Dunce

 

Well the marks are in............ and I got a big fat "F".  I failed......... miserably.  This morning as I sit here reviewing "stuff" I can't see any way round it.... failed..... in so many different parts of my life........ 

And yeah I know - you don't believe it - not on the heels of the huge success the weekend was with the grandkids...... 

BUT.......... 

I know the truth............. And the truth is....... 

The accounting program I have been trying to learn - I failed it (I can think of another "f" word that work much better - and more colorfully - but failed it is)

First off I made mistakes setting up the program to fit my lil business..... massive BIG mistakes....... so each month when I blithely go about entering deposits and withdrawals and pay cheques and expenses - the problems keep compounding - building on themselves.  I should have stopped back in September when the bank reconciliation didn't balance.  Yup - shoulda stopped then and started over - but I didn't .. I kept on digging that hole deeper and deeper......... 

Until this past weekend - when I realized I had to pay my quarterly taxes - and the program couldn't find any to pay........ WTF??!!!  That's when I realized how deep a hole I had dug myself........ and I hit the "panic button".  I have been having nightmares about the government marching in and seizing everything I own..... (though somehow I don't think it is quite that bad - not in just 3 months)

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About two weeks ago I knew something was going wrong with my health....... but being me.. I just kept going on blithely ignoring all the symptoms....... hoping they would just magically disappear ...... of course they didn't... anymore than the accounting problems just cleared themselves up.. 

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You all know about staffing problems at school - and though I have tried to fix them... I have more or less just bungled my way through - strong arming them into doing what I insist on....... thinking they would all see the light and realize how right I am......... until yesterday when I had one staff member tell me she was leaving - December 23rd would be her last day........and I was ashamed at my reaction - inside I did a little dance of joy - outside I smiled and wished her well........ (shoot me now ok?? I am not proud of that)

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And I try NOT to think about my relationship with my girls or W....... cause to think about that would be admitting failure again........ 

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Ok so last week all those failures hit me upside the head..... and I decided I could hide in my lil room or face them and try and fix them........ 

Health - I called my doctor and got an appointment to see her last Thursday.  We discussed what I have been doing ...... wrong.  And I got the lecture I should have been able to give myself.  I will NEVER be cured.  I have to adapt my lifestyle to fit the disease.  I can pretend I am cured - eat what I want - not take my pills - or take too many - but the fact remains - I am never gonna be cured - and I need to change my lifestyle.  I need to "own" this disease ........ and get on with my life.  I could have received a much worse diagnosis...... smarten up....... 

And so I have.  I am back to eating properly - taking my pills on a new regime that might start to fix the problems ......... again.  And yeah I will admit the heavy pain in my lower belly is easing............ 

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Accounting - yesterday I went to google typed in "bookkeepers" and seem to have found someone.   Someone who is quite willing to come out to the house...... go over the program - fix my mistakes - show me what I did wrong - talk me through the process.. teach me.   W has agreed to come too....... he has even (though I think a little reluctantly ) agreed to take over the monthly bookkeeping jobs..... so I don't feel so pressured..........

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School - well that's a toughie....... cause I know I am doing my job right...... the problem is how I am communicating it to my staff.  I think most of the time when they ask their stupid questions - or do something stupid - I just act exasperated.  If it was a child I wouldn't act exasperated I would have all the patience in the world.  Good god - why is my patience in short supply ??  Patience is something that I should have plenty of... a good boss should be patient - no matter how thick the employees are .. right???   I could have - at least - shown a different reaction to the woman who is leaving.......right???  I think my problem is.... I can't let go of the teacher in me... I can't be a BOSS......... I have to learn how....... yes the kids should come first..... for my educators .. for me ... my staff should come first ... I think...... hierarchy and all that... I should be seeing the adults as my students.. and if they are happy then they will pass along the excitement and adventure to the kiddies .. right??? 

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And as for my girls and W........... well I guess I need one problem that I still have to work on finding the answer ......... right??? Can't fix all my "F's" at once right??? and some problems take longer and need more work than others right??? 

Hopefully by the time the next report card comes out - I will have at least one or two "B's"........... and I won't be sitting in the corner wearing the Dunce cap.