Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Fear is an insidious thing. It starts off as a small knot - a blip on the screen of life - but over time it gets bigger until it feels like it is consuming you from the inside out.
About 3 weeks ago I had a back ache. I put it down to the weights and exercise. The worst of it got better - but it hasn't ever totally gone away.
Then one morning I noticed a pink hue in the toilet. It didn't hit me at first - it took a couple of mornings before the small knot started to form.
Blood - could it be / would it be Blood?!
I have an appointment for my cancer check/follow up on the 19th -- that's next Thursday........ so I wait. Like I have waited so many times before this.
Oh I have had folks tell me they don't understand my fear - basically implying I am just being silly - don't worry until you know. Easy to say ....... for them!!
To me - at times - it feels like I am not real - that I am a shell - walking and talking - but not really here
I go to the gym - I make plans - I cancel plans - I know there is nothing anyone can do for me to make this fear easier - but god I would just about kill for a hug right about now - someone to hold me close and whisper in my ear that it's gonna be alright ....cause sometimes - no matter how hard I TRY to "adult" I just want to be a little girl and have someone kiss the pain/fear away.