Embarrassed

I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks feeling embarrassed.  Most people see me as this 'proper' woman.  (dare I say 'proper older woman'?)

For the most part I am sexually naive -- and probably a bit boring.

BUT there is a part of me that has wondered for years if I might be missing something.  

Way back at the beginning with Hands -- he asked me if I ever watched porn -- and I gasped 'of course not!' (though I admitted I did read some erotica)

He would occasionally send me porn type gifs.  At first I admit they made me blush -- and fidget.  Then I started to search them out for myself and if something struck me as personally appealing I would from time to time share them with him.

He would make positive comments about the pics I sent him -- and didn't seem to think less of me.  My confidence grew...... and it helped that no bolt of lightening came out of the skies to strike me dead.

I grew more daring.... started collecting pics / gifs of acts that aroused me -- that were the starting points for some pretty hot fantasies (well 'hot' for me) 

Then one day I was feeling more than a little daring -- and sent him a couple of 'inappropriate' pics ...... I waited for a comment from him and nothing came.  So I finally asked him what he thought -- if I had shocked him.... his answer was "shocked ....... no maybe surprised" 

I thought I would die.  And questioned myself over and over why I had done something like that??!!!  and promised myself I would never do that again!

BUT then I am not known for learning a lesson quickly.

The other day during a chat with Hands one where he shared a gif with me I took a big breath and sent him one of something I find very hot.... a fantasy -- 
His response seemed cool -- though it's difficult to tell from the written word -- but it felt cool.  

AND because I am ME -- I overthought the whole thing.... and wished I could climb into a hole and pull the top in over me.  I started to stuff this new side of me deep down inside.

Believe it or not I deleted all the pics I was storing -- I am embarrassed ...... dreadfully so.  And I wonder if I am turning into one of 'those women' I have always sworn I wouldn't become ..... the 'bad girls' ..... 

My enthusiasm can sometimes be a very bad thing.