Just thoughts

Did you ever have times in your life when no matter how hard you tried ... you just landed up feeling as though you failed??

i can't help but wonder some days how/why i thought i could handle a submissive.. i absolutely refuse to use the "D" word... Sir is the Dominant .. i am just His #1 subbie.

It seemed simple enough..... hell i have been on the receiving end of a flogger for more years than i wish to count (yeah kaya i am THAT old!!) i thought that made me some sort of expert at domming...... beeeeeep !!! wrong again old girl.

And i am a planner.. i like things organised.. i like to know where i am going and how i am gonna get there.. but one problem with being on the receiving end and thinking it was a short hop skip and a jump to the other end of the flogger is that not everyone feels the same as i do.. reacts the same as i do.. or serves the same way as i do........ big fat learning curve there....... boy did i miss it !!! so screw the plans and pass me the thorns (play on words folks!)

And so dear readers.. though i have been vague and rambling...... (it all makes perfect sense to me!!) this blog is going back to it's original theme.. my journey as a submissive.. both the bdsm side of me and the vanilla side of me.. the good the bad and the ugly.......... that is where i know what i am doing.... cause i follow the directions.. not give them......

My Sir

There are times on this journey called "life" that i stop and wonder at the safeness i feel under Sir's control. There is something so safe about giving up control..... of feeling safe - no matter the storm that breaks over our heads - under Sir's watchful eye and strong hand.

This past week has been one of those times of wonder. A week ago, i wrote a blog entitled Mother Nature’s Tricks....... it was meant to be a humorous and as much as i tried i couldn't hide from the feelings of doubt that nibbled at my consciousness...So with Sir firmly holding my hand (figuratively) i called my doctor....... and called her again and again until i finally got past the busy signals. On Wednesday she cleared her calendar for me and i went in to see her. Sir was frustrated that He couldn't be beside me.. but as i explained to Him .. there was no point.. this was just the beginning of the process.. and i was sure i would need Him more later on........ god bless my doctor who has moved heaven and earth and got me scheduled into the hospital for scans and biopsies (all within the next 3 weeks!! a miracle in itself in this country of long waits for medical attention)

Sir cleared His calendar and will be with me..(literally) holding my hand through the processes that will figure out what is going on in this old body... and if 'fixing' is needed He will be there through that too.... More importantly .. He is not treating me as though i am "broken" .. Mr Mat appeared this week on an evening i needed focusing more than usual... and i sat on it with tears streaming down my face.. because Sir knew exactly what i needed.. and He gave it to me.. (i desperately needed to feel normal - healthy - ME)

On Friday night Sir cropped my ass as i played with drakor.. and we all laughed and enjoyed each other's company..... and the pain and the power. And later when Sir came to bed, He rolled me over roughly and fucked me.. despite my whines of "it's broken - it doesn't work - i am tired" He wouldn't listen.. He wouldn't let me fall into the mind set of "invalid".. It was His... broken bruised or bent.. and He was going to have it !!!

Saturday He sat beside me at a family 'thing' and squeezed my hand while i struggled with under currents that raged between my daughters... because i could feel the hurt of one.. and the disregard of the other.. He let me rant and rave when we were safely home... He held me and let me cry.. He hugged me and let me cry..... He promised me that He will be there.. right beside me no matter what....... and if He decides it is enough! He will bring me home...... and i will not have to deal with life and its pain alone .. any more!

Today - Sunday - Sir had to leave me to go and work on the Remembrance day parade and memorial service... (Veteran's day for our American friends) and in the quiet of the condo i marveled at the strength that is in this man i call Sir....... no matter who needs Him.. no matter the day or the problem Sir finds the strength.. the resolve to reach out and help............. i am so lucky to be able to say "i am owned by Him" !!!

Message in a bottle

i was skimming through some of the vanilla blogs i read.. and came across one where the chap was writing about Where’s George which is the American version of Where’s Willy .

These are both sites where folks are encouraged to write their city on a dollar bill (in the case of Canadians it would have to be on a five dollar bill) and then log into the appropriate web site and register the bill. You can then check back days - weeks - later and see if / or where your bill is. i never had any success... i did it for a month or two a few summers back.. but despite putting the web site on each bill AND the city of origin... my bills never turned up again. (i understand though many do have success and get to watch their bills travel around the country)

The chap i was reading this morning said it reminded him of the old "message in a bottle"... and i agreed with him........ it would be fun to see where one's money travels.

Many years ago .. for Remembrance Day (Veteran's day in the States) every child in our school wrote a message of peace and all the messages were attached to helium balloons with pleas to email the school, phone the school, or snail mail the school to let us know where our balloons had traveled to. We even had a big map up in the foyer that was all prepared for the brightly coloured flags we were going to stick to the map to indicate all the places our balloons had travelled. Well needless to say .. that project fell flat.. i believe we only received 2 or 3 responses (which was VERY disappointing to our kiddies) but one i remember came from south of the border and the gentleman who found the balloon wrote a very nice letter to the kids of the school commending them on their effort to seek peace.

