Hit the Wall

Yesterday around noon - I just couldn't handle 'it' anymore.  Honestly I didn't know what 'it' was - but I knew I was done - I had "hit the wall" and there was nothing left in me.  Done like Dinner.

I did something I haven't done in years and years.  I got in my car - put it on the highway, put the pedal to the metal (as the saying goes) and just started driving west. 

Fortunately my heart slowed down before I reached the west coast. So I turned the car around.

There is something about speeding along a highway watching everything fly by you with the music loud and the windows down wind blowing around to free up your mind.

When I got home I parked the car and went for a 2 mile walk - quite a contrast between speeding along a highway and slugging uphill into a wind for a mile.  Sure slows you down.
 
Then I finally came into the house and did some self pampering and took a long hot shower.

I'm still not sure I know what the "it" was that drove me out of the house at noon - or if I ever will BUT I do know I will keep slugging through this marathon of mine.....

Masochist

Ten months ago I started this Journey to lose weight.  I really struggled - REALLY!
I joined a gym and had anxiety attacks nearly every time I went in the door.  At first I could only go a maximum 3 times a week.  Slowly I was able to up it to 4 then 5 times a week.

I tried the classes - Yoga and Aerobics - but I came to hate them both.  I don't DO groups well not at all.  And it didn't help that my personal life was falling apart and I really had no support to help me struggle through it.

So I stopped all the groups.  I would go into the gym - almost slinking in... make my way to a treadmill - get on - set the time and speed and walk.   And walk,  And walk.  Most of the time I didn't see anyone around me - didn't see anyone come or go. I just walked.  I shut everything out around me.  When my hour was up I would slink out -  barely acknowledging the folks at the front door.

Eventually the weight started to drop - and it gave me incentive to go to the gym.  I still didn't like it - and felt so much like a fish out of water - but I went 5 days a week and I walked 50,000+ steps in those 5 days each week.  

Now I am down 50 pounds and I hardly recognise my body - well ok I don't recognise it and don't much like what I do see.  Daddy Dom convinced me to start using the weight machines to tighten up/tone the muscles.

BUT machines are almost worse than the classes I took.  The treadmills and bikes and elliptical machines are lined up in rows in front of the machines - so they become an audience watching.  

I tried last week to use some of the machines - and it was awful,  Mid week I booked an appointment with a trainer.  He had 6 clients at once.  He wrote out a routine for each of us and gave us a "cooks tour" of the machines.  And that was it.

Tuesday I went to the gym with my fresh new routine tightly gripped in my hand.  I couldn't slink into the gym anymore and hide on a treadmill in the back.  Now I was front and center. 

AND I couldn't read his writing - and he didn't put machine names down that matched the names on the machines!  I was lost.  I asked and got some direction....... but I felt like I was in a fog.  I went from machine to machine trying very hard not to look left or right .. just get it done and get out.

And then I came to "reverse pull down"  I stood looking at the machine and couldn't figure out how it worked - and for some stupid reason didn't even look at the pretty pictures pasted on it.  I just sat down and started working.  Suddenly I realized I was facing the man on the machine in front of me........... and I shouldn't have been.  He smiled at me and when he finished his rep he stopped and waited.  When I finished my rep he said to me " You do know you are sitting backwards on that machine eh?" I know I blushed to the roots of my hair.  NO I didn't know.. and there is no "cool" way to get up and turn around and start over. 

Yesterday I went to the gym to the bloody machines again.  Yesterday was lower body day.  I really struggled through it.  I HATED it with every fiber of my body.  But I did it.

IF I could get through 10 months of treadmill and 50 pounds - I can and WiLL get through this too..... but I really HATE it!

A few weeks back The Sadist said to me - "A true masochist. Self inflicting pain, torture and mental anguish....all quite publicly at the gym. Keep smiling,"  His words came back to me yesterday as I faced the monsters that are the machines and the all the faces on the treadmills and I muttered a couple of 4 letter expletives I am nothing if not a true masochist!



 

Metamorphsis

All my life I have heard these words "when you ..(fill in the blank).......... you will be pretty"   I was always told I wasn't very feminine.  

I grew up with (to put it mildly) a poor self image.

I have always hidden my body under layers of too big tops and too big pants.  I hated dresses....... and dear god underwear?? purely functional.

