Let's talk about........

In a D/s.. M/s... BDSM... relationship we have contracts, we have rules, we have protocols. i believe - NO i know - we need rules of engagement!!!

First let's define the term..........
"rules of engagement determine when, where, and how force shall be used."

Now this makes perfect sense........

So if i am curled up all snuggly and comfy ... it is not fair to "engage".

So if i am getting ready for a vanilla event - even if it is just mentally preparing myself - it is not fair to "engage" in any form of force..........

So if i am curled up in the living room - it is not fair to "engage" in a vanilla room

So if i am preparing to go out - it is not fair to "engage" when time is short.

AND for the most important part of "rules of engagement" .... the HOW.

It is not fair to "engage" in pinching or slapping or cropping or otherwise attacking the soft gentle skin found on the inside of the thighs...even if it leaves bruises !!

It is not fair to attack the soft spot just beneath the ass cheeks...even if it has the sub doing a subbie jig...

It is not fair to whoop or whip or start any session without a nice sensual warm up

It is not fair to ambush during the making of a meal - during the clean up of a meal - during bed making - laundry or any other house hold chore.

And if all Dominants follows the rules of engagement then they might just get a smart salute and a confident "YES SIR ....... NO SIR........ 3 BAGS FULL SIR !"

thick skinned..

The comment has been made - several times actually - that i need to be more thick skinned. My new principal has said more than once "if you were more thick skinned" .. but has come to admit i am who i am and growing thick skin would probably change the essence of who i am...

Sir has said (in a different way - but meaning basically the same thing ) that i should be thicker skinned... and i think from time to time He gets frustrated by my lack of interest or ability in growing a thicker skin...

yes i know i do react too easily to outside influences... i do react to screaming/angry parents.. i do react to screaming/angry employees... to drama inducing subbies.....i do react to salespeople and workers and .. well you get the picture.. i react to other people way too much!!!

Sir has tried so hard.. so many times over the 7+ years to toughen me up.. to give me strategies to handle these situations... He has even ordered me to do things..... i try honest i do!!! BUT they don't work - they just aren't me!!!

Now selkie had a theory - in her blog about conditioning and training that made sense to me... IF a slave/sub wants unconsciously to have a certain attribute (shall we say) then her Dominant will be able to train/condition her to perform or exhibit that attribute. (Have i lost you all yet??)

Good example.. my going naked. i couldn't do it.. at all... not even alone in the house .. when i met Sir.... Sir trained me to go naked in the house - alone... and then to strip in front of Him.. and then to strip in front of others..........and i was proud of my acquiescing to His demands - BUT what if i couldn't .... physically could not - come to terms with being naked... would it have happened?? nope probably not.. .Much like Sir's trying to condition me/ train me to do anal play - we have tried and tried and tried.. but there is always something that locks down the body / mind .......

Is it safe for Sir to push.. or any Dominant that is .. to push that lock down of mind and body?? selkie is right when she says it could conceivably cause serious damage to the pysche of the sub..... and does anyone actually want to do that????

ok.. so back to my not being thick skinned....... can someone train me.. condition me.. threaten me.. enough to make me thick skinned??? i honestly and truly doubt it.. because innately it is NOT who i am.....

OH i have learned steps to take to cope better with these outbursts from outsiders... but they still take their toll on me.. Yesterday is a good example.. outburst from employee - i didn't react.. i stayed calm .. dealt with it.... and when it was over.. picked up the phone called Sir..
NOT for reassurances.. not for advice.. just to hear a sane person's voice.. cause outburts are not based on sanity - trust me!!! and non-sane moments tear me into shreds.. in fact.. i find they can be contagious if one is surrounded by these non-sane outbursts regularily

IF i can protect myself from being around non-sane outbursts.. and from drama filled lives then i am gonna do just that! And i think Sir understands this. In itself.. that declaration on my part to remove as much drama .. as many drama creating people from my life as possible... has made me stronger .... not thicker skinned no... but definitely feeling like i am ok... definitely lowering the blips on my emotional radar.. definitely making me OK.

