Thursday, May 27, 2010


It seems just lately "limits" have been popping up in my life - again. Truthfully it is one of those things that I kinda figured I had done to death - back in the early years of my involvement with BDSM.

God - sometimes I can be so damn wrong !!!

I was having a chat with a 'newbie' and she was confused by limits. Her attitude pretty much parallels mine...... which is most definitely not politically correct.

"Limits?? I don't have limits"

The first argument supporting the above statement is........ how can you know what your limits are until you try something??? Much like how do you know you will like eating some new food until you taste it???

The second argument I have supporting the above statement is...... What if something was a hard limit.... times change .. people change.... and now you want to try it again for the second or third or fourth time??

The one thing I am learning in this new journey I am on...... is playing with someone is a bit like dancing. (ok ok .. hang on I will try and explain) Let's say you have a regular dance partner - for years. You don't dance with anyone else. Then one day you go to a dance alone. You find a new dance partner and suddenly it is like you have to learn how to dance all over again. You may discover you can suddenly do dips that you could never do before.. because the new dance partner has a different way of holding you/supporting you. shrug.. does it mean the last dance partner was bad?? no.... just different.

Last weekend S&S had a talk with me. They had played harder with me than ever before... They were under the impression they had pushed me hard over my pain limit. They had been using wood.......... wood paddles wood spoons.. everything wood.

What we hadn't discussed was I LOVE wood. It is probably my second favourite toy. I honestly don't believe I have a pain threshold with wood.

BUT ......... they have never used floggers on me. I couldn't figure out why. It turns out that I had said something to the effect of "I hate floggers - they make a cold breeze and I HATE cold". S&S took that as a hard limit. Definitely a small communication break down.

I assured them IF they want to push my limits.. to have me "yellow" a play time.. or even "red" a play time they might try floggers. (Mind you.. in all honesty - I am thinking the quirt might bring out a yellow in me too.. it has come close... very close)

The point I am trying to make is that I believe limits are something that develop with time. When playing with someone new - asking if they have limits is an excellent idea. But then I would never assume those limits are engraved in stone... cause hey....... you are the "new dance partner" and maybe that limit won't really be a limit anymore.

I have been thinking that maybe "negotiations" might be a much better way of establishing "no fly zones" than listing obscure play tactics. And I mean negotiating regularly - maybe even before each play time!! Allowing - even encouraging - a sub (cause ya know some of us need encouraging to talk) to say "I would like to try a, b or c." Dominants could use this time to introduce ideas to a sub ........ teasing .. building anticipation by saying research figging and tell me what you think of doing that.

I don't know.. asking a sub to state their limits seems to me - to put too much responsibility on one set of shoulders. Instead of requesting limits... building trust and a bond is more important in my mind. Knowing the Dominant will push.. but will also listen to you.. hear you is important. Knowing the submissive is empowered to say STOP that fucking hurts too much. Knowing that play is a team sport....... and everyone should be actively participating is more important to me than a limp list of limits.

And that is my opinion !


Jz said...

Like you, I'm a bit undecided on what the best way is to handle this. Of course everyone has limits. But it's entirely possible that these could vary from partner to partner. With one, you may never find a limit, with another, you might trip over them constantly.
Far better to let the Dom push, let the sub say "when!" and, yes, keep everyone actively participating. (Isn't active participation implied in the word "dynamic" anyhow?)

viemoira said...

I can see how limits can change with partners..definitely!

Its interesting how people process different texture differently. I *love* floggers; wood, not so much.

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