cranky week

Don't ask me why but i have been one VERY cranky sub this week!!

Maybe part of the reason was i didn't sleep well....... and was burning the candle a bit at both ends....... maybe it was because .. other than Tuesday night - no playing went on here ...... and maybe some of it was because my Sir was a little preoccupied with some touchy subjects at His end........ who knows WHY?! But i was.

And then on Wednesday - for whatever reason - the seat of my jeans just disintegrated!! At work!! Thank god i had a long jacket on. i was retelling the story to Sir .. and saying something to the effect .. "and of course my bare ass was hanging out" (cause i am not allowed to wear underpants ) and Sir says " BUT you had your extra pair of panties in your purse ............ RIGHT???!!" And we both knew i didn't.... and of course that is a punishable offense. Soooooooooo all day Thursday i had to wear my underpants to work........ but they had to be on backwards!!!

Now trust me folks when i say there is nothing more uncomfortable.. more itchy.. more irritating than having your underpants on backwards!!! And combine that with the fact that my clit jewelry tends to keep getting caught up in the crotch (when they are backwards) and tugging my clit seven ways to Sunday ........ Thursday was .. to put it mildly.. an awkward day to get through. i sent Sir an email from work mid day saying simply "wiggle wiggle" .. i knew He would understand the hidden message..... and i thought might get a smile out of it........ Last night He brought up the fact of the email and i whined very nicely about how miserable the backwards panties made me feel..... and He said "good then you can do it again on Friday"......... i said "HUH??!! i didn't do anything wrong??? " And Sir's response was " I can order it and it shall be .. right?" and of course He is right.. and of course i will suffer through another day of my underpants on backwards........

And trust me.... there will always be at least one pair of underpants in my purse from now on......... maybe 2 .. just to be on the safe side !!!!

A theory

i have this theory....... probably a little weird.. but it is MY theory.......... and that is that my sex drive is a bit like a pump..... if you prime it and keep it well used it drips and leaks and works just fine...... if you ignore it.. it needs a whole mess of priming to work properly.

Before Sir .. before rules about masturbation etc..... i would use one of my toys (they don't call it a toy box for nothing !!!) regularily .. at least once a day.......... then along came rules and i learned it was humiliating to ask for permission to masturbate...... and so i stopped. From time to time sexual play has taken a back seat to other forms of play....... or a back seat to "life". And now i find that i don't crave sex the same as i did.........

Some days it worries me......... i worry that having reached "an age" when some women dry up and (in my humble opinion) wither away that i will follow in their footsteps...... More than once i have told Sir i worry i will literally and figuratively dry up. He has always been reassuring that that won't happen.... but still the thought haunts me.

Last night in our chat online i was feeling bored and restless.. and Sir was preoccupied a bit ....... as i said to Sir in my private journal..... "i was surfing and sulking"........ when He read my mind.. and told me to go and get my favourite toy and masturbate. There was a restriction though... i was not allowed to cum. Well for nearly 50 minutes i masturbated .. stopping and starting as the urge to cum grew too strong......... i was so sure that just before i was sent for my bath and bed that Sir would tell me i had permission to cum.........
SURPRISE !! SURPRISE !! SURPRISE !! The order came......... bath and bed....... followed by "DO NOT CUM" and so i went to bed with a throbbing clit and a dripping pussy...... and i do believe that was a first! There was something special about slipping into bed feeling aroused and not being able to satisfy that need.

Sir is priming my pump..........showing me that there is still a long way to go before i dry up and wither away........

and for those inquiring minds.......... this is my FAVOURITE toy.......... absolute favourite !!!!

Pin Head

Sir decided i needed some needling on the weekend.. and all i can say .. even now 2 days later... is "WOW".

After .. i don't know.. maybe one or two needles i was so relaxed and comfy and full of warm fuzzies. i didn't even realize when Sir stopped putting the needles in.. i didn't even realize He was writing on my ass.. and i most definitely didn't even know when He took pictures. If i had been more aware i would have whined and pouted that He put only a few needles in........but it just didn't seem to matter. Sir hit the "relax" button in my ass .. and i was relaxed !!!! Later in the afternoon when i got out of my shower and was toweling myself off i caught a glimpse of a "mark" on my ass.. i turned towards the mirror to see if i could get a better look........ and yes there was writing on my ass!!!!

Just call me "pin head"...........

AND.......... i have added a needling picture to the photojournal blog....... it isn't me........ but maybe one day i will have that many needles !!! WOW imagine how relaxed i will be then!!!

