Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Fear



Fear is an insidious thing.  It starts off as a small knot - a blip on the screen of life - but over time it gets bigger until it feels like it is consuming you from the inside out.

About 3 weeks ago I had a back ache.  I put it down to the weights and exercise.  The worst of it got better - but it hasn't ever totally gone away.

Then one morning I noticed a pink hue in the toilet.  It didn't hit me at first - it took a couple of mornings before the small knot started to form.

Blood - could it be / would it be Blood?!

I have an appointment for my cancer check/follow up on the 19th -- that's next Thursday........ so I wait.  Like I have waited so many times before this.

Oh I have had folks tell me they don't understand my fear - basically implying I am just being silly - don't worry until you know.  Easy to say ....... for them!!

To me - at times - it feels like I am not real - that I am a shell - walking and talking - but not really here 

I go to the gym - I make plans - I cancel plans - I know there is nothing anyone can do for me to make this fear easier - but god I would just about kill for a hug right about now - someone to hold me close and whisper in my ear that it's gonna be alright ....cause sometimes - no matter how hard I TRY to "adult" I just want to be a little girl and have someone kiss the pain/fear away.

3 comments:

Lilac said...

Sending *Hugs* to you. You don't know anything until after you see the doctor at the appointment . Don't worry too much.

Try yoga or some meditation. It really helps .



Anonymous said...

Many hugs coming your way! Keep positive thoughts and visualize your body being healthy. I did this while I spent 6 weeks waiting for surgery to remove a stage 2 melanoma. It is difficult but I was afraid that even thinking or being fearful would make the cancer get worse. Again hugs and prayers coming your way

kaya said...

Big big hugs. Fear and worry are normal, I'd feel the same. Just keep breathing.