Friday, February 01, 2008


i was having a discussion with a friend recently who asked what if one is not submissive enough? i took a long time answering the question......... i had never thought about it..... but it was a good question especially for someone just starting out in the BDSM world.

And it made me realize that there are other terms out there in BDSM land that we seldom use... almost like they are 4 letter words.. top and bottom - instead of slave/submissive and Dominant / Master.

Why is that everyone rushes along to attach the title of either slave or sub to their names.. why is that others rush along to attach the title of either Dominant or Master to their names?? And you do realize don't you........ dear readers .......... that there are folks out there in the real world who practice what we preach who don't put titles or labels to it at all....... they just DO it!!!

And if you must have a label.. and aren't comfortable with sub/slave then what is wrong with bottom and top???

i was trying to define bottom ........ and realized........ while i was musing away... that the typical definition wasn't necessarily the right one. A bottom does not have to mean a person who likes / seeks pain without the commitment.. someone who will play with anyone for the pain and pays little or no attention to the protocols of this lifestyle.

A bottom can be defined........ in my humble opinion anyway........ as someone who is working their way through the many mazes of activities that make up the wide spectrum of BDSM. A bottom can be someone who is not ready to commit themselves to the lifestyle or labels - just yet. Someone who wants to try out different activities and styles before they settle ....... much like test driving a car. You seldom drive one car and say "that's it" because just down the road is another little roadster that looks so inviting....

So why not have an entry level label of bottom?? BDSM is not a one size fits all kind of thing.... It is more a multifaceted ........ try it on and see if it fits... kind of thing.

AND for god's sakes don't compare yourself to me.. or to other submissives on line or in real life......... (and yeah yeah ... i know i compare.. and measure and push myself to reach some limit i read on line.. or saw at a party........ but for god's sakes i am not always right you know!!!) To me the most important thing about BDSM is trying out what fascinates you.. have a fitting........ ok the floggers feel rather nice.. but the whip ........ no thank you .. not on your life. A couple of clothes pegs might be nice....... but clamps - no thank you !!!!

Do you honestly think i started out playing with whips and floggers and lexan canes and needles oh my !!!!! No bloody way....... i had one little rope flogger i had made.... soft rope.. and it would give me a nice red bottom .. make it all warm.. make me feel all warm and fuzzy .. and after 15 or 20 minutes .. thank you very much i have had enough now.

AND i only came around to thinking about service submission 7 years ago when i met Sir for the first time.. He offered to teach me about bondage and service (or D/s) and i said sure why not.. kind of a lark........ a little fun for a few weeks or so. And yeah i landed up hooked BIG TIME........ but that doesn't mean everyone else will be..........

The challenge of this lifestyle may be not so much about finding the right partner.. but finding your style........ something that will fit you ... not some one size fits all that pinches here and bags there and leaves you feeling uncomfortable. The challenge comes from trying things out.. slowly and methodically... with someone who is caring and kind and understanding... That in my opinion is the real challenge !!


CLoud said...

I would have to say that I am not in agreement with you. The term newbie I think suffices for those trying to find what they are or what they enjoy. as for names or terms I think they are needed to describe what we look for. I like protocols and rules and do believe that the lifestyle should have some basic ones they did at one time they had etiquette at least. I do not like those that dress up on Saturday and put it away on Sunday The reason I do not frequent fetish clubs.

Every one has to find there own way yes it can be done inside of boundaries. If course now a days people alter religions to fit their needs not fit the religions. So I guess it is the way of the future lifesstylers. Pity

swan said...

Just my opinion (and I am struggling these days with that "my"), but I think that there is too much rush to climb the status ladder within the lifestyle,and lay claim to titles and labels before taking the time to learn sufficiently about what any of it means -- or even to come to know what lies inside of oneself. Whatever we call the one who is simply beginning to explore, we were all "new" at some point in time. Further, no matter how far we've come, we all have distances yet to travel and depths to plumb.
What I knew in the beginning is as nothing to what I know today... but then, what I knew last month is kind of like that too.


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