Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Healing from Within

On Friday I posted THIS post about my 'heal yourself' therapy.... and I had a couple of 'more please' comments.

This weekend I realized another step forward in my healing -- it's called 'mind reading'.

Let me give you an example:
One of the first exercises was a story of a woman out shopping -- seeing a friend across the street and waving to her.  BUT the woman didn't respond. The woman who waved had two choices -- one to assume the woman didn't like her or was ignoring her deliberately -- 'it was somehow HER fault' 
BUT the other approach -- was to go over to the woman and say 'hello' again -- maybe she just hadn't seen her.
Often times we assume we know what people think of us........ we 'mind read' 

I kinda went 'pfffft' that doesn't apply to me (I was being my literal self) I don't worry if someone doesn't say 'hello' to me.

BUT when Sir Steve asked me if I was happy this weekend - and we had our emotional loving discussion...... I realized a small part of my brain had NOT blamed myself for the lack of sexy play around here.  In the past I would have stressed that he was rethinking our relationship -- that I was OLD and not young and perky -- not all that sexy -- why would he want me??!!  Instead I realized that I hadn't been stressing as much as I would have done...... I had made up reasons for the lack of sexy play -- but for the most part it had nothing to do with me personally!!  

What a light bulb moment that was for me!!  This is Sir Steve's problem -- I can and WILL be there for him to support and love........ but it isn't MY fault.  You can not imagine how freeing that feeling is!

Life is good when you start healing from within..........

Monday, November 11, 2019

An understanding.......

We were standing outside in the back, in the dark and the cold having a smoke and he said "Are you happy?"

And that was how the discussion started.... a difficult discussion... an emotional loving discussion.

Sir Steve admitted he is depressed..... why ? we don't know.  Does anyone ever really know why they are depressed? 

He has agreed to call his doctor.... to find  someone to talk to..... it's gonna be a long road I know that......... but we took the first steps .. HE took the first steps and that's what's important.

Life is good when there is understanding.........

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Sunday Sentiments

a little sacrilegious humour for this Sunday morning.........

Friday, November 08, 2019

Slow Healing

Back in July I talked about the high levels of anxiety I was dealing with after the withdrawal from the evil drug.  I talked about doing online therapy and some of you followed up with me on the program.  (you can read that entry HERE)  

 I have been actively doing the program for 3 months...... talking to a therapist every 3 weeks or so by phone.  I really hadn't given it much thought - was it working ? not working? helping at all?  But this past couple of weeks - working my way through the latest work books on anxiety - I began to slowly 'see the light'. 

I am my own worst enemy.  I don't / can't ask for help.  I believe I have to earn someone's love - by being perfect - by working tirelessly - by sacrificing.  Of course having such high standards tends to mean I feel as though I am failing frequently -- stress over trying harder/working harder to be perfect.  A vicious circle to say the least.

I have had a couple of 'light bulb' moments -- the first was I can't change my emotions BUT I can change my reaction to the emotion.  The other major 'light bulb' moment came this past week - the exercise was to picture a friend struggling with emotional issues and what would I say to them........... and then I realized if I could be patient and understanding with a friend - why couldn't I treat myself the same way??!!  AND then I realized that my friends would give me the same support !

It may not seem earth shattering to you but for me it was major!

And then I realized that there have been small changes in how I react to situations.. the whole dust up about Remembrance day and Christmas -- in the past I would have bent over backwards to reassure everyone that Remembrance day came first here..... By my challenging the nasty comments I stood up for myself AND my beliefs.  WOW!  AND no bolt of lightening came out of the sky and struck me dead either...... WOW!
There have been other small events that I have handled differently and survived - more than survived - actually grew stronger.

Life is good when you don't give up........... 


Wednesday, November 06, 2019

Get it off my Chest

I tend to refrain from discussions that involve politics, religion, sexual orientation, touchy subjects.  I do this because I really do like peace and quiet, I do NOT like confrontation...... Debates tend to become heated and things tend to be said that shouldn't be said. 

That is not to say I don't have opinions on those topics........ trust me I do!  BUT I don't handle rabid people well.....and so I stay away from voicing said opinions.

Now to the point of this blog entry.

I LOVE Christmas...... and everything to do with it.  I love the soft twinkling lights, the soft fall of snow, the music, the love, the joy.  

All my life - once Halloween is over my mind turns to Christmas....... we have - for years and years - had themed Christmases.... everything from pioneer Christmas, to Gingerbread Christmas, to Woodlands Christmas and everything in between.  I had bins and bins of Christmas decorations.


My life changed -- Christmas was spent with my girls at their houses and so I gave away most of my Christmas stuff.........downsized drastically...... even my Christmas tree went from 7 feet tall to 4 feet tall.  Christmas had lost some of its magic.

Then Sir Steve and the lil one came into my life.  And I started to pull out all the old traditions....... and scrambling to up size Christmas again.  Sir Steve announced at the end of the season last year that we needed a new tree - a much bigger tree.  So a couple of weeks ago we went shopping and found a gorgeous 7 foot tree half price. 

I picked a theme....... Danish Christmas........ 

I waited patiently for Halloween to be over and then................... the creativity started and the planning started.

I am excited again for Christmas -- for the music and the twinkling lights and the magic of the season reflected in the lil one's eyes.

Yesterday I asked the lil one when she got home if she would like to learn how to make Danish Christmas baskets to fill with candy and eventually hang on the tree.  Of course she wanted to!!  So we set about cutting and learning to weave....... with lots of chatter and giggling.

I was amazed at how quickly she picked up weaving -- 3D weaving at that!  And took some pictures .......

I posted those pics on FB so my girls could see what we were doing -- and the lil one's family...... and my friends.

I felt warm and fuzzy.


someone - a friend of Sir Steve - posted on the pictures "I hope you don't have your tree up yet"
I knew exactly what she was inferring........ and my blood boiled.
I responded "why is that?" 
And then we were off having a passive aggressive debate about Remembrance Day and how it is disrespectful to decorate for Christmas before the 11th!

That's what she thought was appropriate to post on a picture of a lil girl mastering tricky weaving skills AND enjoying the beginnings of Christmas ??!!!
As I pointed out to her....... one can still honour our vets while preparing for Christmas....... 

Now this 'friend' is an 18 year old who like all 18 year olds knows EVERYTHING..... except when to shut up.  I let loose on her ...... (it really was a one sided fight -- and I should know better but............) the comments have been deleted ........but the joy of the afternoon crafting has been tarnished.

I HATE rabid people!

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