Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Contracts and Negotiations..
i have never been very good at negotiating anything... Case in point.. i needed a new car.. i wanted a red car.. i saw a red car.. a shining sporty red car at the local car dealership. i checked the price.. it was in the ball park so i went to buy this red sporty car. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) i brought a long a friend... who couldn't believe i was just going to sign the contract without negotiating the price.
So that is where i stand on negotiating......... i don't.
And there in lies the problem we had with negotiations with drakor, neither Sir nor i completely fully understood ??? appreciated ???BDSM negotiations. When Sir and i talked.. he sent me a 12 page list of activities and i had to check off the things i wanted to do... the things i wanted to try and the things i wouldn't do not ever. Then i had to trust Sir would take care of me.. and not damage me in any serious way. He was the "boss". Over the years even the trilogy of "health, family, work" has fallen to Sir's control.
That was not the way drakor worked.. nor the way he saw BDSM negotiations. The checklist i gave him was not nearly enough ( and it was only 4 pages not 12 because the check list i sent him was a list of things that Sir and i were willing to do.......definitely an indicator of what Sir and i expected/wanted from this relationship) . We kept running into problems that drakor was quick to point out.. and hard limit was used in almost every email. Sir became downright exasperated ... i flip flopped between being confused and angry.
So i re-wound .. backed up.. and started again. This time i had drakor write out his list of hard limits.. his "no fly zone"...... because Sir and i had to know where we could go........ without feeling like we were walking on eggs all the time..
After nearly a week drakor came back with a list of 43 hard limits... 43!! To be perfectly honest Sir was ready to end it before it had even got started. i had the definite feeling that the submissive was in charge...... do negotiations do that?? put the submissive in charge??
One Friday during our coffee klutch time we discussed the hard limits.. by then drakor had put in provisos and the 43 had become 34. Still a mouthful no matter how we counted them. A lot of the hard limits were things Sir and i would never do .. because of our respect for drakor's very separate vanilla life, or because of his health issues ..or because we just don't DO that. But i realized that drakor needed that put in writing.... trust isn't always in all ways a matter of blind faith.
drakor also wanted to know what we wanted.. what would please us. Sir's answer was short and sweet... I am the Dominant everything you do you do to please me! pointe finale. Sir saw no need at all to write out what He wanted... it was simple.. He wanted obedience.
And so the 34 hard limits were printed up......
And i won't say that there aren't times Sir and i don't scratch our heads prior to a session and quickly review those hard limits... 34 is an awful lot to remember.. no mind fucks.. no influence over the "Cloud" blog (which by the way if anyone is interested i no longer read.. it is drakor's Dominant side and i have no wish to muddy the waters by worrying what his dom side is thinking or feeling) oh yeah....... and i can't use duct tape on his head, penis!! pooh !!!
i came to the realization while working on this negotiation process... that if a submissive was dealing with a Dominant he/she didn't know.......if the Dominant didn't have "staying" power to discuss and work through the hard limits..that would be the first sign........ a red flag for sure......
Tomorrow the contract .. the whys and wherefores ........