Learning .........

Maybe the title should be "Learning to remember to title the damn blog entry" 
Ahhh well - it's done now... 

I was sitting here this morning - sipping my coffee - trying to jump start my brain - answering emails - and thinking about a blog post............. when this vaporous thought floated through my consciousness.  

When I was relatively new to this job - I spent a good part of the month of February taking "Professional Development" courses.  Some were government ordered - others were interest driven.  But over the years the courses offered have dwindled down to next to nothing - and the few that are offered are ones I know inside out and upside down......... like computer courses.

About a month ago I received an email about a course being offered entitled "Play It Fair" - a course on how to help children play fair - play without bullying - play by the rules - play without discrimination - play cooperatively.  I decided I wanted to go........ except to be able to go one had to jump through a whole mess of hoops.  

Well I have spent the last couple of weeks jumping through all those hoops (the worst one being convincing my principal she can actually survive without me in the building for a whole day !!) The course is this Wednesday (oh my god - that's tomorrow!!) And I am excited to be going.......... nothing like challenging the brain during 'hibernation' season to feel energized !!!

Then - believe it or not - I found a course (or maybe it really was W who found it) on FetLife.  It is in February too....... and being offered in our Nation's Capital (which makes this course rather iffy - due to a 2 hour drive in winter weather - and we could conceivably have a winter storm which means no driving to the Capital) ANYWAY ...... for now I refuse to stress over the weather........... 

The course is on protocols and power exchange - and protocols for serving high tea and protocol dinners.  We know the two couples offering the course - and i find them down to earth "real" people.  Yesterday I realized I would love to go and hear what they have to say on the whole topic.  

The ones who are Big "Ds" as they put it .. will meet in a separate room from those of us who are small "s's" and then after 2 hours of talking and sharing the small "s's" will perform a tea service for the Big "Ds". 

There is a huge part of me that misses the whole protocol thingy....... and I am honestly hoping they will have some answers as to how one incorporates protocols and power exchange into the real world - the very real world - where families and work and health issues abound.  AND - when one has two bad knees how one kneels gracefully...... or perhaps they have an idea for something that we can use in place of kneeling.

 I am also hoping they will give us some clues on how to deal with the large majority of the BDSM community who don't believe in the need for - or the use of - protocols.  Because trust me - when you are the only one doing something in a crowd - you feel awkward and ............ yeah and sometimes you can land up being bullied ....... that's exactly what it feels like - bullying !!! 

So maybe just maybe - my month of February will be filled with learning...... and fun...... and the longest month of the winter (especially this year cause February has 29 days!!) will fly by filled with interesting challenging activities !!!

Civilized

Civilized is what the birthday party was on Saturday........ thanks to Mother Nature.  Ya see we had a mess of freezing rain on Friday...... and by late Friday night the Island had cancelled the Winterfest and shut down the sliding hills.  (see me do the dance of joy??)
So the toboggan birthday party became terribly civilized and was "cake and coffee and presents" only.

Behind the scenes things were not all that civilized though........... Youngest daughter had made the birthday cake on Friday night and left it to cool on the kitchen table.  Sometime Saturday morning - the 2 year old monster angel found the cake......... and well ya know.. it was just sitting there calling to him..............

Youngest daughter worked her cake decorating skills and turned the above mess into this...........

 no one even thought about the baby slobber which just added a touch of love to the cake......


However PigPen declared "it was the most awful day ever!!" and sulked a little bit when he was told we wouldn't be going sliding....... but the promise of an extra piece of cake and a visit from his distant cousin saved the afternoon.

We played party games too !!! (sort of) The kids had playing cards of "Where is Waldo" so granny got involved in a rip roaring game of trying to find Waldo ....... my partner was the 2 year old monster  angel....... 

 just tell me that's not the face of a monster angel

and we had good laughs trying to find the "guy in the red sweater" especially when there were cards with loads of red sweater wearing guys. 

After much laughter and hooting and hollering ... and cake and cake crumbs everywhere... Eldest daughter and I headed back home......... each to have a quiet evening in our separate houses.

