Real World

I have always prided myself on good budgeting skills.  For obvious reasons I have never had a bookkeeping program - but I have a running budget in my head...... simple budget - money in and money out.  

Oh I am not saying I haven't had times of overspending - I have!  But never to any great extreme.  

Last year something happened to me........... I got jealous of all the "things" other people had.. I wanted them too.  I couldn't understand why I was always doing without while others were taking holidays - spending money on stuff - and basically (in my mind) totally enjoying life.

Last year I got this "I don't give a damn attitude".  I am not proud to say this....... but for a while I figured I was going to die...... and there was so much I had missed out on...... and I was pissed off.  Life wasn't fair............. 

So I started to spend.  I dipped into my savings like there was no tomorrow..... cause in my warped mind - there probably wasn't gonna be a "tomorrow".  And I spent......... and spent ......... and spent some more.

About two months ago........ that running budget I keep in my head started sounding the alarm but I didn't listen........ 

Friday my bookkeeper showed up to work on my accounting program and set up my yearly tax payments to the government.

Now the alarms went from a quiet gentle beep - to an ear shattering air raid siren.

Right now I am facing 1) heating costs 2) property taxes 3) government tax withholdings and I look at the bank account and realize I am in trouble...... with a capital "T".

This morning the sensible me came back and took over my life.  I had been feeling sorry for myself again - this past weekend.  Sorry for myself cause I have basically been sick for the entire 2 weeks off work.  I have worked myself to a frazzle making sure everyone's holiday was as perfect as I could make it......... and I didn't get to do anything I wanted to do!!  (see me sulk??) 

This morning sensible me gave the extravagant me a stern talking to........ 'thank god I had been sick for these two weeks - otherwise I would have been out in the stores buying "stuff" cause it looked pretty and I wanted it"  The most I have spent in the last 2 weeks is just over $40 on medications.  And I haven't used my credit card once.

This morning I sat down and took a real long hard look at the mess that is my budget. 

Oh there is gonna be a whole lot of belt tightening around here for the next umpty ump months... and not a choice between Prada or Gucci either - more like a long piece of butcher's string.  (my own version of self bondage) 

I will get myself out of this mess that I have managed to get myself into......... cause that is part and parcel of who I am....... I got myself into this...... I WILL get myself out - no matter what it takes..... even if it means I spend the next umpty ump months in the house not spending one cent unless it is a necessity.