i don't know if this problem is exclusive to me.. or if others feel it........ but i have performance anxiety. (not THAT kind of performance anxiety!!!) When Sir and i first met .. we played publically most of the time.. only occasionally playing here at the house. i loved going to the clubs .. getting up on the equipment and flying off with my fairies...........
Over time the clubs around here have come and gone........ there are a few private ones.. but most of them are the kind that swan's Master, Rahereteric, has come to define as s/m - stand and model. The last time Sir and i went to a club here, most of the equipment was draped with fashion statements rather than users. It was next to impossible for Sir to swing a flogger never mind the whip. i believe we caused more than a few folks to gasp and turn away.. and we weren't even playing that hard!!!
So now we play only at home.. and only occasionally have a hard session. (i am NOT complaining.. just stating facts) This summer at camp.. Sir and i watched some scenes that left us breathless. i knew then i wanted more of THAT... of that type of play.. of that type of exhibitionism (and i am NOT an exhibitionist by nature - more by nurture)
In less than 2 weeks we are supposed to be going up to our Nation's Capital for a private party. Basically it can be an "anything goes - leave your "safe sane and consentual" at the door type of party. (we are going as long as the new grandbaby doesn't decide to come that weekend) and i am suffering from performance anxiety. i know i know i should leave it all in Sir's hands....... BUT i want to play hard .. i want it to be a WOW experience for us and for those watching... and i am worried i will wimp out..... i don't know about anyone else.. but when i don't have practice sessions (for lack of a better term) i worry about wimping out.. about blowing my chance to perform....... thus the title performance anxiety.
And as i write this i think to myself .. it sounds like we are "players" and i don't ever want to be JUST a player - someone who dresses the part and plays occasionally and is glad to return to vanilla life...... i am just missing our hard sessions here at home.. i am anxious to raise that bar.. to move things to the next level..... to squeeze in some hard play between the vanilla responsibilities of our lives...... so that i never have to worry about performance anxiety........
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I always -- ALWAYS -- go through this "performance anxiety" thing ahead of playing out in public. For me, it is partly because we get to do it so rarely, partly because, like you, I hate the thought that I might wimp out and appear like "just another player," partly my inability to just let it go and let it be. I never have truly wimped out in actual fact, but I still worry and fuss and rehearse it endlessly. We are, some of us, I think, just like this.
ReplyDeleteI hope, when it comes down to it, that you will get to go, have a glorious time, and feel restored to something very precious and connecting.
swan