Yeah I will admit I felt a little lonely........... but I do have my eye on the 4th of February and the planned play party ...............  

~~~~~~~~~~~

And for those of you keeping track of my accounting skills - or lack of.......

I spent a few hours this past weekend working on the books.  I was trying to reconcile the books and of course - true to form - it wouldn't reconcile.  HOWEVER......... I did find the problem this time...... opening balance was wrong - which didn't make sense as my bookkeeper did the last reconciliation and it reconciled for her......... 

Then - after a few hours of panic and self loathing......... the light bulb went off.  This program is mostly (about 99%) just so I can keep track of my expenses and income.  The payroll is fine - set up and running right - which is the bit the government looks at.... the rest ..shrug .. as long as I keep all my receipts that is all the governments care about.

So I went back to the reconciliation - figured out what I was out by........ made an "ask my accountant" entry for the amount...... and reconciled with my bank statement.  YAY !!

ok it may not be a huge victory for anyone who understands math and bookkeeping ........but it was a HUGE victory for me... I am no longer scared of the damn program - or my seemingly ineptitude with it.  Next month should (fingers crossed) go much better......... 

Anger no more

I have always ....... ALWAYS........ had trouble with people who lie to me... or try to trick me... or talk about me behind my back..... in other words - people who make me angry.

My mother used to tell me over and over "don't put yourself on their level"...... 
My grandmother used to tell me - "they will get what's coming to them ....... you may not be there to see it - but trust me - they WILL get what's coming to them"

But still I allowed people to anger me........ to upset me..... even when these mean spirited people did get what was coming to them.. even when I KNEW they got what was coming to them..... 

Then last year I decided life was just too bloody short to give these mean spirited people that much power over me.. that much control of my life.

It has NOT been easy - and my anger - my "get even" mentality has reared it's ugly lil head from time to time.  But I seem better able to reel the emotions back in .. get them under control.... 

Case in point......... as most who read here regularly know ........ i have a "stalker" (for lack of better words).  And just when I think it is safe to stick my head out and breath she comes sneaking back into my life via comments here on The Journey - or in email... usually emails to W cc'd to me.

There is one email that stands out......... oh how I would have loved to hit the 'reply' button and let my scathing comments flow out into an email........ but instead I deleted it .. forever...... (so temptation didn't win).  And slowly the snide innuendos from her email faded in my memory - until today I honestly can't tell you what she wrote - just that it had angered me.

There have been other emails - and I have deleted (forever) immediately and have been amazed at how easy it is getting .. and how much better I feel - how much more in control I feel - for not responding.


It doesn't hurt at all that W has responded to the lastest email with words that support me....... (for the record it made me feel warm and fuzzy and cared for)


So I am learning - albeit slowly - that if I let someone's nasty words against me rule my day ....or week... I am giving them power over me......... which is the very last thing I want to do.......... 


It isn't an easy lesson.............. and it has taken me a damn long time to learn it ........ but I am here to say how 'freeing' it is not to have to get even........... not to have to prove I am right and they are wrong (they being a generic 'they') 

I keep remembering life is too short to be angry - or vengeful - I am going to live this part of my life with more joy than sadness ....... more peace than turmoil....... with more love than hate. 

Phobia

Tomorrow is eldest daughter's birthday.  Usually planning the family birthday's is left up to me.  I tend to favour civilized birthday gatherings....... "come for coffee and cake".  

Everyone arrives - in my nice warm house - we have coffee and cake - the birthday celebrant opens their presents - we have nice conversation - and more coffee - and in a couple of hours everyone leaves - I clean up the mess - and life moves along.

So with the upcoming birthday - I figured - coffee and cake and presents at my house.  

BUT I was wrong.


Turns out the birthday girl (who is turning 36) wants a toboggan party.  Yes you read that right  T.O.B.O.G.G.A.N party........... which involves loads of warm clothing - hats - mitts - scarves - snow pants - boots - and ................. SNOW ....... and Youngest daughter picked up the challenge and ran with it (so to speak)


First thought I had - ' I'm wayyyyyyyyy too old to be sliding down some hill on a hunk of wood' 


Then I started having nightmares................ all of them involving some sort of compacting unit - and things being crushed.......... I would wake up in cold sweats.


Then I remembered............. 

Going sliding was my mother's favourite winter past time ............ every single winter (more than once each winter I might add) she and I would trudge off with her sister and my cousin to some hill and go tobogganing for the afternoon.  My mother's attitude was You live in the Great White North - make the BEST of the wintery months!!  (God bless my mother who always tried to make the best out of a bad situation.  Personally I think they - being my parents - could have made the decision to move the family south - as far south as is necessary to reach a land of permanent sunshine and warm weather - but I digress)

