25 days and counting...

Today is the official start of the Holidailies postings. i have tidied up.. and hung a few decorations here on The Journey. There will be new folks stopping by to visit..... so everyone please behave... no scaring the newbies.. Trust me i will do that well enough all by myself !! (cheeky grin)

Sir has told me that He is working on a new list of rules/protocols... to say He has my curiousity aroused is an understatement. Also Sir told me that He is worried that i won't like these new rules. And He is worried these rules may break my spirit. i know a good Dom should think about these things.......and worry about the mental and physical well being of their submissive/slave. BUT.. (and god forgive me i may land up regretting these words) after 5 years i would hope Sir knows me well enough to know what will push my buttons and what won't..... Sir already has in place a safety net for when things go terribly wrong (my private journal - my time for free speech) so can't we try these new rules/protocols?? Right now i am feeling very vanilla, and very unfocused, and very confused !!

He is worried He will break my spirit......... what would break my spirit?? i know that inconsistency is one thing that will break my spirit faster than anything else. This may sound dumb to some of you (specifically the vanilla world) but without the rules .. without the consequences/punishments, i am lost and unfocused and feel unloved.

Feeling unused may break my spirit... i am submissive.. i need to serve.. i need to feel useful and appreciated (hey that is pretty vanilla isn't it?? feeling appreciated i mean) i need to feel the sting of the whip or the bite of the ropes or the prick of the needles. i need my limits pushed.... i need it all to grow and feel complete........

i want to get out of this rut that i feel i am in! If it takes new rules/protocols then so be it... i need it.. just as a starving person needs food... My spirit is strong, i am hoping Sir will test it.. push it.. and glory in all that will be..........

(there is a new entry to my fictional blog - link on the right)

always fairies

Almost everyone knows by now that i love fairies! not angels !! (that took a while to teach Sir - the difference between a fairy and an angel) i am different that way..... there is a child-like magic to fairies.. they hide in the flowers, in the dust bunnies under the bed, in the high up corners in the stairwell. They dance on the rainbows and giggle softly in your ear as you sleep. They dance amongst the boughs of the Christmas tree. And they always leave fairy dust behind. (as a little aside here.. i think i first fell in love with fairies the year i watched my dad climb under the christmas tree with my eldest - who was all of 4 or 5 at the time - and listen while he told her about the fairies living in our christmas tree)

Sir presented me with this fairy tonight. My first snowball in forever. i tilt it and watch the fairy dust swirl around her....... and i dream of things to come.........

Sir is talking about making a whole new list of rules and maybe just maybe enforcing them... (though He keeps talking about not wanting to 'break me' - honestly though i believe no enforced rules .. no consistency... is gonna break me faster than someone too strict.. do you know what i mean?? )
i dream of christmas break - two whole weeks - where my life will be mine to offer to Sir.. no outside responsibilities tugging on me.. when i don't have any schedule to follow except His........
i dream of a time when i can kneel at my Sir's feet 24/7 and be content with the kneeling... i dream of fairies and fairy dust and dancing on the rainbows.......

It is always a good thing to have dreams...... and a fairy snowball to wish upon...

thoughts...

Well it has happened again...... my subbie brain is bouncing around from here to there to eternity........... it has to come out or i will explode... (the reference point for most of this blog is from Sir’s blog )

Somedays i feel i can't win for trying...... i have a number of faults....... and i know them!! One of them being that i am anal ...... absolutely anal!! ....... about things having a place and being in their place. Mostly because if i don't operate that way i lose things.. and then i get angry/frustrated cause i can't find things. It is also a trigger for me.. losing things.. not being able to remember where they are........ how many times as a kid did i get heck for losing stuff?? i found the only way to protect myself was to be anal about where things went..... Now we all know it is the sub's job to take care of the Master's toys. i had worked out a rather neat plan for all Sir's toys... they hung on the wall in the play room. Neat tidy and i always knew where everything was. BUT.. best laid plans and all that... the toys move.. they go to play parties.. they go upstairs .. they move.... (sometimes i swear they move on their own!!) And over the last few weeks Sir has been giving me the dickens cause i don't know where things are.... and that old familiar knot in my stomach has reappeared.. Then i realized that sometimes while i am off dancing with the fairies i will put things away and have no memory where..... sometimes Sir will put things away.. and He puts them where He thinks they go best... which is FINE folks!!! absolutely fine... but i need to know where that is! when i am not dancing with my fairies..

