Monday, November 16, 2015


I had a wonderful weekend - really good weekend!  I felt comfortable in my own skin - my head was clear - my heart beat normally - I was excited about the future.

And then dusk came on Sunday and the fear started to slowly creep in.

A line from a television show I watched this week kept running over and over in my head.  "You may have all kinds of support/friends.  BUT at night when you lay your head on the pillow - all you have is you"   It spoke to me cause that is what I am living.  No matter how many friends I have  -- how much support I have from friends and family - the bottom line is  -- when I go to bed at night - I am all I have.

I have my cancer test this week.  AND I am scared... really scared.  I don't want to go alone - I don't want to sit alone - get the results alone - face the results alone.  I have thought about all sorts of alternatives.............. even him.  BUT I realized that even if I asked him - even if he agreed - it wouldn't be the same.  I would still be alone at the end of the day to face ...... whatever.... by myself.

That's one of the things that hurts the most I think........... I thought we would support each other - through thick and thin - sickness and health - forever.  Like everything else it was all a lie - an illusion.................

and it hurts.

The fear hurts.

Maybe one day I will find the ladder to climb out of the hole that is fear.



Downunder Don said...

But the thing is that you can never get anyone else to cure your fear....only yourself. So please be gentle on yourself and face whatever comes next with a clear heart and mind.

Sue said...

Being afraid in the face of something scary is NORMAL. There is really no way around it. You will be afaid, and you will go find out what you need to know and what you need to do, and you will do whatever it is that you need to do for you. You do not need "him." He is not your strength. You have all the strength you need, and you have plenty of good people who will be there to support you as you find your way through the fear.


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