I have vivid memories of those days sliding. ............ of being bundled up so well against the cold and snow and icy conditions that I looked (and felt) like the Michelin Man.  When the toboggan reached the bottom of the hill - I couldn't easily stand up - and it usually involved a lot of rolling around trying to find something to grab onto to pull myself into an upright position to begin the long walk back up the very HIGH hill.

And sliding - for those of you who live in a cleverly selected country of origin with warm sunshine all year - is a hazardous sport.  Trust me .. it is !!  I should know!!!  I have the permanent marks to prove it...... 

There was the time my mother was on the toboggan with me - I being the small Michelin Man was sitting in the front of the toboggan with my legs trapped under the over hanging lip .. my mother was sitting behind me - pressed up tight against me holding the ropes that went around my body to her hands...... (in other words I was squished in with no where to go)  My Aunt gave a super human push and we were flying down the hill faster than the speed of light - past other sliders - past trees and park benches.......... and there looming straight in front of me was this wooden fence - I remember yelling and trying to wiggle free just as our toboggan hit that wooden fence full force - crashing through the fence and landing us in the parking lot 


And oh ........ if that wasn't bad enough ....Another time.. my mother had me try out a new invention called a "flying saucer" ....... basically a round METAL cylinder type thing with handles on each side.  My mother had me sit cross legged on this circular piece of cold metal - jammed my hands into the handles ... and then gave me a humungous push down the hill .......... 


There was no way to steer this thing.... nothing to do but hold on for dear life and pray..... I hadn't gone more than a few feet down the hill when this circular piece of METAL started spinning round and round - like a merry-go-round gone wrong - and I couldn't see where I was going (in the long run that was probably a blessing) and then there was this crunch - and i was jammed tightly in between a huge Oak tree and wooden park bench that was frozen fast into the snow and ice .......... and it took my Aunt, my mother and some kind bystander 5 minutes to work my body loose from the flying saucer and from the tree and park bench.



A treat of marshmallows on my hot chocolate did NOT make the bruises and aches and pains feel any better at all !!


And now my daughter - who is turning 36 which means 'grown-up' no?? - wants to have a toboggan party.  And of course that is exactly what the grandkids (of course!!) and youngest daughter have planned for this afternoon........ a tobogganing birthday party!!


I am not bundling up...... I am not getting on one of those suicide devices !!  I am bringing loads of band-aides - maybe a back brace and a couple of splints........ my cell phone ready to dial 911....... and of course my camera!


I have a feeling my mother will be there today - looking down and smiling and yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE" every time one of the kids goes down the hill........... 

I just hope there are no fences - or flying saucers available

Strange

End of last week - as I pulled into the parking lot at school - I saw - perched on the fence proudly - a robin.  Robins are always the first sign of spring around here in the Great White North.  BUT it's still January!!!  

When I repeated the story to some of my staff - one of them reported that her 'doves' were back under her bedroom window - cooing to her. 

Last night I snuggled in waiting for this HUGE winter storm they were predicting (and yeah praying we'd have a snow day today) But the storm never came - in fact they are saying now that it will warm up today and probably rain.

This has to be the weirdest January ever !!  Weirdest winter ever !!

Makes ya wonder if the world is coming to an end ......ya know??

Bloopers.......

I am always amazed at how many 'typos' and/or poor grammar people use when writing emails/blogs/posts etc.  I realize this is a time of fast, faster, fastest..... but honestly it bugs me.... or it bugs the English teacher in me.. (not sure which)

This morning I was over on Fetlife - don't ask me why........... I keep vowing not to log on cause most of the time it just raises my blood pressure........... 

BUT ... this morning I found a couple of "bloopers" that made me smile......... 

There was this advertisement  for a Mistress who is going to be on some internet radio show... the ad read......... 

"I will be a gust on the _______ show on Wednesday Jan. 35th. "


And then this one..........

suffice it to say....... I had my morning giggle.

a little pessimistic

ok so last weekend was devoted to all things vanilla............ i was sulky and cranky cause as much as vanilla is a large part of everyone's life - i do need some kink thrown in for good measure.......... NEED!!! i say...really truly need.

Add to my miserable state last weekend the fact that this weekend isn't looking any kinkier and it down right sent me off on a cranky tangent.

