Ever been caught....

cause that's kinda where I am feeling I am .... caught between a rock and a hard place.

And I know some of these mixed feelings may be honestly caused by the bug I still have.. it makes me tired and weak ... and emotional........... 


I have tried not to think ....... but images swirl around in my head like ghostly spectres ....haunting my waking moments and now even my dreams...... 


Once when I offered to do bondage on W - to ease his desire to try it once again - He told me he could never allow me to tie him up....... not for any cheeky reasons..... but because it would (my words) fuck with my head.  


On Sunday I was a willing participant in his bondage session - finding the Dommes ropes to tie him with while I cooked in the kitchen... and occasionally snapping a couple of pictures... I was enjoying the laughter and good humour from everyone involved.  


Then while I watched - I found myself fussing a bit..... so I decided to 'disappear' downstairs with the smokers and let the scene upstairs continue without me..... 


BUT I got a call from one of the guests - telling me W wanted me upstairs.. calling me to come NOW.  And so I came upstairs...... I should have stayed downstairs... I should have picked up on some obvious clues from some of the guests that things had ......... changed (I can't bring myself to describe it....... I can't !!)  But I didn't pick up on those clues and walked right into a bondage scene I should have not seen....... for my peace of my mind......... 


I have been trying and trying to work out what the hell I feel about the whole thing now..... what it is that has made me feel like I am stuck between two hard places.... and I haven't succeeded in doing that....... Images just keep going round and round in my head... and I wish they would go away............. 


I have asked myself ..... "was W right when He said I would feel differently about Him if we did bondage together?" and I can honestly say "no" I don't feel differently about him......... Was he right when he said "it would fuck with my head?" ..... well maybe yes... 


BUT why ???!!!  I am not collared to him anymore........... he is as much a free agent to do what pleases him as I am........... so why is my head so fucked up???? 

I think I should have ignored the summons upstairs on Sunday and stayed in the basement with the smokers........... maybe then I wouldn't be feeling like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.