Deserve

Over the last few months - folks have commented on my change of personality. 
let me describe this change :

BEFORE - 
I was afraid to speak - because I had been told I was expected to be silent
i didn't laugh - because I had little to laugh over
I seemed unfriendly - because you make friends with laughter and conversation
I was shy - because I was scared
I was scared - because I learned to be scared
I felt unlovable - because I was treated as though I was unlovable
I had no confidence - because I didn't believe in myself
I didn't believe in myself - because I had been taught I couldn't 

NOW - 
I talk because no one tells me I can't
I laugh because I am happy and have a lot to laugh over
I am friendly - because I LOVE to meet new people and laugh and talk
I am still a little shy - but coming out of my shell 
I feel lovable - because I am learning to love myself
I am gaining confidence - because I am learning to believe in myself
I am believing in myself - because friends are believing in me 

Some think the pendulum has swung way out the other side - some are waiting for it to swing back to the middle...........but I believe it is right where it should be for me!

Yesterday I sent off a message to a Dom I stumbled across on Fetlife.  I don't normally do that sort of thing... but his profile had said "send a smile" so the cheeky me sent him a smile and a conversation ensued.  Something he said made a lot of sense to me - 
 "boldness shows desire, self-respect (capacity and willingness to demonstrate desire because she/he deserves that) and a craving that overcomes fear."

I certainly have the "craving" and I am learning that I do DESERVE things....... very empowering word that ..... DESERVE.

I am learning I deserve...........

The Changes continue - in with the new

Well this was the BIG weekend for me - and for Angel.

Two weeks ago my original clit piercing broke (for those that don't know the back story) and Angel and I went to  Blackstar Piercing    to see if it could be fixed.......... and 24 hours later it was broken again - decision made!

While we were there Angel was looking through the catalogue and announced she wanted to have her nipples pierced.

So I got things organised and Angel and I and another friend went off on Saturday for "Angel's day".

What fun we had!  Angel selected her jewelry - and I convinced Blackstar that the ring he had for me was NOT too big !!!

Angel went first - and I have to admit my knees went weak!!  Honest to god she is much braver than I am - I would NEVER pierce my nipples!!  It was amazing to watch - and of course I had brought my camera and took pictures. 

(remember click on the picture if you want to see the 'big picture')

                              There's the 'virgin' nipple all ready ..... 

 Getting everything prepared ............ 

It's hard to make out but the needle/jewelry is going through....... 

no more a virgin nipple 

AND I got to display them for the final shot!!!
"Full Metal Angel" (direct quote from Angel)

Now mine was not nearly as interesting - no needles involved - just tweezers and a quick push - to force the larger scale jewelry through the small hole...........

goodbye to the old 

push and pull 

in with the new

and yeah baby - BIGGER is better :)

That was the final tie to me the submissive - now it is time to start "exploring" what the new me looks like - feels like and the heights she can climb to............ 


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And just a side note here 

Our other friend is a nurse - and she was very intent on checking out the cleanliness and at the end she told Blackstar how impressed she was - even small details that a lay person wouldn't notice like cross contamination didn't happen.........

Anyone in the Kingston area looking for an excellent piercer I highly recommend Blackstar  

Sunday Sentiments

forgive me for this Sunday Sentiment - BUT - this is for a hockey player I know :)

Last game of the season deserved a "Sunday Sentiment" - watch out for the boards (cheeky grin)

Feeling Peevish

Actually I don't have a lot of pet peeves (though maybe if I thought about it for awhile I would find I have more than I thought!)

BUT one thing that really REALLY irks me is - when someone asks for help - needs a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen and they take advantage.

I had something like that happen yesterday.

I had just gotten home from the gym... was thinking about my 'date' in the afternoon ... and got this message from a "newbie" saying 'are you around'.  Now truthfully I still haven't made up my mind about this woman.... BUT I honestly and truly believe in 'paying it forward' so when she has questions about BDSM I try to answer them honestly.  When she is struggling with something again I try to make myself available to help her work it through.

BUT 

sometimes I feel she takes advantage.

Like yesterday morning

She gets going about 'being on the edge and needs me to talk to her off' .... (and yeah I am stupid like that I drop everything to be there for her - for anyone that tells me that) 

I write to her and tell her I am available - and we get talking - but before she gets to what happened - POOF - she just stops writing........... and me being the fool I am ... I sit and wait and wait for her to respond.

Finally she comes back - on and off - and I get so damn frustrated - I have things to do - but don't want to ignore her - this time it was a pretty serious problem

You know "mentoring" newbies is frustrating at the best of times - but sometimes !!!  it makes me want to rethink my promise to "pay it forward" 

Sometimes newbies need to learn the hard way............. 


ok small rant done - putting away my soapbox

Fantasizing/wanting

For the last little while - there has been a little niggly thought going round and round in my head.  I would love to have a part time woman lover in my life.

I have been pushing it to the back of my head - and stuffing it down......... 

but every so often it sneaks out ....... and makes me "hungry" 

I am very "hungry" now............. 

I was talking with the Sadist about it - and he's very good at asking pointed questions - knowing me as well as he does - one of the questions he asked was "would I be assertive enough (my words) to initiate it" and no I wouldn't.

But he planted a seed in my overly active imagination.... 

Best case scenario would be having a Dom (or 2) take control and lead the way by ordering (and I use that word very loosely) us to do a, b or c ........ then you see in my silly brain it would be alright to "do it" ...... and once the ice was broken (so to speak) I wouldn't need much more encouraging........unless of course these imaginary Doms decided it would be fun to participate by way of floggers and crops and canes oh my!!

OR even better scenario would be to find a dominate woman to play with  -- then she could take the lead........ 

oh the joys of being a submissive and not being able / capable of taking the initiative .. 


and no - this is NOT an April Fools joke ........