Nemesis

This appears to be my nemesis this weekend..........





The routine is.. hit till i cry... stop... hug and stroke...go do laundry... hit till i cry .. hug and stroke.. check laundry ..

Do it all again............

Your Mind on drugs..

i really am not sure what has got me on a safety first theme these days....... perhaps it is the re-reading of On The Safe Edge - in preparation for a book review - that has me thinking all about safety and past experiences..

Once a while back.... i was with a Mistress... and ok i admit here for one and all to see... i am a bit naive (ok ok !!! a lot naive) ...... i never realized in the year or so i played with her that she regularly took uppers and downers and other drugs to enhance her BDSM experience. i do know that i have never ever played with anyone who played as hard or as long with little or no thought to me - until it was all over. (thank god i was/am a masochist - cause i could take 99% of what she doled out) It was only after the fact that 'friends' told me she was a regular drug user.

i am thinking it was probably my experience with her that made me very leery of playing with anyone who had to use drugs to enhance the BDSM experience. i remember a submissive who always - and i do mean ALWAYS - smoked up before going out to play ...... as she put it.. she wanted to be half way there before the whooping started.

The worst scene i ever had ....... a few years ago........ was at a private play party. At private parties it is not unheard of for Sir to invite other Doms to play with me. It is something i rather enjoy. But at this particular party, i was in the kitchen with a couple of female Dommes and a couple of other submissives...... and i watched as they all toked up. They even offered it to me. i remember just shaking my head no and being a little - no - a lot!! uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Later on in the evening the two female Dommes wanted to play with me. Sir (who probably wasn't all that aware that they had smoked up ) offered my ass to them. i quickly requested that the play happen right there .. in the middle of the party... with lots of people witnessing it. NOT because i was feeling particularly exhibitionist but because i was feeling very uneasy about 2 high Dommes swinging anything against my ass.

It was - to put it mildly - one of the worst scenes i have ever encountered. No matter how hard they hit.. i could not let go and fly....... i held on with every ounce of determination i had to reality .. cause they scared the hell out of me. Afterwards Sir and i had a long talk ... and He promised i would never have to play with someone who was under the influence of anything !!

Now.. booping around the net... i am reading more and more about something called "poppers" being used to enhance kinky sex scenes.

i tended to read and feel sorry for them that they needed something to enhance an orgasm that for me is soooooo damn good i can't imagine anything making it any better.. nor do i wish to try.

However ....... in this book On the Safe Edge ... i read about poppers. Honestly i didn't have a clue what they were........ but i do now.

The book says: "The effects generally last only a few minutes and include sharp decreased blood pressure, dizziness, and increased body temperature.

Because of their strong dilating abilities, the volatile nitrities are dangerous when used by people with low blood pressure. The after effects include headaches, imparied breathing, and, in some cases heart attack."

WOW !! a simple orgasm isn't enough anymore?? Naturally released endorphins aren't enough anymore??

i don't know folks........ maybe i am just getting old.... (cause there was a time back in the day - when i would toke up with the best of them) but i found my thrill - and not on Blueberry Hill - but at the end of a flogger or whip........... why is it so many need some extra thrill?? some extra danger??

When you or your Dominant is flying high on some chemical stimulant no one is capable of really knowing what is going on.......... to your body.. to your mind........

So thank you but no thank you........ i think i will stick to my good old naturally produced endorphins to find my thrills..........

Old wives tales???

Sir and i are scheduled to go and see a movie this Saturday afternoon......... and last night He made a comment about my wearing clamps on my pussy during the movie..........

What initially hit me over that command was a sadness that i have not lost enough weight yet to get back into my skirts or dresses - clamps and slacks just don't work.

Then this morning while i was drinking my coffee .. i was remembering all the warnings i heard when i was first starting off in this lifestyle.......

like..........

* one should NEVER wear clamps on any part of the body for more than 15 minutes at a time.. then they should be removed .. the blood allowed to flow back for 15 minutes at least before putting the clamps back on........