Add to  that miserable state the fact that my toilet upstairs in the main bathroom sprang a leak when I was cleaning it last weekend and scared the hell out of me........... I was so sure the whole thing was just gonna let go and spill millions of gallons of water out onto the bathroom floor to leak through to the main level ....... and ..... with my luck ........ right down to the basement.  The same stupid toilet that does NOT have a shut off valve.


On Sunday I asked Sir S who is known for his handy dandy renovating skills if there was any way he could come and put in a new toilet.  He brightened up my day by telling me I most probably didn't need a whole new toilet (unless I wanted one) that it sounded to him like one of the ...ummm I can't remember what he called it .. but I will call it a WASHER......... had dried up and the leak was from that........... and that he was free on Sunday and would come and fix it..... and install a shut off valve to the toilet.  


Sounds good right?? 


Until I realized that Saturday I will be up to my eye teeth in family and family birthday parties.... and Sunday up to my eye teeth in toilets ........... and I realize that there will be absolutely no room for any tiny bit of kink for yet another weekend........... 


My gaze has turned to the next weekend - all the way to the 4th of February (which seems a very long way away - seeing as I have to turn the page on the calendar to even get a glimpse of it) when there is a play party scheduled.   I'm in such a 'good' mood (tongue firmly planted in cheek) that I figure either W or I will get sick for the 4th.... or there will be a massive snow storm which will shut down all the roads and bridges... or something equally bad will happen............. 


Some days I am such a pessimist.

Vanilla just happens sometimes.........

It was a busy vanilla weekend - cleaning and sorting and filing and cleaning some more.  I did manage to get my "to do" list completed.  BUT it was boring..... very very boring.  


That is not to say I didn't get an offer for a spanking....... W had sent me an email asking when I thought I would be finished all the chores on Sunday "by noon??" he asked.  I immediately felt flustered ... why by noon I wondered?? Couldn't he just ask what was on his mind instead of hinting???? I was conflicted so I wrote and asked "why?" Well it seemed he had this idea of dropping by here early and whooping my ass..... then loading me in the car and taking me off to pick up a couple of folks he had volunteered to bring to the munch.  I waffled.  I hesitated.  I was tempted.  


To be honest I had been daydreaming about just that  - well not the picking up of people - but of a whooping and then munching.  BUT - when it was right out there for me to decide...... I said "no".  


I really do hate to know.......... no it's more than that....... and obviously hard to explain..... In my addled brain I was gonna rush around on Sunday finishing the laundry - doing my nails - getting the housework finished up... all with an eye on the clock to make sure my ass was over the ottoman in time.  


Maybe if the suggestion had been made a head of time.. maybe if I had felt W wanted to come and see me on the weekend??? maybe IF I could have just gone with the flow...... but It wasn't ... I didn't... and I couldn't........ so I missed out on a whooping.  

I know I am not much good at feeling left out.  I know I am absolutely no good at being asked what I want..... 


Anyway.......... W did come over just as I got out of the shower... and we had a little visit and then went to the munch......... which if anyone is interested was less than stellar this time.  (it happens) ....... 


But there was a little bit of magic sprinkled over this vanilla weekend......... something that took my breath away......... 


When I opened the curtains on Sunday morning Mother Nature had painted the world in glistening sparkling ice particles.......

Maintenance

And no I am not getting ready to bore you to death with details of the house maintenance done yesterday.............

I am actually talking about something called "maintenance spankings"........ something, I might add, I know little about and don't really understand.  (Cause if I did 'get it' I would have researched it a long time ago...........)

I think I really heard the term the first time over on "My Bottom Smarts"...... a blog I read occasionally .. and.. have from time to time, contributed to the Sunday Brunch topic.  

This whole 'maintenance spanking' thing came back to me this weekend - as it is the topic of the Brunch this Sunday.  If you want to check it out you can go here............. 


I have been testing a few responses out - but decided I would post here - rather than there - so I don't upset anyone's apple cart (so to speak)






Ok so I really don't get this idea of 'maintenance spankings'.... on so many different levels.


First - It always makes me think of the old joke - where a child is getting spanked and when he asks "what did I do!!??"   Is told " it's for all the times I didn't catch you doing something bad".  Yeah laugh if you want - but honestly I don't get it.  Ruling by fear doesn't much work for me.  (or in my case being ruled by fear)


Secondly - we aren't children anymore - and so it irritates me no end to have spankings used as a punishment.  I grew up a long time ago..............and don't much wish to go back to being someone's child.  And I want to make it perfectly clear right here and now.. my parents did NOT spank.  They didn't believe in it... and besides ... I was one of those sucky kids everyone hates - cause they never EVER do anything wrong.

