Tuesday, April 01, 2014
I believe some time over the years I have been writing here, I mentioned how I was raised by a superstitious grandmother.......... from tea leaf readings to gypsy fortune tellers to old superstitious sayings I experienced it all. And it is all very ingrained in me - part of me - as much a part of me as my blue eyes and my wrinkles.
A few years back I purchased Chinese Fortune telling sticks. They are quite simple to work. There are a stack of sticks (that look an awful lot like pick up sticks). They stand in a bamboo cylinder. Each stick has some oriental writing them - and an english number. You tilt the cylinder and slowly shake it until one stick drops out. You then take the number and find the fortune in the book that comes with the kit and read the corresponding fortune.
I admit I have been using them almost daily - hoping for a good reading - hoping for hope. 90% of the time I get advise on investments or being a good human or living a more Taoist life. But every once in a while I get the most depressing / scary reading - that a serious illness will befall me - or that I will experience great pain - or that I will be ill for a long time - and the worst one of all - that I should prepare for death.
But there are days that I get a fortune that tells of a peaceful life - a long life - great joy - or that I am worrying for nothing. I like those fortunes - they give me hope.
And sometimes in the dead of night - when all the world is sleeping - I pray. Something I haven't done in years and years. Childhood training - ask and ye shall receive - for a brief moment it brings me peace - but just for a brief moment.
Last Tuesday I had the uterine biopsy done. My doctor spent a goodly amount of time talking to me before hand - being positive - trying to bolster my spirits. In the moment it worked. But a week later I think 'he was just doing what doctors are supposed to do - take some of the worry away - for now'. And I wonder if his words are no different than my Chinese fortune sticks - my prayers - faint hope.
Superstitions - clinging to some primaeval hope that magic will make it all go away - make me better.............