Overload

There are mornings when I sit with my coffee at the pc before school - and my heart pounds and my mind whirls and spins and buzzes - and I realize I am fast approaching overload.

June is always a bad month........... always....... for as long as I can remember.  I have come to see it as the month of endings.......... and endings are always a bit sad - no matter how natural.

This June is no different....... I have paperwork to finish off (mountains of paper work) I have paperwork to organise and get ready for August (mountains of paper work).  I have kids clinging - wanting every ounce of attention I can give them before they wander off into the great big world for the summer without the security of school....... of the routines.. of me.  I have staff chomping at the bit - wondering if they will have work next year.  I have more openings opening up than there is staff in the whole BOARD (god bless the Board for preparing for all the retirements coming up - NOT)  

Then I have my little school out on the Island that I need to close down.  I need to pack up 20 plus years of teaching in that one little room and get it out (to where god only knows - just get it out) ...... I have paperwork to get done to shut it down forever - and companies to call hoping against hope I will get some sort of refund for closing down early.

And then............ W's had an offer on his house...... it should / maybe / probably will close by the end of next week.  And our dream starts to become a reality.  And my mind is filled with thoughts of finding a new home for both of us - of finding a home with LOTS of room ...... and wondering how in god's name we will combine two houses filled with years of memories into one house without LOTS and LOTS of room.  I look around my lil home and honestly I fill up with tears - all the things that have come through so many stages of life with me....... so many things that I can't imagine living without - and I wonder which ones will be sacrificed for this new life adventure........


This week I sold 6 items that have been with me since my first home...... things that came from Olive's house (those of you who have read here for any length of time have heard about Olive) I sold them to friends - cause I convinced myself that having those family heirlooms go to friends makes it a little easier to say goodbye........ but I lied to myself.  I walk through the house and the holes created by their going bring tears to my eyes......... gone forever..  and there are so many other things that must go......... 


And June marches steadily along to completion and I wonder if I will get to the end - without a meltdown and without pushing the "overload button"

Definitions...

There have been many changes in the BDSM community/lifestyle in all the years I have been in it.  And as with everything some changes have been good .. some not so good .. and some downright confusing.

But I thought I had a pretty good handle on the basics - terminology.  After all terminology is the common thread that sorta/kinda keeps us all on the same page - no??   Terms like Top, bottom, Master, Dominant, submissive, slave.   Words that help explain who and what we are and what we do.  

Obviously there are a whole mess of other "words" that we use .......... and I have felt pretty secure that I understood what they meant.. the good words and the bad words.... 

BUT I must have missed the memo changing the definition of one term..... "breaking a submissive".  In my day that was a very bad thing.  Breaking a submissive meant taking her very soul and tearing it into little bits and scattering them to the four winds.  This was not a good thing.

Yesterday I was reading some blogs and came across one entitled "Breaking Me" on the Monkey's Journey.  I get what she meant by the term (at least I think I do) she was referring to having her limits pushed beyond her comfort zone.  BUT my concern came when I realized she was defining a term for a relative newbie.  

That is a big problem in my opinion - newbies looking for and asking for definitions (and more) from blogs.  How do you know (as a newbie) that you have received the correct information.  Perhaps you have only received that one person's opinion.  

Even here on The Journey - some days I write with great authority - and afterwards worry that someone is going to take my words to be the ABSOLUTE truth.  Not so!!  It is the absolute truth for ME.  and W.  They shouldn't be the ABSOLUTE truth for anyone else.

Example - what if warm up for W and I involved knives and cutting and then needles and piercing and I said that it is the only way to do a warm up.... for everyone.  Excuse me??!!  There are a whole mess of folks who won't even watch knife play and needle play - now what happens?? Do they land up feeling they are doing it all wrong??? based on my words??? good lord!!! 

I have no problem with monkey saying she is being broken by her Dominant - none whatsoever - as that is what it feels like to her..........I do have a problem with the term "broken" being used to describe pushing limits to newbies.  How scary is that??? For most people something that is broken - is just that BROKEN.  As broken as the chain at the top of this entry.  It can't be fixed.  


Something that can't be fixed is very scary to me.......... especially when we are talking about people....... and their psyches.  I had to comment on the monkey's blog... I thought  I did it gently and diplomatically (though admittedly I am not known for my diplomatic skills) I worry about newbies - I worry period about anyone basing their knowledge on a blog........... yes even mine !!!

So I am not here to say "broken" is a good thing OR a bad thing......... cause ya know that would defeat the purpose of my "preaching" this morning.  I AM saying to the newbies - or even to those not too clear on the principal - to read and read and read some more - get many definitions - get many opinions......... then form your own.  Educate yourself - protect yourself - and rely on your gut instincts for what is right for you and what is wrong.

Play Time

W and I had plans for the weekend.  He was going to come over and get me and bring me back to his place and we were gonna organize all the stuff for his garage sale which is next weekend.

However Saturday morning I was dragging my ass a little bit.... just feeling like my battery had no charge whatsoever.  Then W's emails sounded a bit the same ....... so W decided that he would come over and take me out for lunch - then we would veg out together for the afternoon.