Then I got thinking about maintenance spankings and how they are usually 'scheduled' into the week or month.  And that got me to thinking about "date nights" and how they oh so didn't work most of the time.  You know what I am talking about right?? When you are with someone (whom you are usually married to) and you have to schedule a "date night" to make sure you get some quality "ME" time with your partner/spouse.

I remember (when I was married) trying to schedule 'date nights'........... and usually by the time they rolled around .. one of the kids was sick.. or one of us was sick.. or one of us was exhausted beyond belief from the week.......... and they kinda fell by the wayside.


I also remember my parents (god bless them) giving my hubbie and I a weekend away once or twice a year.  A time for us to escape the family nest - go forth and party for 2 whole days........... with a fair amount of sexual activity thrown in for good measure.  I mean - after all - we didn't have 2 kids in the rooms next to us eavesdropping on the shenanigans going on in Mom and Dad's bedroom.


I remember being really excited for those weekends away......... but 9 times out of 10 ... by the time we got to the hotel - the most we wanted to do was curl up and sleep ....... watch a movie ... eat in restaurants ...... and sleep some more.  There was just too much pressure to "perform" to make it fun and adventurous.


So I kinda look at maintenance spankings in the same light......... I can see the scheduled evening/night /day (hell who knows when they schedule these things??!!) coming along and one or both of the partners being a whole lot less interested in the maintenance.  It's a chore after all !!  Just like the term implies "maintenance"... in my addled brain - it rates up there with cleaning the gutters, or cleaning the toilets, or changing the oil in the car.  Boring maintenance - that most folks just want to put off.


So I honestly don't get how it works that well....... hell I don't get how it works at all.  Yet many people sing the praises of 'maintenance spankings'..... and their relationships thrive on them.  (More power to ya!!)  


Me - well I would rather act my age - and not throw temper tantrums - or stamp my foot (in earnest that is) - or commit any other infraction that would necessitate anything in the form of 'maintenance'.  I prefer my life to be more adventurous - more spontaneous And keep all my maintenance to being actually maintenance work around the house... thank you very much !!


(i will now put away my soap box - carry on - with or without maintenance )

Ambitious?

1.  do all the income tax receipts for my PreK   - done
2.  sort out all the old files and papers for the Prek - done
3.  clean the office - done
4.  mop all the floors - wash the floors - dust the house - vacuum the house - done
5. clean the bathrooms - done
6. do the laundry
7.  give myself a much needed manicure
8.  attend a munch on Sunday night


See any room for play or fun??? 


Me either 

Quickie

I have exactly 7 minutes till I have to leave to go back to work (don't even ask why only 7 minutes it would take too long to explain)

So I decided to see if I could bang out a blog entry in 7 minutes or less.... 

I start work real early - REAL early!!!  Like before the sun is up these days.... and usually when I arrive the school is virtually empty.

This morning I made a 'pit stop' in the ladies room on my way to my office.  (I even had to turn the lights on)

As I pulled my pants down... my clit jewelry moved.... a nice sensual rolling move... that had my heart pounding in 30 seconds or less..... I remembered a time when I would have contemplated a quick masturbation session in the privacy of the bathroom stall....... I sat there thinking how nice it would be.. and oh how naughty it would be!!

And no one would know............ 

My hands strayed to my jewelry and rolled it round - tugging on it slightly - the heat in my belly roared into a full on boil.............. yes my god I wanted - NO needed - one quickie.. 








Did I ?? 


OR


Didn't I???

Enough

Ok .. so we didn't have snow (well not much) for Christmas.  None for New Year's.

Winter arrived basically a week ago.

And after a week I can honestly say I am done... like dinner.  I am tired of shoveling .. I am tired of scraping ice .. I am tired of being cold.

This is what I think of winter.........  

 

Spring can come any time now......

Changes

In my usual fashion - I have had this thought simmering on the back burner. ..... not really coming to a full boil....... but nevertheless simmering............. 

I am not sure even now I can put into words what I am feeling/thinking........... But let's give it a try ............ 

I'm an old bird......... I've been on the net since it's conception........ (hell I used to work in dos before windows or the net as we know it today appeared on the scene) I have seen / read it all........ or all that I want to........ 

And I have noticed something....... not very big... just a small blip on the  BDSM internet scene....... depending on who / what you read you might not even notice it .......it's that small a blip......... 

But when I started reading blogs - all the blogs I read were of Doms / subs / Master / slaves that lived 24/7 - there was talk of safe sane and consensual - there was talk of TPE (total power exchange) there was talk of regular beatings.......of serving on hands on knees... of bowing before the "ONE"..........

And I wanted that ...... I wanted it so bad I could taste it !!

