Most of the time - these days - i am pretty sure i know who / what i am.
Except for those days i get confused.
If you have access to Fetlife - you could read W's profile - and it would say he is in a BDSM/vanilla relationship with me........... which makes sense to me (maybe no one else - but hey i'm the one who counts right??!!) We are like boyfriend / girlfriend most of the time. We do vanilla stuff together and then when we go to play parties / munches He is my dominant. It's a bit like leading a double life - but everyone knows about it - so it isn't very difficult - no secrets involved - no lying involved... it just works.
It's all very ethereal..........and sometimes i forget to come back from the times of wearing his collar - come back to being the girlfriend from being his submissive. It's really hard to explain...
It seems to me when i am his submissive i am perhaps a little more needy - a little more insecure - a little less graceful about it?? I am not sure...... W used a generic term to describe a generic situation the other day - and i found myself having an emotional reaction to it..... (and yeah yeah unfortunately i let those emotions spill over onto W )
But in the light of day - so to speak - i realized generic terms are necessary to make a point.... being generic allows for a whole lot more inclusion in the statement.. 'it's not just about you and me - it's about all of us'....... (do you understand what i am trying to say here??)
Maybe i really do need this mixed dynamic for growth........ it would seem to me that when i am in sub mode i am blind deaf and dumb - but when i am in girlfriend mode i have a better understanding of 'things' ........ maybe there will be a slow merging of the two personae - the submissive and the girlfriend - and then - god willing and the creak don't rise - i will be a more graceful, accepting, submissive.
Until then i switch hats and keep learning...........