The blogs we write are a little bit like the original message in the bottle idea..
We write messages and send them off into the great void that is the net.. hoping that someone may read them and learn a little bit about us..... maybe even send back a little message.

i am so fascinated by the idea of folks reading my humble words and wondering where they are ... and who they are etc.. that i have even put up a map (see map on right side) that logs in the visits to my blog by where in the world they originate from........ sort of my own Where in the World is Carmen Sandiago (ok ok most of you probably aren't old enough to remember that old computer game)

i have no idea what spurs us on to do these things.... is it a sense of adventure or curiosity?? Is it a need to feel connected to the big world around us?? Whatever the reason, it would seem there will always be some form of the original "message in a bottle".

Contracts

Contract by definition is........ a spoken or written agreement intended to be enforceable by law.

That is the reason i have trouble with BDSM contracts....... what law enforcement officer or department is going to enforce a BDSM contract??? consensual or not??!!

When we were negotiating with drakor over hard limits.. i realized he was going to want more than a hand shake on the deal.... he was going to want some sort of contract. i googled BDSM contract and got pages and pages upon pages of information for BDSM contracts. And i gagged over most of them. Silly pompous things .. if you ask me.. and no i know you didn't ask me.. and some of you who read here probably have one of those contracts.. and are ...right about now...hissing at me....

But come on folks.. let's be sensible here.. if you have a document signed by your Dominant and by yourself.. and the Dominant is a right royal SOB.. do you honestly think that contract is binding?? If you want out of the contract and the Dominant says "no way" do you honestly expect me to believe you couldn't just walk out???

So now you know where i stand on BDSM contracts......... BUT .. drakor wanted one.. drakor thought it was important. So i wrote up the contract along with the provisos that he wanted added ....... and added what our expectations were.. and as i wrote them i felt silly .. because most of the rules of the house are already known by drakor and approved by him... because .. good lord .. he was here and involved in the discussion that created the "House Rules".... but i wrote them out all neat and proper.

The one line that i think sums up this contract for Sir and i reads:
" drakor will make it his goal in all things, to make Sir's and littleone's life easier"

The contract is set for a six month period.. from October 28, 2007 till April 28, 2008. Then we get to do it all again?? i think...... or end this side of our relationship. Truthfully .. right now.. i hope it continues.. for an unending length of time.. because i am having fun.. i am enjoying drakor and all that he does to please Sir and i.

When something feels good then it is good..... no words on paper can make it good.. can make it right.. it is or it isn't. And that is my 2 cents on the subject of contracts !

Contracts and Negotiations..

i have never been very good at negotiating anything... Case in point.. i needed a new car.. i wanted a red car.. i saw a red car.. a shining sporty red car at the local car dealership. i checked the price.. it was in the ball park so i went to buy this red sporty car. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) i brought a long a friend... who couldn't believe i was just going to sign the contract without negotiating the price.

So that is where i stand on negotiating......... i don't.


And there in lies the problem we had with negotiations with drakor, neither Sir nor i completely fully understood ??? appreciated ???BDSM negotiations. When Sir and i talked.. he sent me a 12 page list of activities and i had to check off the things i wanted to do... the things i wanted to try and the things i wouldn't do not ever. Then i had to trust Sir would take care of me.. and not damage me in any serious way. He was the "boss". Over the years even the trilogy of "health, family, work" has fallen to Sir's control.

That was not the way drakor worked.. nor the way he saw BDSM negotiations. The checklist i gave him was not nearly enough ( and it was only 4 pages not 12 because the check list i sent him was a list of things that Sir and i were willing to do.......definitely an indicator of what Sir and i expected/wanted from this relationship) . We kept running into problems that drakor was quick to point out.. and hard limit was used in almost every email. Sir became downright exasperated ... i flip flopped between being confused and angry.

So i re-wound .. backed up.. and started again. This time i had drakor write out his list of hard limits.. his "no fly zone"...... because Sir and i had to know where we could go........ without feeling like we were walking on eggs all the time..

After nearly a week drakor came back with a list of 43 hard limits... 43!! To be perfectly honest Sir was ready to end it before it had even got started. i had the definite feeling that the submissive was in charge...... do negotiations do that?? put the submissive in charge??

One Friday during our coffee klutch time we discussed the hard limits.. by then drakor had put in provisos and the 43 had become 34. Still a mouthful no matter how we counted them. A lot of the hard limits were things Sir and i would never do .. because of our respect for drakor's very separate vanilla life, or because of his health issues ..or because we just don't DO that. But i realized that drakor needed that put in writing.... trust isn't always in all ways a matter of blind faith.

drakor also wanted to know what we wanted.. what would please us. Sir's answer was short and sweet... I am the Dominant everything you do you do to please me! pointe finale. Sir saw no need at all to write out what He wanted... it was simple.. He wanted obedience.

And so the 34 hard limits were printed up......

And i won't say that there aren't times Sir and i don't scratch our heads prior to a session and quickly review those hard limits... 34 is an awful lot to remember.. no mind fucks.. no influence over the "Cloud" blog (which by the way if anyone is interested i no longer read.. it is drakor's Dominant side and i have no wish to muddy the waters by worrying what his dom side is thinking or feeling) oh yeah....... and i can't use duct tape on his head, penis!! pooh !!!

i came to the realization while working on this negotiation process... that if a submissive was dealing with a Dominant he/she didn't know.......if the Dominant didn't have "staying" power to discuss and work through the hard limits..that would be the first sign........ a red flag for sure......

Tomorrow the contract .. the whys and wherefores ........