Friday, November 13, 2015

Trying to be Strong and Independent






One of the most dificult things for me during this learning period - learning to be strong
and learning to be independent and learning to stand on my own two feet - is learning to ask for help.  I always feel I am imposing ................ and so I don't ask.

BUT there are times that one really should ask for help.  Like now.  3 months ago I had my regular cancer test.  A friend took me.  (I knew he was squeezing me in between family obligations - but despite my pleas to forget about his promise he took me) AND of course the doctor for the first time was running 30 minutes late AND then he had to perform surgery which made me even later I was SO stressed.

So when this appointment appeared on my calendar I looked for someone else who might agree to take me.  I asked a friend who had volunteered before.  She said yes.  BUT now it turns out she has obligations and she is stressing over how long the appointment will be and will I be out of there for sure by 10:30.  I don't FUCKING know! 

and I am stressed - to the eye teeth. 

I am scared enough that they are gonna find another tumour - and I will require more on the spot surgery.  Now I am stressing that it can't take more than an hour because she has to leave ................ so I am gonna thank her and say next time - maybe.

Which means I am now left with no one to take me.  

and that is scary .......... and makes me feel alone.  I could take a taxi and will probably have to....... but there is something about having a friend there to hold your hand - and if god forbid - they find another tumour - to rub your back or give you a hug.

This being strong and independent sucks donkey balls.  BIG TIME

 

3 comments:

abby said...

If we lived closer I would be that friend..hugs.
abby

Enzo said...

Hi,
I would drive you there if I lived near you. Therefore all I can offer is a HUG! and positive thoughts.
Have your friend take you, if she has to leave let her; but at least she will be with you through part of it.
If they find nothing then you can take a relaxed taxi ride home.
Best,
Enzo

Ordalie said...

EXACTLY! Why can't so-called friends spare some time to help us? Asking for help is demeaning in our mind, but getting it is a prowess.
This is my testimony: I fell on my shoulder about two months ago and since then I've been unable to drive: I can't turn the wheel or change gears: too painful.
So I also asked for help and didn't get it.
Which reminded me (solace in literature) of a poem from the Middle Age called Rutebeuf:

Que sont mes amis devenus
Que j'avais de si près tenus
Et tant aimés.
Ils ont été trop clairsemés
Je crois le vent les a ôtés.
L'amour est morte.
Ce sont amis que vent emporte
Et il ventait devant ma porte
Aussi le vent les emporta.

I'm sure you don't need me to translate.
Cheer up, dear Morningstar!