And yeah .. i suppose one could argue that my not learning.. my not following Sir's advice and training .. is very unsub like... makes me a bad sub .. and definitely not a slave......

BUT ya know what?? i like not being thick skinned.. i would rather set up (or have Sir set up) some boundaries to protect me from the outside dramatic forces that drag me down.. and make me feel just a little crazy......... i like that i can create... and have Sir enforce a "no drama " zone around me....... so i can stay just the way i am...

fact or fiction

i started this entry on fact or fiction ....... and had planned out a nice essay on slavery...........i have started it (for the record) 4 times now... and erased it. If you want to read a really good, thought provoking, essay on BDSM slavery - conditioning and training may i suggest you trot over to selkie's blog.

Right now.. right this very moment .... there has been a small eruption here in the Great White North.... and it has me thinking.......

i went to bed last night.. and lay in the darkness - no radio softly lulling me to sleep.. no television quietly playing out in the background. i lay in the quiet stillness of the night and thought about slavery and submission... i thought about me.... and how /where i fit into this equation or even if i do.

Ya see .. a major event happened yesterday in Sir's life. i knew it was going to.. have seen it coming for some weeks now.

Back in August '08 on this blog.. i announced that Sir had a new "subbie" (though i wasn't sure that was the right word and settled on "trainee") The relationship between the two of them didn't last all that long (i take a huge amount of the blame for that).......but they have been chatting via emails and facebook again...... and i saw it coming.

i was good last night.. when i was chatting with Sir.. i didn't ask if He had met up with her.... and for the most part i was able to forget they had tentative plans to meet up.

Just before i logged off for the evening, Sir announced that they had met up.. and He had whooped her ass. He added that she is now willing to accept a beating from me.

And it was as though i had planned out my reaction to this non-event - without even knowing it. i calmly and quietly told Sir that i was worried about "my" toys that are at His house being used on her....... and "my" ropes. (the ropes bring back a nightmare from a time long past....... when Sir arrived here at the condo - handing me the ropes He had used to tie up another submissive and told me to wash them. They were soaked in her menstrual blood. i vowed NEVER again!! )

i quietly told Him that i thought it would be best if He played with her at her house or His house.. but not here.. not in front of me.... to keep me out of this equation totally this time.

In this new turn of events .. the only thing i am even slightly concerned about is that "my" toys and "my" ropes not be used. To me.. weird as this sounds........ they are a bond between Sir and i ... and i would like it very much if that wasn't broken.

i figure let her figure out how to make toys - the same way i did in the beginning.. or let her buy Sir toys to use on her.. the same way i did in the beginning....... let her find her own bond to Sir...

And as i lay there in the dark of the bedroom last night.... i realized i don't much care one way or the other if the two of them play together... there wasn't even a small blip on my emotional scale......... i wish the two of them much success at playing....... and i remembered i even told Sir (as a good sub / slave am i even allowed to suggest such ideas??!!) that "wendy darling" can take over cleaning His house... weekly.

So am i a sub or slave...... or is it all some fictional delusion i am suffering from??

The little black book

Sometimes i am amazed how simple things can have a dark and evil side......

Take the lil black book in today's picture...........it appears to be a simple black book... THE lil black book of phone numbers of potential "hot dates" for some gentleman.... or some notebook for writing down "stuff"....... or maybe even for taking notes in class.

BUT what if .... in reality .... it was a lil black book of names............ names that were blacklisted??? Not so simple anymore is it???

A few years back - i organised and headed up a subbie group here in the Great White North...... (yeah yeah i know i have already told you that - but bear with me here)........... The purpose of the group was a "safe haven" for submissives and slaves alike to come together and bitch and talk and praise and help and support each other. The idea was a good one - on paper. It was a good one for probably a year or so...........

Then someone came up with a plan to protect innocent newbie subs.. scratch out newbie.. add ALL subs. The cry went up "let's make a list of BAD doms"........ and it spread like wild fire. Everyone wanted a list of BAD DOMS...Beware of Doms.... Nasty - throw their Asses in Jail Doms.