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Now onto something a little bit different.........
i have this "thing" about bloggers i read daily......... and i have this "thing" when bloggers just up and disappear.......... that is the case with Gabriel and kaylem of "Once Bitten"............one minute their blog was there.. and the next .. poof .. gone! yes yes i know they just had a new baby.... and life can get hectic and busy..... but i was wondering if anyone knew where they went? if they are ok??
and a little plea to others i read............. please! before you decide to take your blog down .. for whatever personal reason........ could you just post a little "goodbye"???? sighhhhhhh so many of my favourite blogs have just up and disappeared.. Lisa of Lessons Learned.. minion....... magadala... and now Once Bitten....... just a little goodbye please???????

Angry monsters

and by angry monsters i do NOT mean the ones that hide under the bed or in the cupboard after lights out.......

i spent a good part of my life with angry monsters around me... lots of loud voices.. lots of tempers.. lots of arguments. i found it all very tiring and scary and it usually made me quite sick to my stomach.

When - a few years back - i moved here to the lil condo in the city - i promised myself there would be no angry monsters allowed in my house. No raised voices - no arguments - i would cultivate a quiet peaceful retreat for myself and anyone who ventured here.

Yesterday Sir and i had plans to meet up with some friends (ex BDSM - now vanilla couple) and share some dinner and an evening of light conversation, laughter and some board games. It all started off fine.. at least i think it did.... but somewhere between Boardwalk and Park Place things started to go array.

Now we all have our "monsters" inside.. most of us have managed to "tame" these monsters or at the very least cage them. Last evening some fun words went a bit too far......... feelings were hurt ......... it seemed as though a hurrican blew threw that tiny house...... toppling everything in its path........ destroying the peace and tranquility and something so much more.......Maybe it was all an illusion - the picture i had .......... maybe the hurricane of anger just blew that illusion away...whatever it was......... Sir and i left........ it was hard to do.. and even harder not to do........... We retreated to the sanctity and peace of my lil condo in the city.

scary stuff those monsters who don't hide under the bed or in the cupboard.........

Quite a week!!!

It has been quite a week for me....... thinking thinking thinking.. i was searching my heart and my soul for answers to what kind of submissive i wanted to be.. but it was so much more than that........ and i had made lots of mistakes along the road to enlightenment..... the worse one i made was comparing myself .. my situation .. to other submissives both in real time and on the net...... i kept finding myself coming up short (in my opinion!!) ugh.. what a mess i landed myself in......

i worked through a lot of my feelings of inadequacy... and landed up with what i thought was a good essay.. a good place to start to work through these feelings of inadequacy...............

and then............ well.......... as a tag line from a blog i read says ...........
"just when i think i have it all figured out.... i live another day and life gets complicated"

i am not so sure .. now that i think about it.. if life got complicated or a whole lot clearer............doesn't really matter.... actually.. life morphed and changed again.. and i am still here.. still kneeling at Sir's feet..

One thing i put down in my essay to Sir was a "bitch" of a sort that He has backed off on the things i dislike.... a large amount of time i feel as though THIS is all about me.. and ugh.. i hate that!!! i told Him i wanted more pain that is for His pleasure not mine.. i told Him i wanted more humiliation - which is most definitely for His pleasure.... and He heard me.. loud and clear........

Yesterday we were visiting with our friend Cloud....... and the discussion came round to sex.. and orgasm denial .. and squirting subs.. and all manner of intimate details........ and Sir and Cloud were comparing squirting subs.. and i added (laughing in the remembering) how the last time i squirted.. i squirted so much i formed puddles in my slippers .. Sir turned to me and said "show Cloud".. i was dumbfounded (and thought about the first rule of being a good subbie - subbies should be seen and not heard!!! and wished i had bitten my tongue) .. i quietly pointed out to Sir that i never ever am able to make myself squirt !!!! So Sir had me stand by His side.. bend over His lap and yanked my pants down and after a couple of good smacks to the bum.. He proceeded to work on getting me to squirt............. i nearly DIED!!!! If there had been a hole to climb into i would have....... and of course because i was so mortified there was no way in hell Sir was gonna get me to cum never mind squirt.. i was as dry as the desert and as tight as a virgin. (mind you almost 3 weeks of no sexual play can do that to me)... Sir dropped the issue..... (thank goodness!!)

Later in the evening.. Sir told me to hug the chair! as He felt like some target practice.

Out came the snake whip .. and my bare ass.. and target practice commenced. And that is just what it was...... target practice.... i wasn't allowed to bitch or complain.. i wasn't allowed to fly.. i was just a target for Sir to practice on.. to get His swing arm back up and running again....

And ya know what???!!! it felt GREAT.... as the whip was cracking and landing and cutting and hurting.. my mind opened up to all the possibilities .. to all the really good stuff that goes on here .. in our relationship......... i have always known who and what i am!! i just lost sight of it for a little while .. in the glare.