Wednesday, March 04, 2015

knots






And definitely not the good kind...........

I wonder why I can't stand confrontations.  I wonder why - even when I speak my mind like so many others do - I feel sick to my stomach afterwards.  I want it all to "go away".  And yet ........ I wouldn't take one thing I said back - cause it was the truth.  For some reason it is impossible for me to lie.  God !  if standing up for something - or myself - makes me feel this bad - can you imagine how bad I would feel if I lied??!!!  

It has been what? a month since the fiasco happened over on Fetlife.  The moment someone called me names and I stood up for myself.  Spoke the truth and caused such an uproar.  I was threatened for god's sakes (not that anything came of it) And I stood tall and carried on.  Am still standing tall and still carrying on........ 

Except the knots in my stomach.

It would seem that I find a need - a compulsion - to point out "the king is naked" (do you know that story??)  Why can't I just be like everyone else and smile and compliment the king on his nice new clothes?  Why do I feel I am the only one who sees the king naked and it is my job to point it out??? 

I have done some soul searching.......... it has nothing to do with bringing anyone down.............. it just has to do with seeing an inconsistency - smoke and mirrors?? - a naked king ?? and I can't let it go....... can't.  The truth (as I see it) must come out.

BUT then I am left feeling like the world is going to come to an end.  Someone suggested a "sit down" - even offered to moderate it - to bring an end to the squabble.  I declined.  Because I will NOT apologise for pointing out the not so obvious fact the king IS naked.

Now you may ask why am I bringing this up now?  well it's simple really - there is a munch on Friday and the "king" and all his minions are going.  I just want to pretend they don't exist ..... I just want to pretend everything is fine......... and I can't if I have to see them - break bread with them.  

And so the knots tighten in my belly. 

One day - maybe - I will learn to let everyone see the naked king - until one day someone - other than me that is - declares "the king is naked!"  

because ya know - my grandmother always said the truth will win out - one day

2 comments:

abby said...

I admire you for speaking the truth..and not backing down. But also I know of your health problems..all this stress..all those knots cannot be helping you.....As the song that my grands sing daily...find some way to "Let it Go".
hugs abby

Anonymous said...

Ah girly :(

My offer still stands. I wish I could make this different.

Mini me