Best Laid Plans

I had a plan for when I retired and came to Kingston - came to W.  It was a pretty simple plan - I was going to make W happy - I was gonna make his life as easy as possible - I was gonna take care of him.  

It seemed to me - being an outsider looking in - that all W's life - he had sacrificed his joy to take care of family/friends.  He has driven to doctor's appointments - nursed and advocated and cared for family/friends his whole life.  NOW I was gonna be with him - I was gonna take care of him - He wasn't gonna have to be the caregiver anymore (well not to the extremes he had had to his whole life)

And now here I sit the morning of my second biopsy and I can't help but cry - cause he is having to do it again,.... he is having to drive me - to advocate for me - to care for me.  It isn't fair !!  and it makes me angry and sad and a whole mess of other emotions I can't even identify.

And on top of that - I am not even very nice to live with right now.  I don't talk much - I don't want to snuggle - or be a brat - or anything.  I feel like I might shatter and fall apart if anyone so much as touches me.............. this is NOT how I planned things!!  Damn it!!  not how I planned it all!!!

I had great plans.  And now they are but bits of a dream blown away like dust.  AND I want to tell W I am sorry  - and I can't - the words won't come.......... the tears come but not the words.  I am just so sorry.