Saturday, October 29, 2016
I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks feeling embarrassed. Most people see me as this 'proper' woman. (dare I say 'proper older woman'?)
For the most part I am sexually naive -- and probably a bit boring.
BUT there is a part of me that has wondered for years if I might be missing something.
Way back at the beginning with Hands -- he asked me if I ever watched porn -- and I gasped 'of course not!' (though I admitted I did read some erotica)
He would occasionally send me porn type gifs. At first I admit they made me blush -- and fidget. Then I started to search them out for myself and if something struck me as personally appealing I would from time to time share them with him.
He would make positive comments about the pics I sent him -- and didn't seem to think less of me. My confidence grew...... and it helped that no bolt of lightening came out of the skies to strike me dead.
I grew more daring.... started collecting pics / gifs of acts that aroused me -- that were the starting points for some pretty hot fantasies (well 'hot' for me)
Then one day I was feeling more than a little daring -- and sent him a couple of 'inappropriate' pics ...... I waited for a comment from him and nothing came. So I finally asked him what he thought -- if I had shocked him.... his answer was "shocked ....... no maybe surprised"
I thought I would die. And questioned myself over and over why I had done something like that??!!! and promised myself I would never do that again!
BUT then I am not known for learning a lesson quickly.
The other day during a chat with Hands one where he shared a gif with me I took a big breath and sent him one of something I find very hot.... a fantasy --
His response seemed cool -- though it's difficult to tell from the written word -- but it felt cool.
AND because I am ME -- I overthought the whole thing.... and wished I could climb into a hole and pull the top in over me. I started to stuff this new side of me deep down inside.
Believe it or not I deleted all the pics I was storing -- I am embarrassed ...... dreadfully so. And I wonder if I am turning into one of 'those women' I have always sworn I wouldn't become ..... the 'bad girls' .....
My enthusiasm can sometimes be a very bad thing.