At some point mid afternoon I guess - W got up and said he wanted to play.  All I could think was - "damn I just don't have the energy to take a beating" but beating was not what W meant.

He went upstairs and found my hitachi..... my favourite - 'oh my god orgasm' - vibrator.  

However he did not bring down the attachments - and I always use the attachments. I mentioned to W that he "forgot" the attachments - but he just smiled and turned it on.


At the first sound of the whirring motor my pussy started twitching.  Talk about Pavlov's conditioning!!!!


I was on the lazy boy chair - with it tilted back - offering easy access to W and the hitachi.  Suddenly I started having fits of giggles.......... ya know how I have always said you can't spank yourself - can't give yourself the right amount of pain cause you will stop reflexively first???   know how I have always said that there has to be an element of the unknown in playing?? but when you do it yourself you KNOW what's coming next??   

Well it was the same thing with the hitachi.......... when I use it on myself I will move it off the tender bits when it gets too intense.. or I will adjust the speed - or lift it off completely for a breather ........... Well the giggles hit when I realized that W had no intention of pleasing me in the shortest time possible and stopping,  OH NO.. W had every intention of playing.......... and in our definition play = pain.


W concentrated all his energies on my clit jewelry - focusing the high speed spinning vibrating head of the hitachi on the jewelry - or lifting the jewelry and sliding the head just underneath to cause the most intense sensations on the most sensitive bits.

I was becoming a bit frantic - the sensations were so intense - to the point of being painful - and knowing that I never cum only from clit stimulation ......... Then I felt it - a tightening in my belly - not a big one - but  before I knew it the orgasm had washed over my body.  Just a small one - but it relaxed my body enough to get into this play time with W.

After 3 or 4 more little ones - W had me "eating out of his hand" so to speak - I didn't care what he did or how.. I was right there with him.  And then suddenly - without any warning or tightening - nothing - an earth shattering orgasm hit..... full blown - squirting - shaking orgasm......... and I collapsed back into the chair ............ exhausted spent and smiling.

I do like W's "play time"!!!

Sunday Sentiments

Boot Blacking

Over the years of being in BDSM I have heard many times the phrase "Boot Blacking".  I have seen workshops offered on it... I have heard of submissives/slaves listing off the joys of Boot Blacking - I have even heard of competitions for Boot Blacking.


I often wondered what all the fuss was about.


When I was growing up my father used to polish his black leather shoes every Saturday night - before the hockey game - to get them ready for church the following morning - and for work the following week.  When I was old enough he started to teach me how to "polish shoes" .......... because in my day we wore black oxford shoes to school and they had to be polished/shined every Saturday night - in preparation for school for the following week.


For years (well for 5 years) every Saturday night I would polish my black oxfords beside my father.  He would watch how/what I was doing and correct me if I did something wrong.  He would point out areas I missed.  I remember once when I decided I would (god only knows why) polish the bottoms of my shoes!! I learned a fast lesson on the evils of shoe polish all over my mother's hard wood floors.

Polishing shoes - to me - was just another chore that had to be done.  So when my girls came along and went into white leather baby boots - they got polished every Saturday night along with any boots that needed polishing.  Some times the kitchen counter would be covered with various pairs of shoes/boots waiting to be done.

Fast forward - the girls stopped wearing leather shoes - and the boots would be polished once or twice a season and coated with some waxy stuff that prevented the salt from eating away at them........... and Saturday night shoe polishing became a thing of the past.

So honestly I wondered what all the hoopla over Boot Blacking was about...... seemed to me - unless there was some kinky stuff - like bondage or spankings thrown in - it was all just a regular shoe polishing with a fancy title.


A year or so ago W bought himself a kilt - a utility kilt.  They are / were all the rage for Dominants.  And to be honest I love to see W in his kilt.  The only problem was - he really didn't have appropriate shoes to wear with his kilt.  I kept thinking a nice ankle high black leather boot would look amazing.  


The last time we were in Kingston - we wandered down the main street - popping into shops - checking stuff out.  Lo and behold didn't Kingston have an army surplus shop.  (Now that shouldn't be a big surprise as Kingston is a military town) W found a really nice pair of ankle high black leather boots for an excellent price.  And a week or two later the shoes showed up here with shoe polish and brushes for polishing.  


The bag with the shoes has sat on the kitchen floor since then.  Every once in a while I will hear the bag rustling as my miss ashes climbs in, sticks her head into the leather shoes and purrs madly.  (miss ashes has a serious shoe/leather fetish) 


This morning I decided I would polish up the boots.  See if I got any different feeling from polishing now that I was officially "boot blacking".  I spread the polish and worked it in - getting polish all over my hands / arms and the kitchen counter.  (now I remember why the Saturday night polishing was done in my father's workshop in the basement) 


Then I polished.......... and wondered if I should really actually spit on them so I could say they were "spit and polished" but decided against it - as a lady never spits!  The boots are done and sitting waiting to go back to W's ............. the kitchen counters are cleaned up - my hands and arms are scrubbed clean of polish............ 

AND....... 


I am here to report that Boot Blacking - is - in my humble opinion - absolutely no different from polishing shoes!  I guess it just sounds sexier saying "boot blacking".