Anyway.. all of this is to say i have been feeling stupid and forgetful and inadequate when it came to keeping track of the toys (look at what i went through over the lost cracker on Saturday night) But i was having trouble trying to explain to Sir what was going on...... and i know i made a cheeky (at least i meant it as cheeky)crack about His moving something i was looking for and not telling me.. Well on the weekend Sir moved a beautiful wooden box that sits in the living room and holds some of our BDSM toys..... i was aware that He moved it.. i heard Him move it.. i understood why He moved it......... of course when i needed the damn box.. what did i do?? i went instinctively to the place it usually is......... and then pointed out to Sir how He had moved it.. and i had thought it was lost........... (does anyone understand what i am trying to say here???? i am so damn lost)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok i need a lesson in organising that does not involve mapping everything out.... i need a lesson in how to handle failure and not fall apart (in case you hadn't noticed i am something of a perfectionist and very hard on myself from time to time) i need a lesson on how to stop myself from rolling my eyes and how to keep a poker face......... and yeah maybe i need a lesson on just accepting..........
hells bells maybe... (searching for words to describe this light bulb moment) .... maybe this is all about giving over control........ maybe as much as i like to think i have given over control..... maybe i really haven't??? maybe having everything in it's place and mapped out is really a big control issue........... i am off to scratch my head about that one.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh my god i am in SUCH trouble......... i am never going to be able to visit Texas.... i have more than 4 dildos/vibrators........ if you want to know what i am rambling about you have to check out The Michael’s blog and watch the video he has put up..

i will now pick my jaw up off the floor and move on.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Changing the subject completely...... to something a whole lot more fun.. and a whole lot more cheerful........... i am going to be changing the look of The Journey this week...... Christmas is coming and i have signed up for the Holidailies........... same as last year..... and December 1st is fast approaching.... time to get this blog whipped into some holiday spirit...........

Munches and hugs..

Sunday was our monthly munch (get together for dinner with other like minded people in the scene here in the Great White North). i used to adore going to munches .. back when.. loads of people came out (30 or more) and interesting topics got discussed.. or a sub or two got chastised.. back when..............

Now we are lucky to manage 15 people out....... and yeah yeah i get it Sir !! it doesn't take all that much organising on my part any more... BUT......... it does seem an awful lot of effort for a handful of die hard supporters .. friends actually.. and sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to have them here for dinner..... ok ok it defeats the whole purpose of a public munch .. i know i know!! AND i also know that there are a whole mess of people out there who don't have any sort of active community to 'munch' with so quit my bitching...........

Anywayyyyyyyyyyy.. This month it was even more difficult for me to get showered and changed and get my ass out the door cause it was our Canadian version of the American Super Bowl......... and my all time favourite team "Alouettes" were playing...... but being the good sub i am (stop choking!!!) i did shower and change and get my cute lil ass ready ........

When i went downstairs to join Sir.. there He stood .. tack bra in hand... with that evil wicked grin.. only Doms can get .. on His face. i struggled into the tack bra.. feeling every pin point prick like a needle being inserted. i held my breathe while Sir tugged and tightened and shifted and arranged everything just so. Then off we went.

At the munch......... Sir took great delight in having me greet everyone with a big hug... Everyone of course was more than willing to give me bear hugs... especially once they learned i was wearing the tack bra. The really good thing about the munch..... they had a large screen TV and i did get to watch (between hugs and gasps) my dearly beloved Alouettes lose to the BC Lions.

Thankfully.......... Sir left Monday morning with no further damage to my bruised, spotted and aching breasts.........

(i have posted to the photojournal - see the link at the right)

ouch

Now i don't want to be known as a whiner.... BUT ......... after Friday's session with the tack bra dontcha think that my breasts deserved some respite???

BUT ohhhhhhh no... after an absolutely fun day with Sir Christmas shopping and putting up Christmas lights and planting reindeer (do ya think i will grow a reindeer tree??) Saturday evening found me in my usual spot lying at Sir's feet watching TV.

At some point Sir moved around so that He was positioned directly above me..... His hand reached down and pulled up my snuggly sweatshirt exposing my breasts............. Then He began to squeeze them .. and slap them.. and grab the nipples pulling them directly upwards as far as (no no .. farther than that !!!) they would go... squeezed them tight.. shook my breasts... and then after a twisting turn released the nipples allowing the breasts to plunk down (plunk down is the best description i can come up with!!)

At one point i tried to grasp His wrists to slow Him down?? discourage Him?? i really have no idea why i thought i could change His plans by grasping His wrists........ to prevent knee jerk grabs at His hands i landed up lying on my hands..... and focusing on the different sensations between pinching, twisting, pulling, and shaking. There really IS a difference if you take time to notice........ honest !! true !!!

i am left wondering if Sir's Christmas spirit is manifesting itself in tit torture........ stay tuned.. when i figure it out i will let you all know!!!