 And I had it........ for a while - 24/7 .. almost TPE....... but it turned out not to be like what I had read - it wasn't exciting all the time.. it wasn't even logical all the time... hell there were times it wasn't even possible.  


I am starting to think I became a little bit disillusioned......... I do know the excitement didn't last all that long...... I do know I became impatient - and not very graceful - or kind for that matter.... I was bored.  pure and simple ....... B O R E D


And know what ?? I think W got bored too....... 


Life is so much more than one facet of living........... and anyone who thinks it isn't - is living in a dream world.  


Life is about change........... and keeping up with the changes - and accepting the changes.... Life most definitely is NOT static.

I think living in a D/s relationship - in a total TPE relationship - is a fantasy.  One folks try out for a while - the length of time varies - from a few weeks to a few years - but in my opinion something changes - something always changes - and then I read the struggles of those folks trying to figure out what the hell went wrong.  I read a lot of blame on all sides....... I also read blogs where the lifestyle (per say) just seems to dwindle down to much less than 24/7 and a whole lot more of weekend play ........... 

It got me thinking of every day normal relationships where the honeymoon period involves a whole lot of lovey dovey behaviours ......... sex in every room .. at every opportune moment........ and then the newness wears off.. and the every day mundane  routines settle in... some relationships don't survive the end of the "honeymoon" period.. some change and settle down in to the mundane everyday routines ...... 


It would seem to me - that changing is happening all over the place - in all of the blogs of TPE and Master / slave - and I realize W and I are not alone in this changing process.... 


It doesn't make me feel any better........ this change...... I don't DO change well..... but it seems to be inevitable.  


And perhaps the real test is not how good a submissive or Dom one is.. but how well we adapt to the changes and bring our choice of lifestyle with us through the changes.  How well we mold and change our lifestyle to fit into the reality of LIFE.  


And maybe that is why The Journey has gone from daily discussions of the Joy of BDSM and serving and pain and whips and floggers and ropes - OH MY .......... to everyday living.......... with work and kiddies and struggles and the occasional - sometimes rare - sessions with those whips and floggers and serving and all the other trappings of a BDSM lifestyle.


Life is about Change - and it tests the strength of the relationship - of the love - of the commitment to each other.  


Maybe?

Orgasm

Saturday - during one of the play sessions - W gave me a mind blowing orgasm.  Ok ok so most of my orgasms are mind blowing - I think because I have reached the point in my life where every orgasm is a blessing - ya know the ability to have orgasms could dry up and blow away - I am of that age................. 

But every time I tell W it is broken - or not working he proves to me it is all in my head... 

He pushes my legs apart ..... enters me.. finds that spot... rubs it and rubs it harder and harder... and just like that my body is twitching and squirting and I am having a mind blowing orgasm.

I like orgasms.. 

I like them even more than pain..........(though pain is great foreplay for me!!)

I would like orgasms every single day............... with W. 

And I wonder why it is .. when I look for pictures of "orgasm" I find all these pictures of women glowing........ looking absolutely perfect... make up not smudged - hardly a hair out of place.  When I have an orgasm I look like shit (in my humble opinion) .. my face gets all blotchy - hell my body is all blotchy.  If I have make up on - it is gonna be smudged guaranteed !!  My hair is usually all over the place.  And my eyes are red rimmed and watery and vacant.  

BUT honestly I don't give a crap how I look - it's how I feel that counts........... and oh my god I feel wonderful !!!  


Endorphins and dopamine and adrenaline all mixed together in a cocktail that makes me feel loved and contented and squishy.

Yeah I love orgasms.

Uniquely painful

On January 1st W got a birthday present from kinky friends.  You can read about it  and see some good photos of it here......

But because of the monstrous bug I have been dealing with ..... the new flogger has been sitting waiting.......... until this weekend.

When I knelt over the ottoman late Saturday afternoon and lifted my eyes,.....This is what I saw draped over the edge of the toy bag...... glinting in the  light...

waiting for me... waiting for W...


I lowered my head and waited........... through the blue rose paddle, the braided leather 3 fall flogger, the vegan whip and the circus whip.......... 30 minutes of excruciatingly exquisite pain.

And then his voice spoke in my ear "are you ready ??" I couldn't catch my breath - I was afraid to answer - yet knew I HAD to answer... 


I nodded.


And so it began............. silver metal tips biting into my ass... hurting beyond hurt....

When it was over - and I had conquered yet another vicious toy...... my ass pounded - the blood pounded in my ears... it felt wonderful.


A few hours later I was knelt over the ottoman again....... and yet again I felt the floggers and canes and paddles and finally ...... the silver tipped dragon.... pounding into my ass... I could barely breath....... the pain filled me completely - there was nothing in my mind but an abiding deep darkness and the pain.......... 


