I have been having a discussion via email with a friend. He asked me some tough questions last night...............
We do a great job of hashing out just about everything
there is to do with kink, but never talk about an exit plan. I've heard your
line on "you can play with anyone you want as long as my total needs are
meet". And I believe whole heartedly in that but what if your bottom can't
meet your needs? What then? Is kink over? Is your vanilla life enough to keep
I haven't answered him yet ......... I think I am gonna work out my answer here - and maybe get some input from you...................
He's right you know - at the beginning of a BDSM relationship we hash out everything (or should) from what we like/want/desire to what are "hard limits" no fly zones as I like to call them............... BUT we never talk about what happens when the relationship doesn't meet our needs/wants/desires anymore... You know once the new shine is tarnished and you wake up and realize this wasn't what you had hoped for. Do you pack it in - the BDSM I mean - and go 100% vanilla??? Do you pack it in - the relationship I mean - and go find someone else and start all over again?
I know a few years ago I packed it in and walked away from BDSM.... threw myself into my work - my family ........... and woke up one morning and realized I was miserable. I spent more than half my life fantasizing about whips and chains and floggers oh my!!! I couldn't walk away............ just couldn't.
I met two Tops who were looking for a masochistic bottom......... and played with them for a couple of months. BUT........ as much as it was fun - good fun - there was something missing (besides the sex) There was a connection missing..... a bond of spirits/hearts. And so I walked away again..... this time I walked back into Sir's arms. I had found everything I needed/wanted/desired with him.......... oh our relationship needed some fine tuning............ but it was - in my opinion - better than the alternative.
I know this relationship is nothing like I fantasized about or W threatened........ but it is REAL which is very important to me. Yeah I miss regular play sessions and if we were in Montreal with all the clubs and play parties we would be playing regularly. BUT we're not. And so we make the best of what we have.
I guess in some ways - if one's needs are not being met in BDSM that is when poly relationships (in theory) work. BUT I don't want another Top playing with me - I only want W. I am not sure where W stands on this - I can't help but think I don't meet all of W's needs/wants/desires - would he like to have a bottom that would fill the void?? I honestly don't know.
There is something exciting - intoxicating - about a new relationship. Perhaps too often when the newness wears off we aren't willing to work on compromises??? To settle for real rather than fantasy.
I am not sure I have answered his questions.......... what are your thoughts on his questions?