Unfortunately - it is really hard to describe in words - how out of things I was when I went into hospital. When I say I had no strength - I mean I couldn't even walk or hold my head up - or process anything that was said to me. Sir was amazing bringing me little things to try and stimulate interest (so were my daughters who brought in my dvd player and downloaded seasons of my favourite TV shows to watch) But I could not focus on anything for more than 2 minutes before gliding off into some dream-like state where nothing much made any sense. One night I did try to make notes in my agenda - but when I try to read them today - they are gibberish - nonsense - words strung together that make no sense at all.
Until one dark and particularly scary 3:00 a.m when I lay in bed remembering a book I bought one of my daughters (my eldest I think) "Are you there God? It's Me, Margaret." I have no clue why that book popped into my head - or why I found it so comforting. I don't think I even ever read it with my daughter.
But nevertheless - there it was rattling around in my addled brain at 3:00 a.m. I heard myself railing at God - why me!!?? Why now??!! And then a whole mess of stuff I had learned in Sunday School that just tended to make me angry at 3:00 a.m. All that stuff was lies - just like I always knew they were lies. God was not a benevolent father - God didn't create miracles - God wasn't there for someone like me.
I was on my own in this big black scary place.
And then slowly those 3:00 am scary time periods became a time for me to say "hey you - God - why aren't you listening to me? Was everything I was told a big lie?!! This is the time - yes it is - to prove the faith my family raised me in -
And slowly each time I would be having one of my "ok god - it's me" talks the calmness would eventually creep into my soul and a calmness would come from the dark corners of the room and I would drift back to sleep - blissfully pain free for a little bit - pain free long enough to drop back into a fitful sleep.
Lots of what happened in the dark of the night - and in the dark of my mind - is surreal now. Vague puffs of thought - that float around inside my head. Perhaps nothing more than the rantings of a slightly insane (at the moment) mind trying to sort out what had happened - what was happening.
And so here it is 3:00 am again - no pain tearing my guts apart - no scary darkness of a hospital room, but I do have the vague whispers of memory of those nights - and a burning need to put them down somewhere.