The new toy left strange marks......... no bruising no blood - (well almost no blood) but strange white spots...........

Sunday morning W tried again...... I wasn't sure if I could take a third session but oh my god I was more than willing to try.......... 

I had no bruises - no marks one could see...... but I could feel - inside - the tenderness - the raw exposed nerves......... but still I wanted to try .. 3 sessions in two days would be a record......... 

But after only a few minutes I had to stop it.. it was more than I could take... and I cried... and W comforted....... 

The adrenaline had flowed - but no endophins - so I was left feeling like I was going to upchuck........ (not a nice feeling at all) I curled up on the chair under my snuggly and worked my way back to normalcy.  


As usual - despite the beating I took - there were / are no marks to see.  But deep inside I can feel the pain - even this morning - I know there are marks and bruises - deep inside.  Sometimes it can be discouraging that there are no outward marks...... Sometimes it seems without them that somehow I haven't taken all I could take...... Sometimes I wish I could mark like others.......... but I don't .... that's just the way I am.

As for the new toy......... it joins the long list of toys I love to hate.

Word Association

Just some words floating around in my addled brain..............

Interactive blogging continued.........

Well five of you readers were willing to try out my "interactive" blogging yesterday.  And yes I know I did say I would answer the questions last night......... BUT...... (have you noticed how many 'but's' there are in my blogs ??) I was exhausted when I got home from school - and the miserable awful terrible sore throat had reared it's nasty lil head again........... SO........... I decided to wait till this morning when I could give each of you the time and energy your questions deserved.

Right then.......... without further ado............ 

Question 1 (and they are in no particular order)

Blazngfire asked :  How are you doing with the Accounting program??

ugh you had to ask that one eh Blazn???  Actually not very well........... I have the bookkeeper on speed dial.  JUST when I think the program is finally set up to run on it's own (basically) and that all my questions have been answered - something else crops up.............. 

Like yesterday - I tried to enter my employee's pay and the program was looking for her hours over the holidays.  She doesn't get paid over the holidays - logically (in my mind) I would enter 0 hours - the program will not accept that as a viable answer......... so I am stuck again :(

Blazngfire also asked: Do you get to the Capital often?? Will you be there in February??

No I wouldn't say we go up to the Capital very often........... we were supposed to go up this weekend - but between the weather and this f*%$king bug we cancelled.  W did say we would try and make it up in February.................... which brings me to a question for you............ WHEN are you going to be in the Capital in February??? AND do you ever pass through here on your way up??? 

Rene asked:  I have been following you and W for a long time now and wondered why you never took that step to 24/7 living together??  (and no Renee that wasn't too personal a question to ask) 

The easy answer is W lives about 30 minutes away from me - down a long highway and over a bridge (a muchly used bridge I might add) and I work/ live here.  We had always said when I retire we would move out of province together and find a nice lil house somewhere together.......... that's the easy answer.

 However I suspect there is a much harder answer to that question........ and it makes me a little sad to be truthful...... I doubt very much if W and I will ever live 24/7 under the same roof.  There are some major character flaws we both have that would make living together a possible nightmare...... I think it would be ideal if we found joint living quarters that involved - for example, a duplex - where we would both have separate living quarters but be close enough to spend a large quantity of time together.  Or like the Heron clan - townhouses side by side where we could slip easily into each other's house by the back door for example.  

BUT as I said - nothing much will happen until such time as we can actually move and live closer to each other.  

Also (and I do HATE to bring it up - sort of like rubbing salt in my wound) but I did take my collar off and ended the Dom / sub relationship.  I don't know if W will ever accept me as his submissive again.  However - we are "girlfriend and boyfriend" now..... which is good :)  But there doesn't seem the same burning desire (or need) to live 24/7 in that type of relationship.  (well for us anyway)

Perfectdt asked:  How is the Canadian press treating kinksters nowadays?? Are they giving you a reasonable image or are you still getting the tired old knee jerk reactions from the journos??

I am honestly not sure I am the best person to answer that as I seldom if ever read a newspaper or watch a newscast.  I do know during Fet Weekend back in September the news crews were out in full force - but they were only snapping up stories of the extreme which is pretty much "same old same old" I have always maintained that a D/s relationship / lifestyle is just not all that newsworthy as there is nothing extreme about it.. to sell newspapers......... 

