Saturday, May 01, 2010

Inept social skills

Last evening we had another wonderful discussion about life's little mysteries over dinner and coffee afterwards (yes back here - I did manage to get the house cleaned for company)

The reoccurring theme of our discussions seem to be people's lack of social skills... or maybe their ineptness at asking for what they want.

I find it interesting to hear ( from the Dominant's point of view) how single submissives/bottoms tend to gravitate towards a new Dominant on the scene..... and maybe the older ones as well. How they hover ... and stalk .. and circle around trying to ........... well who really knows for sure what they are "trying" to do. But one assumes they are hoping for an invitation to join the "royal" gathering.

Because yes..... often times at play parties........ the Dominants do tend to be seen as (or act as ) Royals....occasionally acknowledging a few lucky ones.

But what about these "vultures" as they seem to be called?? Why do they hover and stalk and circle. Are their social skills so inept they really don't know how to approach a Dominant??

This behaviour of theirs must be earning them something they want. Because human nature dictates if a behaviour is NOT getting you what you want - you will make an effort to change it. For example - if one of these hovering submissives really doesn't want to engage with the Dominant - but for some reason unknown to the Dominant (or to me either for that matter) their needs are being fulfilled just by hovering......... then they are not going to change that behaviour.

If for some reason unknown to me they feel these Dominants are like gods who walk on water and they are but a lowly worthless submissive - they will not make the first move to speak ...... how can they ?? they aren't worthy enough! So the Dominant does not acknowledge the hovering circling submissives and the behaviour is reinforced - "i am not worthy enough because THEY didn't speak to me"

Some submissives come across as desperate perhaps...... no time for small talk .. no time to get to know a Dominant... their mentality is play with me NOW. i don't think that sort of behaviour is appropriate on any level. BUT at some point this behaviour must have been reinforced - because they are acting the same way over and over again......... they know this will get them what they want.... because someone has reinforced that belief.

IF the Dominants of the world want freedom from hovering submissives/bottoms perhaps a total change of behaviour is needed on both sides of this BDSM fence. Perhaps some instruction is needed on socially acceptable behaviour at play parties. Perhaps each Dominant should carry small business cards with some information on it... it could be their email address..... or simply a suggestion that the submissive attend the next munch - which is a good place to meet and talk and get to know one another. Perhaps one of the submissives IN this "royal" circle could be the official card carrying submissive. (cheeky grin) and they could hand out these "business cards" to the hovering masses.

I don't know what the answer is.. by any stretch of the imagination....... but I do believe until someone starts to take a more positive - pro-active way - of handling the situation nothing is going to change.


swan said...

Well. It does sound like you had and interesting CONVERSATION. I'd say that doing that is the root of meaningful social interaction and a skill that is rapidly vanishing in our culture. Perhaps as we contemplate where our BDSM sub-culture is headed, we need to think about offering classes in how to initiate and sustain conversation?

Hugs, swan

anna said...

This is a little off-topic. I just want to thank you for that quote at the start of this post. It has resonated deeply with me and is very motivational.

Sounds like fun conversation, by the way.

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