston in July I was smoking an unbelievable pack and half a day.  In September with the urging of my new doctor I made a conscious decision to stop.  Last Thursday when I got the diagnosis of bladder cancer I was smoking 7 cigarettes a day.  AND I was quite pleased with my progress - hell I was so pleased that I had stayed at 7 per day for about 2 months!!! (le sigh)

Now I am back on the wagon - working hard to drop the last 7 without any nicotine patches or fixes.  As of yesterday I was down to 4 1/2  a day.

Then I saw / studied this new poster................

And I was shocked.  I guess I figured once I had stopped, within a month or so my body would be clear of all the toxins.  But if you look closely it takes 5 years - 5 YEARS!!! - to lower the risk of bladder of cancer......... and I couldn't help but think do I  have 5 years???

It made me a little discouraged - but I sucked it up and am fighting on..........


  1. Keep plodding forward , you can win the war of giving them up if you want to. ( we girls can be very stubborn) Seriously though i feel for you, as a non smoker i have never had to fight this war that you are fighting, but i have my own one... a battle against cheese and chocolate and the comfort it brings... and believe me they are just as bad for your health x
    ps having bits about you makes your blog real. x

  2. Altho i (by some miracle) never smoked...i do know how hard it is to quit. You can do this, all the cheekiness of yours...I have confidence you can conquer anything you put your mind to...and really want.
    We will be cheering you on.
    hugs abby

  3. Yes, morningstar, please keep going - one day at a time. Concentrate on the benefits of not smoking today. When I gave up smoking I realised that I was OK as long as I still one "in reserve" - I could have it if I needed it. I carried my last pack around for a month. I kept them in full view in the kitchen for six months. I moved them across the kitchen for another six months. Believe it or not, they are still up in the airing cupboard - and I gave up 29 years ago!!!! It is one of the most difficult things to do - but you CAN do it. Work to your strengths.

    As for the cancer bit - that's one day at a time too - been there, done that too.

    Good luck and bestest of best wishes to you for this bit of your journey.


  4. I'm at 9 1/2 years of being a quitter, and I haven't regretted quitting at all. You'll be amazed at how things will change in your life. You can do this, Lady. We're all pulling for you. :)

  5. I am SORRY there hasn't been the BDSM life you are looking for and it is My fault..


  6. I could not give up without help and have found that the only thing that has ever worked for me is electronic cigarettes. Perhaps not the solution for you but this is day 245 tobacco free for me and I have not had the usual craving to start killing people yet :)

    Use whatever works for you and tell everything else to (censored) off. Good luck and keep up the good work.


  7. Morningstar, you know I join the chorus in supporting you in your journey to stop smoking. You can do it; we have all had our challenges and we just take it one day at a time. You know my feelings, "Never give up, Never give in."

    Hugs, Sharon

  8. Well I am here for you, holding you accountable for giving up your smoking habit. Anytime you need a nudge, just let me know.
    And I think that readers and followers have gone down is because there are soooo many bloggers now in the spanking blogland. I would not take it personally or think that it is because of what you are posting.
    You are in my prayers

  9. I know I rarely ever comment, but I always read. I am praying for you and for a quick recovery for you as you face this next battle. Thank you for this post. I too am trying to quit and found this information very helpful. Love and light to you.

  10. another ex-smoker here... Just wanted to say: I don't think you should focus on whether you have five years or not. I think you're missing the point somewhat there. Instead think of it this way. If you quit now: look at all the stuff that happens before five years - all THOSE problems you won't be adding ontop the battle with cancer in your body. Lets face it, then, the last thing you need is to struggle to breathe fully or to have heart problems, or... you get the idea. You must give your body every chance it has to work against the cancer cells.

    Can I make a suggestion: Try Allen Carr's the easy way to stop smoking? I stopped using that book. It actually recommends you keep smoking as you read. Now... I read fast. That book i got through in 2 hours. and I smoked for that 2 hours. continuously. till I felt sick. went to lie down for a nap, got up, and didn't want to smoke for the rest of the day. once that was past, a lot of it was about breaking habits, and making new ones - think about where and when you habitually smoke and make a concerted effort to change those habits, replacing them with good habits instead. Think about stuff that is good for you and your body, stuff that you DESERVE. Carr talks a lot about the way to approach smoking and I think he's right. Don't think of it in terms of "giving up". think of it in terms of "gaining", of 'deserving better health' because its much more positive, and easier to maintain, especially if you put something good in the place of your smoking.

    I'd echo everyone else here. You can do this!!

  11. Anonymous8:34 am

    One morning I woke up and said, that's it, no more smoking for me. I was smoking about 60 cigarettes a day. I started smoking when I was 14 and gave up 9 years ago at the age of 43.
    TBH I found it easy, as I had the mindset to do it... I wasn't told it would be better for me to give up, or give up etc. I just wanted to do it.
    From the day I gave up, my health went down hill for 4 years. Heart palpitations, 10 month cold and flu, headaches, cough and the list goes on. I was at the doctors at least twice a week, thinking I was dying. The doctor even suggested to me once to take up smoking again to alleviate the issues. (she was 1/2 joking)
    Now 9 years later, ive never felt better, and you will to after giving up.
    Your body is already fighting cancer, and once you alleviate smoking it will give your body more "oomph" to continue fighting.
    Looking at your comments, you have a lot of friends who care about you and love you.
    Don't give up and keep fighting. We all know you can give up the smokes, and fight cancer and come out the other side a healthier and fitter woman.

  12. You can do it just one day at a time. Sure W can devise some suitable incentives to help you too.


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