* one should never insert needles into breast tissue as you run the risk of damaging said tissue and causing cancer cells to form

* one should never bind breasts so tightly that they turn purple - because of the risk of damage to the breast tissue and/or blood clots

* one should never bind the wrists so tight that the hands become blue .... if it should happen then the bindings should be removed immediately.

And on and on the list went.........

In the beginning all these warnings didn't stop me from doing everything... and enjoying it.......... about the only warning that worried me and did stop me .. was the warning about hitting near the spine.. the base of the neck .. and the kidneys...

BUT now i find i am becoming a worry wart............ and yeah yeah i know i should trust Sir to make the right decisions...

BUT .... truthfully here folks .. He isn't a medical doctor.. and in fact most of the warnings weren't written by medical folks...

So ........ are they old wives tales ?? or sincere warnings??

i have taken more than one First Responder's course .. St John's Ambulance course.... and back in the days when we were being taught to use tourniquets we were lectured over and over about making sure we released the pressure every 15 minutes to allow blood flow........ so maybe there is some truth behind the releasing clamps every 15 minutes to prevent blood clots??

i do know i have a growth - a cyst - on the back of my left hand. When i asked the doctor what it was and how i got it... she responded with "you must have banged the back of your hand very hard.. or somehow stressed the tendon in that hand, causing the cyst to grow."

Well it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what i had done........ Sir would bind my wrists to the chains in the ceiling and a scene would start..... if the scene went well (by my standards) i would virtually be hanging by my wrists....... sometimes even dropping suddenly jerking the hands/wrists........ so there ya have it.. severe stress to the tendons in the hand.......... and the resulting cyst that will one day have to be removed.

So ......... getting back to clamps and things..... old wives tales??? or truth??

And what's to be done about it.......... 15 minutes in clamps never feels all that long......... does one roll the dice and go for it?? throw caution to the wind?? or does one err on the side of caution???

It is weird .. the older i get .. the more i want to err on the side of caution.. and the more i bemoan the loss of youth....... and daring adventure......

Memories.

It was 15 years ago today that my mother died.


Despite everything i have gone through .. during her illness.. and immediately following her death........ i felt for some reason ... that this year.. i had to acknowledge her ...........





Rest in peace mom.

Green eyed monster

i am not entirely sure what got me going the other day......... about being a sex slave.. some blog i read.. or some article.. or some book........ But it has been playing on my mind a bit (ok ok a lot!!)

i have always had a little fantasy about being a sex slave - not to many - but to one. i always day dreamed about how exciting it would be to be used and abused .. constantly.. all the time.. every day.

i used to think that when Sir and i had time alone... without outside influences that it would happen...... i daydreamed about going to BDSM camp cause well if you can't be a sex slave at BDSM camp where can you be one???!! i even brought vibrators and dildos the first time we went. BUT it didn't happen.

As time has passed... that fantasy has dwindled i guess. i think about it less and less.... and the wanting has dwindled.

Until the other day when i read whatever it was that i read about being a sex slave and whooooooosh the feelings were back.

Then to add insult to injury i read a couple of blogs that talked about how much sex they were enjoying/getting......... and god forgive me but i had a little attack of the green eyed monster.

Today i did some major rationalizing........ slapped myself upside the head a couple of times.. and thought about something i had read on kaya's blog. She was talking about being under the desk. Now for those of you who don't read kaya and don't know about "under the desk".. i will explain......... when her Master is horny and reading porn/looking at porn.. He throws her under the desk.. between His legs.. and fucks her while He reads/looks.

i have always thought how wonderful that would be....... to be fucked senseless with no lovey dovey stuff.......... until kaya talked about how boring it can be.... and how she wishes she could take a book with her when she goes "under the desk" .

Whoa........ a book?? and i caught myself thinking... 'damn girl you don't know how lucky you are...... to be used and abused at His will'........... BUT then i realized.. maybe too much of a good thing is indeed boring !! and maybe i would be moaning for a book too........

So i am trying to stuff the green eyed monster back where he belongs.. buried deep inside .. behind all the other crap that doesn't need to be looked at constantly and moaned over...

i am trying................