Over the last year (as we all know) I have been going through a whole whack of changes in my life.  Massive HUGE changes.  In your face changes.

One that I have mentioned on here - but not that often - is my determination to lose weight .. my 10,000 steps a day program.  Today I officially reached 50 pounds lost!  and Daddy Dom suggested I post it - it was a goal I should be proud of.

The major changes have been in your face changes ......... I didn't notice the smaller ones (well small ones in my mind)  And I honestly don't know what brain fart happened that woke me up to the small changes and sit back and take an honest look..........

The biggest small change is my sexuality.  

After years of almost boredom in the bedroom - OR worse than that - feeling useless in the bedroom....... a new me has surfaced.  And quite truthfully I hardly noticed.  But over the last few days / weeks?? I am not even sure when I started to notice - I am feeling very sexual - very sensuous.  

Suddenly it seems things I couldn't face doing - or felt too awkward to do - or was scared to do are now turn ons..... BIG turn ons. 

Suddenly I felt like a woman - a desirable woman...... what a strange feeling!  I felt like I was seeing a stranger looking back at me...........  

A while back I pulled out a pair of thongs.  Now I have always HATED thongs with a passion!  But when I put them on - this time - they felt sexy....... and I liked how they made me feel.  go figure!

I took a big breath on the weekend and took the Christmas gift card my eldest gave me for a lingerie shop, down off the bulletin board and put it in my purse and went shopping.

I'll admit it - I thought I would die when I went in....... I had no idea what I wanted I just knew I wanted to feel sexy ....... ME FEEL SEXY??!!!  when the hell did that happen??? 

I spent over an hour in the shop.. trying one of these - and one of these - and two of those.  

and I kept doing a mental head shake - what was THIS?!

Then because quite truthfully my last pair of jeans (my favourite black ones) threaten to fall down every time I give anyone a hug I went off to buy some new jeans.  I couldn't find any black ones - but I did find a nice pair of beige jeans........ and I was looking at blue jeans ..... when I stopped.  I don't want jeans ........ I want dresses - sexy show some leg dresses!  what was THIS??!!  so instead of more jeans I bought a nice black belt to hold up my old black jeans........ 

Summer dresses aren't out on the racks yet so I am gonna wait.   
 
And I realized - finally - I am changing in every way imaginable.  It is truthfully as though i am breaking out of some weird  cocoon I have been wrapped in most of my life....... I have NO idea what the final result will be - but I am ready for it.............. god am I ready!

 

who knew?

Who knew that my trust could be found and restored?? 

Not me that's for sure.

But it was

Simply and easily 

With soft words and gentle kisses 

And arms wrapped tightly around me.

Who knew my trust would be restored?? 

Angel's Challenge

On Saturday "my" Angel decided to post on FL a writing challenge she was gonna undertake.  I read it .............. 

Day 1. 10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now.
Day 2. 9 Things about you
Day 3. 8 ways to win your heart
Day 4. 7 things that cross your mind a lot
Day 5. 6 things you wish you had never done.
Day 6. 5 people who mean a lot to you (in no order what-so-ever)
Day 7. 4 turn offs
Day 8. 3 turn ons
Day 9. 2 images that describe your life right now and why
Day 10. 1 Confession

and thought why not?? sounds like fun...........  

Then I started to work on it - and I realized IF I was gonna do it honestly - it was a whole lot tougher than I thought it was gonna be.

It didn't take me long to get down to #3 - "8 ways to win your heart" - and I stopped.  Heart?? I don't really want to talk about my heart anymore.  It was really hard to lay out  a road map to my heart...when I have created a maze of epic proportions and thrown up walls so no one can get that close again.   I really struggled and struggled but managed to do it...... 

THEN 6 things you wish you had never done......... seriously??!!! talk about laying out your flaws for the world to pick apart.

Challenge 9 and especially Challenge 10 have me stumped and pulling back inside myself. 

And I can't help but think these challenges are maybe worse than my visits to the therapist's office........ even she hasn't touched on these topics with me yet.  Oh I am pretty sure they're gonna come up - and more - cause as much as I am moving forward for now - there are still huge areas of my soul / heart that need to be laid out and examined - evaluated - and maybe some bandaides put on to help the healing process.

In a funny (strange) way I am thinking this challenge may just be another step to pulling all the puzzle pieces together - and fitting them back into place...into helping me be whole again.