cause that's kinda where I am feeling I am .... caught between a rock and a hard place.
And I know some of these mixed feelings may be honestly caused by the bug I still have.. it makes me tired and weak ... and emotional...........
I have tried not to think ....... but images swirl around in my head like ghostly spectres ....haunting my waking moments and now even my dreams......
Once when I offered to do bondage on W - to ease his desire to try it once again - He told me he could never allow me to tie him up....... not for any cheeky reasons..... but because it would (my words) fuck with my head.
On Sunday I was a willing participant in his bondage session - finding the Dommes ropes to tie him with while I cooked in the kitchen... and occasionally snapping a couple of pictures... I was enjoying the laughter and good humour from everyone involved.
Then while I watched - I found myself fussing a bit..... so I decided to 'disappear' downstairs with the smokers and let the scene upstairs continue without me.....
BUT I got a call from one of the guests - telling me W wanted me upstairs.. calling me to come NOW. And so I came upstairs...... I should have stayed downstairs... I should have picked up on some obvious clues from some of the guests that things had ......... changed (I can't bring myself to describe it....... I can't !!) But I didn't pick up on those clues and walked right into a bondage scene I should have not seen....... for my peace of my mind.........
I have been trying and trying to work out what the hell I feel about the whole thing now..... what it is that has made me feel like I am stuck between two hard places.... and I haven't succeeded in doing that....... Images just keep going round and round in my head... and I wish they would go away.............
I have asked myself ..... "was W right when He said I would feel differently about Him if we did bondage together?" and I can honestly say "no" I don't feel differently about him......... Was he right when he said "it would fuck with my head?" ..... well maybe yes...
BUT why ???!!! I am not collared to him anymore........... he is as much a free agent to do what pleases him as I am........... so why is my head so fucked up????
I think I should have ignored the summons upstairs on Sunday and stayed in the basement with the smokers........... maybe then I wouldn't be feeling like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
"I am not collared to him anymore..........."
ReplyDeleteYou may not be physically collared to him, but maybe mentally you still feel like you are.
Just a thought.
Regardless of why, I wish you weren't feeling so conflicted.
I know you'll sort through it.
((HUGS))
Party pictures are terrific. Never heard of frying the ravioli and serving as you did. A neat easy to do idea.
ReplyDeleteHope you get a handle on the 'fucked up my head scene'. I don't understand, was more than bondage going on?
Joyce
Free agent or not, if you continued to view him as dominant then seeing him in a submissive position would fuck with you in that way.
ReplyDeleteI know it would for me.
sarah
It would fuck with my head too.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a side note, I think Mr. Buffalo should get an award for the quote of the year...... I know I'll be using it as my official fav for 2012 "In my unsolicited opinion, darlin' girl, you make shit way more complicated than it need be." Lord ain't it the truth for us all!!