Monday, November 16, 2015
I had a wonderful weekend - really good weekend! I felt comfortable in my own skin - my head was clear - my heart beat normally - I was excited about the future.
And then dusk came on Sunday and the fear started to slowly creep in.
A line from a television show I watched this week kept running over and over in my head. "You may have all kinds of support/friends. BUT at night when you lay your head on the pillow - all you have is you" It spoke to me cause that is what I am living. No matter how many friends I have -- how much support I have from friends and family - the bottom line is -- when I go to bed at night - I am all I have.
I have my cancer test this week. AND I am scared... really scared. I don't want to go alone - I don't want to sit alone - get the results alone - face the results alone. I have thought about all sorts of alternatives.............. even him. BUT I realized that even if I asked him - even if he agreed - it wouldn't be the same. I would still be alone at the end of the day to face ...... whatever.... by myself.
That's one of the things that hurts the most I think........... I thought we would support each other - through thick and thin - sickness and health - forever. Like everything else it was all a lie - an illusion.................
and it hurts.
The fear hurts.
Maybe one day I will find the ladder to climb out of the hole that is fear.