Ana asked: Is this the first only blog you have ever had?? And why did you start blogging??? 

The Journey  (and all adaptations to the name) is / was my first blog and continues to be my main blog.  I did - for a while - try having a vanilla blog (on word press - which I never did manage to figure out ) where I posted photos and family news - that didn't last long.

Then I started a couple of extra blogs here on Blogger. 

I had "Behind the Screen" which started off as something else (which I can't for the life of me remember) but it was only for my fictional writing and was linked to The Journey.  However it took a lot of time and energy to write monthly stories - and I only had 9 readers.  Sorry but it seemed just too much work for so few visitors.  I took it down.  I figured my writing was not as good as some people thought.. including myself...... so why beat a dead horse??

Then last year while I was sick and trying to motivate myself to get out of the house - I started "365".  The premise was to post a photograph a day.  It went along well while I was sick - but once life returned to normal - the camera and 365 were shelved until such time as I retire and can actually devote real time to my photography.  (Though truthfully I fear my talent for photography will be much like my talent for writing - not very good )

And now the why I started blogging........... wow..... way back when I was reading a few BDSM blogs and thought how much fun it would be to have my own blog.  I have always kept some sort of journal - hand written - so it seemed a simple easy jump from paper to screen.  It has been a love / hate relationship... as at times I censor myself.... or write for the masses..... It has been an ongoing struggle to keep it honest and true... 

And truthfully I think I started to blog because I wanted people to read it.. to know me. My 15 minutes of fame sort of thing??? Over the years it has become my outlet ....... and I honestly don't think I could stop now ........ I don't worry nearly so much what people think of me ........or my skewered philosophies......... or my brand of BDSM.... or even how many people read....... the words rattle around in my head until they come out..... and then voices in my head quiet down (cheeky grin)

Sir Mike asked:  What age did you start to enjoy pain? How much pain do you really like? 

ummmmmm I would say Sir Mike that I started to like pain in my late teens.  Or rather I discovered that pain was a turn on.  I don't "like" normal every day pain - like banging my shin bone on a table edge.  But when I was in my late teens I was reading books by Anonymous authors set in the Victorian days where young girls were getting spanked.. and I always got very turned on by the imagery the words created.  I read the Story of O at that time and was blown away by the imagery and pain that ran through almost every page of that book........ especially the piercing scene.  

I did try "cutting" around the same time...... and discovered it was as good as anything I imagined........ and was the best foreplay going........ until that is my parents caught me - threw a major hysterical fit marched me off to a psychologist ........ and so my cutting period ended quite abruptly.  Pain was bad...... and shouldn't be done.  I was in my 30's I guess before I realized there was a whole sub-culture out there that actually felt the same way I did.  

As to how much pain I actually like??? That is a rather personal evaluation.  I don't think I take that much.  It was only two summers ago when I was playing with different Tops that I was labeled a masochist.  It threw me for a loop.... probably because of my earlier introduction to "pain is bad"........ and somehow being a masochist meant I was one sick puppy.  

When I hear someone say they took 40 birthday spanks and couldn't sit down for a week..... in my head I say "ONLY 40??!! W tends to play for 40 minutes to an hour with me each time.  He uses whips and floggers (leather, rubber, knotted rope) canes, and a multitude of other toys.  A couple who were watching one scene a while back said the force with which W hit me with one of the floggers - created such a wind that they had to move because they got chilled.

It is very difficult to answer "how much"............ it's a bit like trying to describe the colour blue to a blind person.  Guess you will have to come and watch me get beat (cheeky grin) and then you can answer the question yourself.

Sir Mike also asked:    What happened to the man who was the father of your children?

Well to start (cheekier grin) He is still the father of my girls.  And very much still on the edges of my life.  We socialize together at birthdays, high holidays, weddings, funerals etc.  He comes for Christmas here and usually Easter.  We are friends now.  When we were married, He knew of my desire to be played with (in those days only sexually) and to find out more about being a submissive.  He fully encouraged me to do so.  (Personally I think he thought it was some weird sort of hobby) ....... He even met my first trainer - Lula.  But today we don't discuss that part of my life.

And that is it for all the questions.

I have to thank all of you who took time from your busy day to ask......... It was fun for me to answer them..... and hell it gave me a half decent post for today :)

If at any time anyone wishes to pop up with a question or two ......or three or four - feel free....you never need a special invitation.... AND...It does make writing a blog entry fun for me.......