The problem with black listing Doms (or subs for that matter - cause i believe if you are gonna do one.. you have to do both.. cause yes yes .. believe it or not .. there are bad subs out there too.) is finding the one person who has no axe to grind to make this list - our Diogenes of sorts - looking for an honest man.

Oh these subs were nothing if not persistent.. they wanted this list. i bowed out... after stating my opinion of our need for a Diogenes. Because in my mind.. this blacklist was gonna be built on rumours and opinions and a sort of popularity poll.

Before i backed out...... i did give them something to think about. i told them a story of a sub who had come to Sir and i, lodging a complaint against a Dom we knew.......... saying he had been abusive. i asked for examples of this abuse (because quite truthfully i couldn't see it in this Dom - but then i am more than a little naive ) She said when he bound her in ropes for some bondage .. they were too tight. He could only put two fingers between her skin and the rope. (i thought of all the times Sir had bound me with no room for any fingers never mind two!!) i asked if she had "called her safe word" and what had happened. Well she explained when she did use her safe word he tried to explain it wasn't that tight......... but yes she admitted he did remove the ropes almost immediately.

A few months later this same sub came to me and complained of yet another Dom who was beating her too hard. She had BRUISES from the beating. i asked what he used and where were these bruises. She said he had used a cane and the bruises were on her ass. i asked (though jealous of her bruises) if she had used her safe word and what had happened... and she said yes she had used her safe word and he had stopped immediately............ AND...... he decided they weren't suited to one another and shouldn't play again. (she even pouted at that)

It seemed this sub had a list of Doms who were dangerous and should be blacklisted.

And i thought Sir could land up on that list too.. because one evening at a public play party a Dom interferred with a scene we were having.. He stopped Sir and said "You have nothing to prove - stop hitting her so hard".......
(you should have seen me stamp my foot at that comment!! that man needed to review the definition of a masochist!! )

The lil blacklist of DD's (dangerous doms) never came into existence - per say. BUT there are lists....... in people's minds. And those lists are spread via gossipy .. run off at the mouth subbies......... whispering warnings and did you hears into other people's ears... watching as the word travels like ripples in a pond.. spreading ever outward.

i guess one should feel some sympathy for a person who has nothing better to do with their time but spread nasty evil rumours.... or feel sorry for someone who has such low self esteem that they try to bring others down to their level.

i don't feel either... sympathy or empathy. Seems to me.. in my warped lil mind these are the people who should be put on some sort of blacklist.. some sort of warning should be tattooed to their foreheads.. " i spread gossip and rumours" just to save us all from getting worked up over nothing....... and most importantly to protect the victims of their vicious gossip and rumours.

i say we should burn all black books real or imagined and just let people learn for themselves........... and as for the gossips and rumour mongers let's push them outside the city walls and leave them to the wild beasts!

cranky......

just plain cranky!

And i have no idea why..... but god i HATE cranky

i did realize that the internet is a blessing when one has a big dose of the "cranks".. because when i talk to Sir via chat... even with the camera on.. i can mask the crankiness. BUT last night Sir was going out for the evening.. and He called me to check up on me... and how the day went. i couldn't keep the crankiness out of my voice........(shame on me)

i am overwhelmed...... i honestly am. Things at work are frantic - 40 days till the end of the year..... and all the usual crap to get done before July 1st. i put in 8+ hours at school and then come home to work here... paperwork for my PreK group (which is a GO for next year!!) .... the house to clean.. the laundry to do.. and windows that need washing... and gardens that need digging.... and there just aren't enough hours in the day........ and i can feel the panic settling in.

It's funny - when i used to get the "cranks" i knew if i had a good long session of spanking and flogging and fairies... the "cranks" would improve. This time i can't even think about it........ Sir even granted me an orgasm last night.. and i barely managed it. The body just wasn't willing..... and the mind sure as hell wasn't able.

i got the "cranks"

Sooooooo if i miss a day or two around here.. it doesn't mean much....... just me struggling to keep my head above water............