Reality

Yesterday W and I went grocery shopping.  I was not prepared for Christmas decorations and Christmas “stuff” to be lining the store shelves.  It was like someone kicked me in the gut.

You see – I have always loved Christmas – always loved the excitement of the new decorations – the buying “stuff” for my family and friends – the decorating the house from top to bottom with lights and greenery and candles and Christmas smells.

I had set some money aside for my usual Christmas shopping sprees.   

Until……….

An old debt had to be paid off, the car needed new tires AND new rims, the cat got sick and other small but necessary bills depleted my bank account.  I have never in my entire life felt so broke as I do now.

AND yes I know I am a helluva lot better off than many.  And I should hang my head in shame.  But I can't.  like a petulant child I want to have the Christmas I am used to.  

BUT my reality is I am on a fixed income now.  I have to tighten my belt.  I have to learn how to tighten my belt.... I haven't had to do that for years and years and years.  

W spoiled me yesterday.  He bought me the garland I was lusting after for the stairs to the bedrooms.. and he bought me the Christmas crackers that have always adorned the Christmas Table for as long as I can remember  And I cried.  W hates Christmas - but quite obviously loves me enough to try and make my first retired Christmas miles away from my family as special as possible.

Maybe it's time for me to remember my all time favourite Christmas show and the ending that goes like this:

Grinch: How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

Narrator: And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

Filters

I had written - early this morning - a wonderful blog (in my humble opinion) - on the need to wear pretty coloured filters when reading blogs/post or just about anything on the net (except of course for my blog!! where pretty coloured filters are never needed !!)

Then I hit the 'publish' button and in a blink of an eye - I sat and watched my whole screen highlight blue and then go poof - in a blink of an eye!!

I tried everything to rescue it.............. 

It was gone.

Now you would think - seeing as I had just written this stellar piece on "filters" I could re-write some sort of facsimile right???

Well you would be wrong.

I remembered the jist of it - but the brilliant words were gone...

I was pissed - mightily pissed.  I went and had a smoke outside in the cold cold November morning.  Nothing came back - in fact the longer I waited for inspiration to hit - the less I remembered of the original piece.

Then I realized - when I write - it is like dumping garbage.  I throw out all the words, thoughts, opinions and personal philosophies and once done they are gone ........

So............... unless I have another moment of inspiration regarding filters and the net - that particular topic seems to be closed. 

Time to go sweep up the scraps of garbage and get on with my day ...........

Sunday Sentiments

Intimacy

I laid on the bed - completely naked - exposed.

He laid a hot cloth over my cunt.  He pressed it tight into my body.. leaving it there for a few moments.

As he removed the cloth - the skin shivered......... the cold air kissing the warm damp skin.

His hands sensually rubbed shaving cream onto the skin - his touch warming me deep inside - making me moan softly.

The razor slid smoothly over my mons - his hands pulling the skin taut - the razor sliding down between the lips. Up and down - back and forth - the razor did it's job -  his hands always touching - prying - pulling.

I lay still - almost holding my breath.

Each little dark curl was removed - slowly and methodically  until there was nothing left and I was more exposed and more vulnerable - more naked.

Intimacy is exposure - touch  and trust... caught in a moment of time.

 

 

The Junkie

It took me 3 days to fully process Saturday's beating.  Three days !!  And the worst part - I wasn't really sure what was going on.............. yeah ME who has been doing this for years couldn't figure it out.... stupid eh???

On Sunday I just wanted to curl up in a tight little ball and not move - not talk - not face the world...my body hurt - every square inch of it hurt... my muscles my bones - hell even my hair hurt.  But it was all deep inside of me - way down deep - where I pushed all those emotions on Saturday.  There wasn't a visible mark on my body that I could point to and say "see that's why it hurts" ... so who would listen ?? who would understand???

Tuesday - well Tuesday was just weird.  We were up before the sun to go downtown and see this taping of the morning news show.  It was dark and I have always hated the dark!!  Evil lurks in the darkness.  I was weaving around people I didn't know - strangers - and I am not particularly fussy on strangers on a good day.  And Tuesday was not a good day !!  There were dark menacing shadows playing in my head.  

I left the crowds and the noise and I walked down to the water's edge.. found a bench and sat looking out to the horizon waiting for the sun to come up...... waiting for some brightness to touch me deep inside - to take away the "bad" feelings that were boiling up ............... feelings I really couldn't describe

And when we finally got home - I felt a deep sadness - which didn't make a whole lot of sense cause we had had fun!!!  going to see the taping was something I really wanted to do !!!  but I couldn't deny it - there it was - that deep sadness that tears my heart in pieces from time to time.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night - I lay very still in bed - in the darkness.  I barely breathed.  I lay still and stiller and stillest.  I quieted my mind.   

And then I thought - I realized - this was just like all those other times when I suffered from sub drop................. but I had been alone all those other times - to face the demons that are sub drop alone.  This time I had W - and I never told him.  I didn't know what I had so how could I have told him???? 

And now it is 5 whole days since the beating and I can feel the cravings starting again.. the need.  My monster.   And just like any junkie I will start the cycle that leads me back to some apparatus on the receiving end of pain............ and I will fly ............ because I am like that...... I have a need - a craving.  I am a junkie.