Ultimately

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday ...... and another cancer screening test. I did not want to go through the test.  I feel as though my body has been poked and prodded and scrapped and cut too many times in the last 4 years....... way too many times.

Sir Steve reminded me I could refuse to go through the test -- ultimately it is my decision.  I had more or less made up my mind to refuse the test.

Then on the drive to the doctor's office I realized it wouldn't be a very mature / grown up thing to do - to refuse a test.  So I made a deal with myself -- I would have the test -- but I didn't want any male doctors!  IF they couldn't/wouldn't give me a female then I would refuse the test.

I had a female ...... a resident -- and dear god in heaven!! I hope gynecology is not her specialty.  She could not find my cervix........ WTF??? she poked and she prodded and poked some more.   Ever had a nurse try to take blood and they can't find a vein and poke around with the needle?? yeah?? well multiply that discomfort 10 fold and you have an idea what it felt like to have her hunting around for my cervix.

Finally she found it and took the scrapings needed AND then took some other scrapings.  Then she said they would call if they found anything and left.

I just sat there - naked from the waist down - hurting -- really hurting.  I felt violated for lack of a better term.  AND of course 'anxiety' my old friend reared it's nasty head and I had a minor panic attack.

I made it home doing a whole lot of self talk -- mostly calming myself with the thought I would talk to Sir Steve and have a little cry and he would make it all better as only he can.

BUT as luck would have it -- as I logged on he was trying to dash out the door..... so our talk was postponed.

I took some tylenol for the discomfort and curled up on the sofa under my snuggly blanket.  I realized... when it comes right down to it ....... ultimately we are all on our own to go through medical tests or emotional pain -- ultimately it is up to us to find ways to cope / deal -- and get through whatever it is life throws at us. 

Ultimately there is only "me". 

Surrender

I love to be teased - sexually -- brought to the edge but never allowed to just drop over -- not yet -- not till he wants it... desires it... 

He loves to keep me hanging there - loves my facial expressions -- loves to hear me whimper with need -- to feel my nails digging into his skin -- urging him to finish it ... 

On the weekend he took me to that edge -- and held me there for what felt like hours -- I was twisting and turning and moaning with desire

AND..... 

at the height of my need ........
I felt total and complete surrender.

He could have had anything -- taken anything -- I was nothing but a ball of clay in his hands.. to mold any way he wished.... and whatever he wished was my wish ... my need was that strong.

Total and complete surrender 

and that is a very good thing!

Gossip and Rumours

7:30 am Sunday morning I heard my cell phone beep.  7:30 A.M. on Sunday (in case you missed that !!)  

Someone told someone who told someone else a bit of gossip about me.  Right -- and I needed to hear the vague innuendos at 7:30 A.M on Sunday morning.  To say I was pissed would be putting it mildly.

Sometime around 9:30 A.M. Sir Steve and I were having coffee and browsing Facebook when he got a phone call.  His ex-mother-in-law apparently threw a major hissy fit at the campgrounds on Saturday.  You see - on Friday Sir Steve gave her back the keys to the trailer she gave him as a wedding present.  (She had asked him to pay her for it - believe it or not) Sir Steve - as you all know -- had bought a new one.  

It is my belief from the nonsense she kicked up on Saturday that she had been hoping he would just walk away -- from the trailer -- from the camp site - from the camp grounds entirely............. that way she could house her other daughter and grandchild two trailers down from her for the summer.  Sir Steve ruined her plans.  (BTW the campsite is now and always has been in his name!)

I can feel the electricity in the air...... 
I can feel the tensions building...
I am getting pissed !
No correct that --  I  AM pissed!

I am so very glad that I asked Sir Steve to NOT change our site -- I am more than prepared to stand tall and show the campground that I am a bigger person than this small petty woman who gossips and loves drama. 

As for the gossip about me flying around the local community -- (especially the ones who read here and helped spread the gossip) While you are talking about me behind my back ........ you can 

Sunday Sentiments

Tired

I need that kind of vacation -- well minus the beer.  

I need a break - I really do.  I am exhausted .. I need a vacation from running around -- from people and constant talking -- from work and worrying -- from not having enough "us" time with Sir Steve -- from trying to make everything fit together 

I really need a break........ and soon