Friday, June 19, 2009

tears


Once again .. i come here in the quiet stillness of the early morning......... listening to the rain tap against my window like some elf trying to come in.......... and wonder if the words will come .... if they will make any sense to anyone other than me....

For two weeks now i have had this deep deep sadness inside of me... eating away .. tugging at my heart and my stomach and making them hurt....... not pretend hurt.. but real hurt.. i fight with the tears that well up in my eyes and threaten to spill over and run down my cheeks...

i fight back at that hurt.. because that is part of who i am... and i go about my daily business .. taking pictures... doing paper work... managing staff problems.... doing budgets and data bases.. and finally when i can escape i run home to the quiet and the stillness of my lil home and wrap myself up tight in a blanket and let the tears spill over and run down my face.... making it puffy and blotchy ... and oh my god!! so ugly....... and i wish my heart would stop hurting and i wish my stomach would unknot itself.

It all started off with whispered voices from my past.. voices that said i was fat.. and ugly and had way too much interest / need/ desire for sensuality and just plain sex......... and this pain has morphed into the realization that i am failing at being a submissive...... and no no.. don't bother writing to argue the point.. because i know it is true.. Sir has pointed out my failings.. and He is right.....

It would seem i have forgotten the rules........ most of the rules....... and i shouldn't have ... Sir shouldn't have to reinforce them should He? i should remember them.. and follow them and be proud i have rules............. be a graceful gracious subbie.. i keep telling myself swan wouldn't forget the rules.. leesa wouldn't.. kaya wouldn't........ drakor wouldn't......
BUT i have !

i do remember a time when i was frustrated cause i felt as though i was subbing in a vacuum.... and what was the point?? i do remember stopping a lot of the more difficult rules to follow.......... and now .. quite truthfully i have just forgotten them........ how could i do that??? But it doesn't matter how.. it only matters i have.........

Sir says He wonders about this thing called BDSM.... but i know secretly.. He is only wondering about it with regards to me......... because i know He has had no trouble finding energy and interest in whooping another submissive...........

And so it comes back to me......... to my failings and failures ...... and my stubbornness... and my weaknesses... and my wants and my desires and my needs.........

i have failed.

And so i sit and listen to the rain tap tapping on my window............. and wonder what now?

12 comments:

anna said...

I'm not sure what to say other than to tell you my heart aches for you. I'm sorry you're feeling this sadness and pain. I'm sorry you're doubting yourself.

Maybe you both need to do some soul searching and figure out exactly what you would want in your ideal (yet still realistic) relationship. If you could have it any way you'd like, how would you want it?

You are who you are... and you aren't a failure if you're being true to yourself.

Sending supportive hugs your way.

Hisflower said...

my heart aches for you sweetie.. i know there are no words to say... just know you are in my thoughts. i wish i could give you a real big warm hug, but im sending this one ((((((((morningstar))))))))))) filled with warmth and friendship.

BlazngScarlet said...

I too have no words of wisdom. I'm not even sure if I have words of comfort.
Self doubt is an ugly evil, and it can destroy all the good that is you.
Please don't let it consume you. As Anna said, if you have been true to yourself, then there has been no failure.
You can only be who you are.

I am keeping you close in thoughts morningstar.
I wish for you some peace of mind, and peace of heart.

Much love
xxxooo

swan said...

I'll simply echo what others have said here. I send you hugs, and quiet energy, and friendship. I wish I had something more to offer. I wish we could sit down face to face. That would make this so much simpler. Whatever comes, you have people here who do care.

swan

swan said...

I'll simply echo what others have said here. I send you hugs, and quiet energy, and friendship. I wish I had something more to offer. I wish we could sit down face to face. That would make this so much simpler. Whatever comes, you have people here who do care.

swan

selkie said...

dearest morningstar, I know that feeling of tears - I call it "leaking" ... I "leaked" for almost two years and every once in a while I "leak" again ... acid, hot, aching that somehow just wells up from the heartworn soul and dribbles from the corner of your sore eyes.

Just I'm sorry.

And I wish we weren't so damn hard on ourselves.

No relationship - vanilla, bdsm or otherwise is ever completely smooth. Mistakes happen. People fuck up. But the wonder of the human spirit and the connection to another is that it IS fixable...

Raheretic said...

morningstar, the three of us are watching, listening, and caring. We wish we could lessen your pain, and are particularly distressed at your self-doubt.

I really have no idea what is occurring between you and Sir, but I am sure it is not your weight or your ability to adhere to "rules," or your sensuality, or labido that is the basis of your and His difficulty.

Perhaps swan or t or I could help more, but we'd need more information.

Hugs from the three of us, for a dear friend whom we are pleased to recognize as one of the truest BDSM lifestyle practitioners.

Healing energy,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

I have no advice, that would help you but I am thinking of you.

Prefectdt

viemoira said...

*i* really think that questioning is a sign of growth in the sense that one has a desire to do better and that is a good thing. It would be worse if you just simply did not care or were not phased...i hope things get better for you soon!

Blade said...

I might be jumping to the wrong conclusion, but could part of the problem be your Sir's reactions to what you do? For me, I find it difficult to give my all to adhering to something that my Dominant doesn't seem to take much interest in - even if it's a rule that he's set in place. I end up feeling....rejected. Could it be that you're feeling like he doesn't care about X so why put the effort into it?

Anonymous said...

One of the hardest issues I run into with my girl is her comparisons to the blogging types. I think that is such a dangerous trap and I would tell you the same thing I tell her.

What you read in those blogs is merely a small sliver of their lives, written in words to put forth the image/message they want their readers to see. It's good to draw inspiration but you cannot expect to be exactly like them, because the words on the screen are one-dimensional. It would be like reading a biography of someone like Vi Johnson and expecting that you should be exactly like her. You can't - all you can be is yourself.

These days, she's learned that lesson a bit more, although the temptation to do the comparisons is still there.

Impish! said...

Even if a relationship has problems because one person is making mistakes (and believe me I don't know your situation) a relationship heals or fails on both member's contributions to their partner and the whole. Have faith, try to gather your resolve and strength for whatever you decide you need or want to do but please stop being so hard on yourself. I'm not in a D/s relationship so I'll add that disclosure, but with what I've learned about them in mind, I feel sure that as the sub you are not all powerful enough to cause the failure of the whole system by yourself, mmm?
Anyway, thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a bit more hopeful soon.