Friday, October 07, 2016

Poly Lessons Learned

For the last year or so I have read just about everything I could find on poly relationships.  There have been two rather good writings on Fetlife.  I read both of them.  One was about doing it when you have a primary partner and the other was how to do poly when you don't have a primary partner.

Then I have been talking to a Dominate friend.  And explaining "our" poly.  He hinted it would be difficult to make it work.  

That's what I have been reading -- how hard it is to make it work.

All the advice I have read -- all the articles I have read -- all the poly relationships I have seen have taught me one thing -- there is no secret formula for making poly work.  YOU make it work -- whatever way suits you and your partners.

I know we seem to have a formula that works for us.  We all talk together - we all socialize together - my hope/goal is that no one feels left out.  I tend to tell CG what my needs are before I tell Hands.  I think I do that for a couple of reasons -- CG gets "needs/wants" from a logical place.  Hands might get them more from an emotional place -- 'she needs/wants' how do I fix this'? place.  CG is more pragmatic.

AND the one thing that is making this work for me is that I am very happy being in 2nd place.  I don't want full time -- or am even looking for forever (though forever this way would be nice).   Maybe it's because I have come of age so to speak and am not looking for some 'fairy tale' romance.  

All the suggestions you find / read / get on how to make poly work really doesn't mean a thing.  What does mean something is finding good people who welcome you with open arms.  Who treat you with respect. Where the relationship doesn't feel like 'work' but more like a good fit. Where you feel like you have come home.

I feel like I have come home!   


  1. It is hard to make all relationships work all of the time. Poly relationships are a more complex type of relationship than one involving 2 people, and everyone brings their own world view, their beliefs and their past baggage. The key to success in any relationship IMHO is communication. It is about being open, talking and listening to each other. Where there are 3 people that takes more effort. I think that relationship guides, just like other 'how to' books and websites have their limitations. Nothing can replace real life.

    Sounds like you are doing a grand job with or without the guide book!

  2. Julie

    Communication is very important!! I learned that lesson the hard way with W. The interesting thing (for me anyway) is that CG and I were friends going way back -- Hands is sort of - kind of - a new addition. CG was the one who encouraged (pushed??) me to approach Hands.

    We - all 3 of us - spend probably more time in vanilla circumstances just talking -- solving world peace and hunger (grinning)and discovering how similar we are -- especially CG and myself. And all 3 of us have very similar philosophies on this BDSM thing -- and the poly thing just seems to have happened...... smoothed out and started humming along almost on it's own.

    Not everyone is lucky enough to find 'friends' to form a poly relationship with -- that's why I keep saying how lucky I am. :)


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